Old for my Age
by AJandhisbeard
Summary: PostRENT. Chapter 19 has a summary. MimiRoger MarkOC MoJo. Mostly Mimi centric but not your average Mimi fic. DEFINITELY not the average MarkOC even if it might seem that way at first .
1. Note

I updated this note because I sounded like an asshole in the first version.

I'm setting this in 1997 because I think RENT was set 1995-6.  
Maureen references events from 1995 in Over the Moon (the yellow rental truck etc).

If I'm wrong then just call this fic AU :P

Warning: LOTS of bad language, some sex and depressing stuff.

I completely own RENT!! Who is Jonathan Larson?? (Jeeeust kidding!)

I need all the criticism I can get. Even if you have nothing constructive to say I like to know that people are actually reading so please review!

I have a regular internet connection again so I promise I will update a lot more often now. Don't give up on me please!

Summary of everything in chapter 19.


	2. Money

**January 1997**

"Internet dating." Roger said scornfully, taking a drag on his cigarette and passing it to Mimi. "Mark…"

It was the January after the Christmas Eve Mimi had come back.

1997 might as well have been 1995, Roger was the same Roger he had been then. He barely left the apartment, he didn't write anymore... But he no longer cared about his own impending death. Just Mimi.

"Everyone does it, it's no big deal!" Mark said blushing.

"She could be a dude or something." Roger laughed.

"Hey!" Mimi said, "Don't disrespect." She pointed up at the ceiling.

"Sorry Angel," Roger said to the ceiling (or Heaven...) where Mimi was pointing, rolling his eyes and grinning as Mimi kissed his cheek.

Mark was sat at his new computer, bought from the deposit he had been given for selling his latest documentary. He had started out using it to edit his newer films, but the lure of the internet proved too strong.

Mimi and Roger were sitting almost on top of each other on the table against the wall. Mimi was still weak, but she was getting stronger by the day, her head resting in Roger's shoulder. Roger barely ever left her side. Money was tighter than ever, and Mark knew Roger was angry that he had spent so much money on a computer, but Mark had thought he would be able to make better films faster. He had not expected the lack of inspiration that had hit so hard after Mimi came back.

He had been talking to this woman online for two weeks. She was so kind, so understanding. Roger was his best friend, sure, but he could never understand. He felt a connection with her, and regardless of what Roger said he was going to try to make a go of it.

"She's not a dude." Mark said. "She isn't. I know her. I trust her."

"She could be old. Or fat. You don't know her; you only know what she wants you to think." Roger said. "Whatever, man, do what you want. I just think it's weird."

"Just…don't tell Maureen, okay?"

Roger laughed.

"We won't," Mimi said trying to look serious, "I promise for both of us. But hey if this works out you're not going to run off together or something are you?"

"If it works out I'll tell her. I don't want to set myself up for a fall. You know she's bound to laugh at me. "

"_We're_ laughing at you."

"I think it's sweet." Mimi said. "You like each other without having seen each other. I mean, it's nice that you don't need to see someone to be attracted to them."

"He's desperate."

"I'm not! I just…" he trailed off.

"Roger, give him a break." Mimi said, shoving him playfully. "So what time is your date, Mark?"

"Seven thirty."

"Nervous?" She smiled.

"No…" he knew he was a terrible liar. "Yeah. It's been a while since I… you know."

"Mark, stop being such a pussy and get out there instead hiding from the world. For fuck's sake, dude."

The faint sound of their beepers could be heard in the bedroom. Roger stood up, and lifted Mimi into his arms, swirling her in a circle as they went into the bedroom to take their AZT.

"Roger, you're evil!" She laughed. "Ignore him, Mark, he's just in a pissy mood."

Roger muttered something Mark couldn't hear, before closing the door. He could hear them laughing on the other side of it. He could hardly believe this was the same Roger who little more than a year ago was too miserable to leave the apartment, now telling him to stop hiding from the world.

The phone rang. Sighing, Mark got up from his seat and went to answer it.

"What up, stud?" Collins said on the other end of the phone.

"Hi." Mark sighed. "You can't take the piss worse than Roger about this, so don't bother trying."

"Come on Mark, it's freezing out."

Mark sighed, crossing to the window and throwing the key outside to Collins, who caught it neatly. Within a minute he had let himself into the apartment.

"Bad news, dude." Collins said. "I couldn't score you any cash. There's not a single ATM in the city that hasn't been protected by that new system."

"What?"

"I tried, man."

"Shit. I can't turn up to this date with no money, she'll think… she'll hate me."

"You've got nothing?"

"Well yeah but…I mean… Mimi's still sick and we need it."

"Sorry." Collins shrugged, lighting up a cigarette. "Wish I could have been more help. If I had more time maybe I could have figured it out."

"Collins!" Mimi said happily, the bedroom door flying open. She pushed Roger's arms from around her waist and ran to him. He hugged her warmly.

"Mimi, take it easy." Roger frowned, watching her frail body fly across the room.

"Hey girl. You look like you're doing better."

"I am." She smiled happily. "Where have you _been_ the last week?"

"Who knows? Maybe that shanty town by the river, or a suite at the plaza." He laughed, ruffling Mimi's hair as Mark cringed a little. "Aw, come on Mark, I'm only kidding, you know what I think of your film."

"Yeah I know."

"Did you get Mark his cash?" Roger asked.

"No, I couldn't. But you didn't think I'd come empty handed, surely?" He emptied his pockets of cigarettes, and pulled a large Stoli bottle out of his bag.

"That brings me back." Mark said softly.

"It's six forty-five, Mark, maybe you should be getting ready." Roger said coldly.

"Where is your date, anyways, Mark?" Mimi asked, returning to Roger's protective grasp.

"Life café."

"Oh, classy." Roger said.

"Lay off him, Roger," Collins said. "I remember you stuck up in this loft for six months. No one gave you a hard time about it, if I remember right."

"Yeah, well that was different."

There was an uncomfortable silence for a while. "I'd better change." Mark said quietly, and went into his room.

Collins poured himself, Mimi and Roger a drink. "Here's to health and happiness." He said. Roger drank his in one.

"Meems, you shouldn't be drinking." He whispered, kissing her hair.

"One won't hurt me." She hesitated. "Rog, maybe you should apologise, or…you know, let Mark know you're not totally against him dating. You've been really harsh to him lately." Mimi said softly, tracing circles on his hand.

Roger looked into her eyes for a second. "You're right." He kissed her softly and let himself into Mark's room.

"Nervous?" He asked Mark, who was staring at the paltry contents of his wardrobe.

Mark said nothing.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I was an asshole."

"Nah, that's okay."

"Good."

"I get it. You think there are better things to spend money on."

"Well…yeah. I mean Mimi can't work, I gotta stay here and look after her. We're depending on you. Sometimes it's like you don't get that."

Mark felt a twinge of anger. "That's not fair. You're not my responsibility."

"No. But we're your friends. When I was earning didn't I help you out? When I was with the band didn't I provide for us? And the second you're the one with the-"

"And when you shut yourself in the loft for six months it was me- all me- I was the only one who stuck around, I was the only person you saw, the only person you spoke to and the only reason you survived."

"So what? You've paid your dues and that's it?"

"No…"

"I just think you were selfish with your money. You got a little glory and it went to your head."

"Don't you start with that."

"Mimi's coming back from the brink of death and you're jeopardizing it all for some woman you never even met."

"Mimi is fine. She doesn't need you all over her all the time."

"Don't get involved."

"Don't you get involved with me! Roger you're so petty…you…"

"I'm through with this."

He stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

"Roger!" Mimi said, trying to soothe him.

"No. I'm going out." He said, without looking at her. "Look after her, just for a while," he added to Collins.

He pulled open the loft door and slammed it behind him. Mimi jumped up immediately to go after him, but Collins pulled her back.

"It's freezing out there, no one wants you to get sick again." He said quietly. "Meems is everything okay with you and him? And Mark?"

"I don't know. Honestly Roger's driving me insane. He feels guilty, or something, and he's so protective now he doesn't let me out of his sight for more than a few seconds. I feel fine, great. I could go back to work and all this shit with him and Mark would be over, but he won't let me." She grabbed the vodka off the table and drank from the bottle.

"What's going on with them?"

"I dunno. I think Roger's just pissed that Mark's focusing on work instead of..."

"Instead of doing all the work and sharing it with him?"

"Maybe." Mimi shrugged. "Money's tight, and it doesn't have to be."

"You want me to talk to him?"

"No. I will."

"Will he listen?"

"He'll have to start listening." She pouted playfully. "It's about time I got some respect."

Collins took the bottle out of her hand and poured them both another drink. "To.."

"To our girl." Mimi said, raising her head to the ceiling again.

Collins grinned. "To our girl."

Mark came out of the bedroom wearing an old shirt and worn looking pair of pants, an expression of fear on his face.

"You look great, Mark, stop worrying." Mimi said, and his face relaxed into a grateful smile.

"Collins…a word?"

"Sure." Collins said, getting up from the table. "What is it?"

Mark shuffled further away from Mimi, who was pouring herself another drink.

"I just…you know…when do you know when to…go for it?"

"I'll take that question." Mimi said, jumping lithely off the table. "You know…when you know. You already like each other's personality. Now you gotta see her. You might not even wanna do anything once you've seen her. And then you-"

"Mimi Marquez, you're drunk!" Collins said, shaking his head in amusement.

"I know. I can't hold the stuff anymore."

"Shit, girl." He pulled her arm and she crumpled towards him. "Man, you must be sick."

The phone rang again.

"It might be Roger!" Mimi yelled, half staggering, half crawling to the phone. Mark picked it up swiftly before she could.

"Hello."

"It's me." Roger said.

"It's Roger."

"Roger? Let me talk to him."

"Where are you, Roger?"

"Outside. Let me in. Mark, do you know what time it is?"

"Shit. Fuck. I'd better go. Shit."

He picked the key up off the table and hurled it down onto the street below, before running across the loft to the bathroom, attempting to fix his hair and put his shoes on at the same time. Mimi watched, crumpled by the table, a slightly bemused expression on her face.

The door slid open and Roger walked in, setting the key down lightly, looking almost ashamed of himself.

"Roger!" Mimi said, staggering to her feet and running to his arms, "Have you relaxed now, huh?"

"Are you drunk?"

"A little bit." She laughed, "Me and Collins…"

"How much did you let her drink?" Roger demanded, squeezing Mimi tighter. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"Roger, calm down." Collins said calmly. "You can't contol..."

Roger blazed with anger, his eyes smouldering. "Collins you're supposed to be responsible. I knew I shouldn't have left her alone. I knew she…"

Mark came out of the bathroom. "Guys…" he muttered

"Roger you're being an asshole." Collins said, his voice rising in anger. "Mimi's not-"

"She's weak. I can't let anything-"

"Guys…" Mark said again. He needed money. Just a little cash but he knew it wouldn't be right to just take from their already dwindling savings without at least telling Roger.

"Rog, I'm fine. I'm good." Mimi said. "I was going to…"

"You know I could never forgive myself if something happened again."

"Roger!" Mark said sharply.

"Mark just fuck. Off."

Mark sighed, went to their jar of cash, plunged his hand in and took the lot. Nobody seemed to notice. "I'm going." He said quietly.

Mimi made the effort to pull out of Roger's arms to say goodbye to him, but Roger wasn't letting go.

"Roger, you need to take it easy. You're taking all this too far…"


	3. Mark's Girls

Mark slipped out of the front door and down the stairs. He could hear Roger's voice getting louder and louder, and Collins trying harder to calm him. Roger was an asshole, and he had been getting worse. When Mimi was missing sure he worried, but there was something different about him. He was almost the same now as after April had died. He didn't leave the apartment, but he focused all his energy on Mimi. He didn't play his guitar anymore, he didn't write songs. Everything revolved around her.

Mimi was a great girl, he wouldn't deny it. There was a part of him that resented her, and he felt guilty about it, but he couldn't stop himself. He had tried for months to help Roger, he'd done everything he could think of and Mimi did it on the first night they met. It didn't seem fair.

He remembered Mimi from when he had seen her dance in the Cat Scratch Club. They discovered the place when they were very young, before Roger had met April and beofre he was with Maureen. They would go...not too often but they would watch the girls and it was fun.

Mimi had been his Mark's favourite. He wasn't a regular enough visitor to have ever really thought too much about her, but he had remembered something about the way her slender body moved and he preferred it to the other girls. He had liked the way the light would shine through her untameable hair, her striking cheekbones- but that was the filmmaker in him; he had seen her as a work of art. None of the other girls could make a real impression. Those girls were there for fantasising about. Mimi had always seemed somehow untouchable.

He loved the way she moved, how smooth her limbs could glide through the air, and her body would follow, the way it stretched. She moved that way in their apartment, even when she wasn't dancing she was a dancer. And sometimes up on those platforms she thrashed, her arms strapped in lacy handcuffs, tied to the pole, tied together, but her movements were always beautiful. She was wild, she was beautiful and she was sexy, but she wasn't sex like those other girls.

The other girls were tits and ass and nothing more, and they knew it. Mimi was a dancer. Her body was thin and she was sick, it was almost obvious. Roger had mentioned something, when Mark had asked his favourite, about a blonde, a large chested girl with a face like a porn star. Her job was seduction. Mimi's job was to dance. Mark cringed all the times he heard Roger call Mimi a whore when they argued. It was so easy to say without thinking about. Roger didn't appreciate her the way Mark did.

Mimi loved Roger. Roger loved Mimi. Roger just didn't understand her her as whole person the way he did. Collins could understand. Angel had understood. Why couldn't Roger? Mimi was fragile, yes, she was more innocent than anyone gave her credit for, she was beautiful and had weird, uneducated kind of intelligence. Roger could _see_ all of that, but it was her body that mesmerised him. He was almost controlled by it, his jealousy, his possessiveness and his fear was all centred around her body. Mark knew that something needed to change if anything about their situation could improve.

The Life Café. He had forgotten where he was supposed to be going, until he almost walked into the sign. She had said to meet him inside, but he had no idea what to look for. He was nervous, his stomach churning. He stepped inside and looked around. It was pretty quiet. The waiter sighed when he saw him, but didn't say anything.

"Mark?" Someone tapped his shoulder. He turned around.

"Hi." Mark said. His jaw dropped.

"I knew it was you. I knew as soon as you walked in." She smiled

She was stunning. Her hair was thick and blonde and fell in a thick sheet around her shoulders. She could have been a model, with beautiful blue eyes, and plump lips. She was tall, she had a fantastic body, dressed in a short red dress, but not even slutty. Perfect nails. He almost couldn't speak.

"Mark?" She said, snapping him out of it.

"Sarah."

"Shall we get a table?" She asked, touching his hand.

"Uh..yeah."

How was she interested in him? He felt ashamed to have taken her here now.

"Do you wanna go somewhere else? This place is a dump." Why did he always _mumble_ like that?

He heard the waiter sigh again, a little amused.

"Where do you have in mind?" She said, licking her lips. "I thought you told me money was tight, you know, with your roommate's girlfriend and all."

"Oh…I have money. I have plenty….I…my film."

"Well, I know a good place, if you wanna go?"

"Yeah…sure…lead the way."

She took him down the street into a much classier part of town. The restaurant looked amazing but intimidatingly expensive. It was full of immaculately dressed people, rich people. She took him inside and they were seated. The waiter eyed them both suspiciously. He read the menu and it was so expensive. He wasn't even sure what many of the items were. Her hand touched his across the table, and she stroked it, licking her lips. He mirrored her order, flinching at the price but at least certain it would be something edible. She was hard to talk to at first, because she was so beautiful, not at all the kind of woman he expected to use a dating website, but she made it obvious she was interested and he grew in confidence. They finished their meal without him ever really realising what it was, and she continued to give him little boosts, touching his hand, licking her lips, biting her bottom lip as if she found him irresistible.

It was expensive, but he assured her he could afford it. He paid the waiter, who looked surprised, but he felt a small wrench of guilt at having used up almost all of their savings on this one date.

"Can I walk you home?" He asked her. Did that sound worse than he meant it?

"Sure." She slipped her hand into his confidently, and led the way back to her apartment. It was not far from the restaurant, a much more sophisticated part of town than Mark was used to. He was intimidated by her.

"We're here." She said quietly. "Aren't you going to kiss me?"

Mark blushed, and pressed his lips to hers. She took his hand and kissed him harder.

"You wanna come inside?" She whispered. Mark was taken aback, but he couldn't believe his luck.

"Sure." He said wide-eyed. This could not be happening. Roger would be so surprised. _Don't think about Roger now_.

She pulled him by the hand into the building and up the stairs. She stopped to kiss him again outside her door, unlocked it and pushed him inside, straight into the bedroom and onto the bed.

"You think we're moving too fast?" She said, crawling over him.

"Too fast-I-uh?"

"I don't always do this on the first date." She said, straddling him. "We can do this on one condition. I have to see you tomorrow."

"I'd love to see you again." Mark said, amazed.

She smiled, pushed him hard back down onto the bed and kissed him again, pulling off his shirt, and removing her own. Mark's head was spinning; he could hardly believe how fast things were moving, or how lucky he was to be here with this woman...

Mark crept into the loft early the next morning. Mimi was sitting at the table stirring a bowl of Cap'n Crunch miserably. Roger was standing over her, watching like a prison guard.

"You were out all night!" Roger said, grinning.

"So you hit it off? She wasn't a dude!" Mimi laughed.

"Don't be so sure." Roger said.

"She was great." Mark said, ignoring him. "We really hit it off." He pulled up a seat next to Mimi and poured himself a bowl of cereal.

"Well, now you're back I can leave." Roger said, and Mark saw Mimi roll her eyes. "I have to pick up some new AZT. You'll look after Mimi?"

"Yeah, sure." Mark said.

"I don't need looking after all the time Roger!"

"I couldn't leave you alone, Meems, what if something-"

"I'm not a little kid, Roger, I can-"

"Mimi I gotta go. I won't be long." He pulled on his coat and left the apartment.

"He's doing my fucking head in!" Mimi yelled, throwing her full bowl into the bin.

"Have you talked to him?" Mark asked, retrieving the bowl and putting it in the sink.

"I've tried! I've tried a million times! He just won't listen to a word I say. It's like he just doesn't give a shit about anything I think."

"He's scared for you, Meems." Mark said, sitting her down at the table again.

"I know he is. I know that. I just wish he'd _listen_ to me. He ignores everything I say."

"Mimi, aren't you going to eat anything?"

"I'm not hungry." She said sullenly.

"But…you' haven't gained any of the weight back since... Maybe if you did he'd get off your back."

"Mark, you're as bad as he is!" She said, standing up angrily. "I don't need to hear this from you too."

"Mimi..."

"I need to get out, Mark. I need some fresh air. It's supposed to be good for sick people…" She rolled her eyes. "I won't be long."

He jumped up quickly and went after her, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. "Mimi, he'll kill me."

She wrenched away from him, pulling on her leopard print coat. "Stand up for yourself then!"

"Mimi, he'll go crazy! You know he doesn't listen-"

"Mark, I'm going. I might be back before he is. I just need some time alone, outside. I've been locked up in here for weeks. I'm going crazy."

"Mimi…" He held on to her arm, pleading with her.

"What are you going to do, Mark. Lock me in my room? Let. Go!" She had a fury on her face he wanted to capture with his camera. He let her go.

"Mimi, don't be long, please."

"I won't."

"Promise you'll come back?"

"What? Of course I will. Mark…why wouldn't I come back?"

"You went missing before."

"That was different…" She hesitated sadly. "Mark, I promise I'll come back."

"It's cold."

"I'll be fine."

"Take my scarf."

"Your precious scarf? Really?"

"Please."

She took it from around his neck and draped it around herself. "I'll definitely be fine now." She smiled. "Thanks. Thanks for...you know...letting me go, even if I resent having to get permission."

She hugged him and slipped out of the door.

"Shit." Mark whispered to himself. She felt tiny in his arms as he hugged her. Roger was going to kill him.

He sat back at the table to finish his breakfast and to think of his date. Dreamily, he planned their meeting tonight. He would bring her back here tonight. He would show Roger how hot she was. He could picture the disbelief and the jealousy on his face. The door slammed open suddenly, interrupting his day dream.

"Mark." Roger said quietly. "Where the fuck is our money?"

"What?"

"Well there was no money in our stash this morning, so I figured you banked it. The ATM said differently. So where the fuck is our money?"

"I used it. Last night. On my date."

"All of it?" Roger said coldly.

Mark nodded slowly.

"I need AZT. _Mimi_ needs AZT." He said venomously. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Mark?"

"Roger, we'll figure it out. I'll…"

"You know how sick Mimi is." Roger grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and shoved him up against the wall. "You want her to die so you can date some _random_ woman you met on the internet?"

"Roger, chill, please." Mark said, pulling free. "I'll get you the money, okay."

"You better had." He said, shoving him into the wall again so hard that the room shook. "We don't have enough to last us long." He said between his teeth.

Roger stormed off into the bedroom. Mark shook the pain out of his body. Yep this was 1995 Roger.

"Mimi?" He heard Roger say. "Meems?" he came out of the bedroom again. "Where is she?"

"She-uh- she went out. I couldn't stop her, Roger. I tried, I really did."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Roger yelled. "Do you want her to die?"

"Roger, you're taking this too far. She feels like a prisoner! She's not going to die…"

"I'm going to look for her. Call Collins, get him looking too. Don't fuck this up, Mark."

He had slammed the door behind him before Mark could even respond. He sighed, considering making the call to Collins, but switching on his computer instead. He checked his emails. There was one from his date, confirming their plans for the night. He had a knot twisting in his stomach as he replied, but he couldn't wait to see her again. There was another email from an address he didn't recognise.

"Hey dude!

If this isn't Mark Cohen ignore us but if it is we hear you're rooming with Roger Davis of the Well Hungarians. We have a bar opening on Friday and no lead for our house band. It would be awesome if you could get him in touch with us.

Donny Quentin

Bar Manager, Greys"

Mark was ecstatic. This could be exactly what Roger needed to take his mind off Mimi for a while and to earn some money. Mark didn't mind sharing, but he did resent being criticised for spending his own money.

Finally he called Collins.

"Hey."

"It's me."

"What's up?"

"Mimi went for a walk. Roger told me to call you and get you out looking for her."

"What is wrong with him?"

"Collins, we're out of cash. We've got nothing. Mimi and Roger need AZT."

"You spent it on your date, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks." There was a pause. "Are you going to look for her."

"No. I don't think we need to."

"Me either."

Thanks for reviewing! I'm kind of basing my Roger on someone real too...but not as much as my Mimi. What do we think of Mark's girlfriend...maybe she's too good to be true...not that I would want to give anything away.


	4. Benny

**I know I've only just updated but I have another 16 chapters of this already finished and I don't like waiting! Thanks for the reviews. I love writing this.   
**

It _was_ cold. Mimi pulled her coat more tightly around her. It was good to be outside, and to be reminded of reality. She knew where she had to go.

She looked up at the big sign across the doorway and took a deep breath, stepping inside.

"Mimi!" The bar manager said happily.

"Hey."

"What can I do for you?"

"Can I have my job back?"

"Your job? Are you sure you're ready for this."

"We need money. Mark and Roger are at each other's throats. I need to get out of that damn apartment. Please, give me my job."

"I dunno Mimi…you still look pretty sick."

"Thanks!" Mimi said, offended. "I'm fine! I'll work behind the bar if you prefer." She was pleading. "We need money, and I need something…some sanity."

"Okay." He said hesitantly. "You're back on trial, okay. Nothing more."

"I can dance again?"

"If you feel up to it."

"Thank you!" She hopped over the bar and hugged him.

"Still just as agile as ever, huh, Mimi?" He laughed.

"When can I start?"

"How's tonight for you?"

"Great! I mean, I'll have to talk to Roger about it- he's been looking after me-"

"You haven't already talked to him?"

"No. I've tried but he…"

"I don't want to piss him off, Mimi. I've seen his temper."

"It has nothing to do with him!"

"I don't know Mimi…make sure you do talk to him, alright?"

"Okay. I will."

"Take care of yourself, girl."

"I will. I am." She smiled happily and left with a spring in her step, bumping into someone on the street.

"Mimi?"

"Benny."

"What the hell were you doing back in there?"

"What the hell is it to you?"

"You don't need to work there, Mimi, you're better than that place."

"We need cash, Benny. And I need to get out of the house." She tried to walk away but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"Roger is letting you?"

"Keep out of it."

"You haven't told him have you?" She said nothing. "Have you?!"

"No." She stared at the ground. "Benny I have to go."

"Mimi let's talk. I'll buy you a coffee. Come on."

"I shouldn't."

"I know things are complicated. Meems, I've worried about you. I haven't seen you since…"

"Since the funeral."

"Yeah."

"I know you paid for it. For her funeral. That was really good of you."

"I'm not a bad guy, Mimi."

"I know."

"Come on we can go to the Life. You look like you could do with a good meal."

She was cold enough to comply and followed him weakly down the street. He talked to her, but she barely responded. She regretted leaving the apartment, as she was feeling really weak and cold. At the café, the waiter smiled respectfully to Benny and seated him with Mimi. The waiter always treated Mimi differently when she was with Benny than anyone else. She remembered that first Christmas Eve with Roger with a small smile, surprised that she was allowed inside.

"Are you okay, Mimi." Benny said, touching her hand across the table.

Mimi withdrew it. "Fine." She said quietly. "Just tired."

"You're not strong enough to go back to work yet."

"I'm fine." She said through her teeth.

"You know I worried for you. Why didn't you go to rehab, Meems? I would have paid for you. We could have avoided all this."

"I just needed to get away. Do we have to talk about this?"

"Well.. this is the first time I've seen you since we broke up."

There was a long silence. "Well, we never technically broke up." Mimi said, with a small unreadable smile.

Benny stared into her eyes silently, before lunging at her with a kiss. She pushed him away with a squeal.

"Benny! What the hell are you doing?"

"Mimi I love you. I love you more than I ever loved Alison."

"I love Roger. I always have. I loved him when we were together. You were just…"

"I know. I always knew."

"So what the hell is all this about?"

"I'm sorry."

"So am I." She stood up. "This isn't a good idea. I have to go. But thank you. Thank you for everything you did for Angel…and for me. I _am_ grateful."

"Mimi, don't go."

"I have to."

She smoothed down her skirt and left onto the cold street. Benny wasn't a bad guy, she knew that, she just couldn't risk anything that would hurt Roger as badly as she had last time. She hadn't cheated on Roger, but she knew she hadn't exactly given him reason to believe that she was faithful. This time would be different. This time she would do everything in her power to make sure he knew that she loved him.

"Mimi!" Someone yelled.

"Roger." She sighed. He ran across the street to meet her.

"What the hell are you doing out of the apartment? Don't you care what happens to you? You're sick." He kissed her frantically.

He had taken off his leather jacket and was wrapping it around her. "Mimi, you're freezing."

"I'm okay."

"Mimi." Benny came out of the life café after her. "Roger." He looked surprised.

"You and him?" Roger shook his head. "Please tell me…"

"No, Roger. We were talking. I went to the Cat Scratch to get my old job back. He was trying to persuade me not to."

Roger looked between them, but he seemed to believe her. His mouth stayed in a hard, angry line.

"I'd better go." Benny said. "Look after yourself, Mimi."

"What the fuck do you wanna speak to him for?" Roger said angrily, pulling Mimi close to him. "And why would you want to work back there. We're doing okay, Mimi. I don't want you ever to have to work there again."

"Roger, I can't live like this anymore. I'm sick to fucking death of sitting in that apartment all day everyday doing nothing. It's driving me mad."

He stopped, taking her shoulders parallel to him. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I don't want you to get hurt again. I can't let anything happen to you…"


	5. Sleep

**Pleeease can I have some reviews even if you don't like what I have written? I welcome constructive criticism! Are my chapters too long/short?   
**

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**Flashback – December 1996**

He remembered the night Maureen and Joanne had brought her back to the loft, how Collins had taken her in his arms and Roger had snatched her away, clinging to her until the paramedics had finally arrived. Mimi was in the hospital for almost a week. She didn't know that Benny had paid all of her medical bills. Roger had refused to accept his help at first, but Benny had slammed him up against the wall outside and told him to stop being so damn proud. He swore to Benny that he would pay him back every cent of what he had given them, and Benny had shrugged it off. Roger hated him.

She had clung to Roger so tightly that night he had believed that everything could be perfect between them finally. The second her body had hit that hospital bed she changed. Neither Roger nor Collins left her side for a second; the only difference was that Mimi refused to let Collins go but she barely acknowledged Roger. It broke his heart. It broke Mark and Maureen's hearts too, as they watched. Joanne was different. She seemed to understand, although she didn't talk about it.

He hated to think of what had happened to her in the time she had lived on the streets. She had nightmares every time she slept, thrashing weakly under sheets, and it was always Collins who helped her because suddenly Roger wasn't good enough anymore. And Collins was so infuriating because he didn't do anything to make her change. He kept telling Roger to be patient, which was a fucking stupid thing to say...but after a few days suddenly and mysteriously Roger seemed to come back into focus for her again. Once Roger was back in her world she was Mimi again...a little thinner and weaker, but it wouldn't have surprised anyone to see her dancing down the fire escape.

Maureen and Joanne were oblivious to a lot. Collins and Roger had been there through her nightmares, and now she was back in the apartment Mark was there to witness them too. Maureen and Joanne saw Mimi. The boys saw darkness.

"Stop it please!" Mimi writhed. "Please go." As Roger tried to help her she fought him away, but he held strong against her weak fight.

"I hate it!" she sobbed. Nothing Roger ever said could ever convince her she was safe…until morning and she was Mimi again, as if nothing had ever happened. A doctor had mentioned post traumatic stress but Mimi refused to talk at all about anything that had happened. Roger and Mimi always slept pressed up against each other, their faces as close as they could get. Mimi needed him as heat more than anything. In the mornings she joked and called him Radiator Roger. At night her body almost went into spasms with cold.

In the day he questioned her over and over, apologising and pleading, and she listened with wide, innocent eyes and swore she loved him and swore she couldn't remember anything. Collins had told him to shut up and to accept her renewed love of him without questioning it but he knew that something horrible had happened, and whichever way he looked at it he could have stopped it.

"Roger, you're killing yourself." Collins said quietly one day, whilst Mimi was putting on a bright and happy front for Maureen. "You need to sleep, man."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Roger could barley keep his eyes open. He slept when Mimi slept, but he wasn't as good at pretending to be happy as she was.

"Let someone help you. I'll stay with her tonight. If you don't get some rest you're going to snap."

He shook his head. "No way. I'm not leaving her again."

"I'm not talking about leaving, I'm talking about you getting a good night's rest. You've had almost no sleep since Christmas Eve. I've had a break."

"If she has to go through this without a break I will too." He yawned, annoyingly undermining his point. "Sometimes we sleep all night now, it's not as bad as it was."

Mark joined them at the table. He looked almost as exhausted as Roger. "What's with her? Why is she pretending to be so happy?"

Roger's eyes were closing, his head propped up by his arm, but Collins and Mark watched Maureen, loud as always, and Mimi straining to seem cheerful. Mimi was still undoubtedly sick. She sat curled on the sofa buried in cushions and blankets all day trying to seem cheerful, but when she was alone with Roger she stopped making the effort, and she was like a frightened child again.

"To stop us worrying." Collins said. "To stop us asking questions."

"Does she think we can't see through it?" Mark said, as Maureen shrieked with laughter about something. "Most of us anyway."

"Who knows what she's thinking."

"What the hell happened to her?" Mark shook his head sadly. "And why the hell did we let it happen?"

"Nobody let it happen." Roger said, his eyes still closed. "Except me. You stayed, you made the effort to help her and I ran out of town."

Nobody argued with him. There was no point. Although nobody blamed or judged him, he was right. Sighing, Roger dragged himself up from his seat and crossed the room to join the girls, plopping himself next to Mimi. Her eyes widened and she screamed "My feet!" pushing Roger away.

"You crushed her fucking feet with your fat ass, Roger!" Maureen laughed, and Roger managed to crack a smile as he shuffled away, opening his arms up to invite Mimi in. She climbed onto his lap and his arms closed around her.

"You're warm." She whispered.

"You're freezing." He kissed her neck softly.

"Don't start that!" Maureen said loudly. "It's too hot for me to handle."

"I need to talk to her on her own." Collins said quietly to Mark, diverting his attention away from the others. "For Roger's sake, at least."

Mark nodded. "She's stronger than this. We can wait...Joanne's here later. We can get Joanne to distract…"

"What's wrong with honesty, Mark?" Collins laughed. "Roger!" he called.

"What?" Even his voice sounded exhausted.

"Go get coffee. I'm sick of this cheap shit you guys buy. The fresh air will do you some good. I need to talk to Mimi."

Mimi whispered something to Roger with wide eyes, but Roger made no response. After a few moments he gently lifted Mimi from his lap and went to get his jacket. Collins handed him some money.

"Nothing like fresh New York City air pollution," he shook his head at Collins with a sarcastic grin. "I'll be back soon."

"Maureen." Collins said.

"Yeah I know." She said brightly, standing up and draping an arm around Mark's shoulder. "Marky! I'll tell you the story I was telling Mimi about that bitch in the…" her voice faded out as she shoved Mark into his bedroom.

Mimi laughed nervously. Collins came to sit by her, taking her hand.

"Meems, what happened?"

She looked him straight in the eye but didn't speak.

"Mimi." He repeated. "Tell me."

"I don't know." She said. "Really, I don't."

"Are you sure."

"Sure." She squeezed his hand and let him go.

"Are you happy? Really. Not just faking it. Because it looks to us like you're trying to throw us all off the scent, and it ain't working, baby."

"I'm so goddamn _tired_." She wailed miserably. "I can't even function."

"That's okay, Meems. You need sleep, and Roger sure needs some sleep. The boy can't even keep his eyes open."

"I know." She buried her head in his side. "I wish Angel was here."

"I do too, baby. But if Angel were here I know what he'd say. Angel told me to tell you something, and maybe I should have done it sooner...maybe that would have stopped things from..." He trailed off, finding tears in his eyes. "Angel said for me to remind you 'tú eres fuerte'."

"Tú eres fuerte." She repeated softly.

"See she's a real Angel now."

"Thanks Collins." She looked up at the ceiling. "Thanks Angel."

"Don't you dare tell anyone I just teared up this bad." Collins said, grinning and blinking away tears. "Promise me you won't have a nightmare tonight?"

"I'll try."

"And you'll tell Roger you love him."

"I do love him."

"Tell him that."

"I will."

"And feel what you feel. If you want to throw a tantrum go ahead. And we'll laugh at you and you'll laugh at yourself and you'll feel a whole lot better. Holding stuff is for Roger, you know that."

"Is he really mad at me?"

"What would make you think that?"

"I've been shit. I don't want to be just stress for everyone."

"You're not _just_ stress. You're a hell of a lot of stress, but you're damn worth it. With everything you've been through it's a lot scarier that we just can't read you anymore."

She yawned peacefully. "Can you read that?"

"Get some sleep."

"Why do I feel better already?"

"Because I'm fucking awesome." He grinned. I love you, baby." He hugged her as she rested her head back against the cushions.

"Love you, Collins."

When Roger returned with coffee, Collins refused to let him drink a drop and banished him to his bedroom. He had wanted to join Mimi sleeping on the sofa, but Collins was not negotiating. Maureen was on strict orders to keep quiet. When Joanne arrived later that evening after work, she said nothing, but high-fived Collins after seeing Mimi's peaceful sleeping form.

"I'm praying she doesn't have nightmares." She said softly.

"She won't. Angel's on the job now." Collins smiled.

Mimi's nightmares slowly began to fade and they were able to sleep for much longer as time went on. She was definitely becoming herself again, and although she was still weak and exhausted, she had her spark back again.

**End of flashback**

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**All of this chapter really happened with my real-life Mimi and Roger. They're so cute!****  
**


	6. Better Save Your Heart

**Yay nice reviews! Thank you! I promise all of this is going somewhere...it's taking a while but there's a lot of background I need to set up.  
**

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Roger had wanted to kick the shit out of Benny, but he trusted Mimi. The circumstances seemed all wrong but this was Mimi. A few months ago he would have killed to have found them together just so he could be sure and could stop having to obsess over it all the time. Now...it was different. Somehow he knew that Mimi would not cheat on him. No, she wouldn't _want_ to cheat on him. 

"Nothing bad's going to happen to me, Roger." She whispered close to him.

She was straining to free herself from this prison he had created to protect her and it hurt. And it was terrifying.

"You can't know that, not yet." He sighed. "I don't want you working there."

"What else am I going to do? We need money and it's not fair to rely on Mark."

"_I'll_ work. Just promise me you'll stay inside where it's warm."

"You work and I'll work. I'm not staying in anymore."

"Mark spent all our AZT money on his date last night."

"All of it?"

"Every penny."

"Shit."

"That's all you're going to say?"

"What am I supposed to say? It's his money."

"He's so fucking selfish."

Mimi shrugged. The truth was she was her whole body was aching and it as really hard to concentrate. Not that she'd ever tell Roger that, and prove him right all along. Roger could tell she was still too sick, he had bundled her up and held her as close to his body as possible as they walked back home.

"Don't come down too hard on Mark, Rog. I forced him to let me out. He begged me not to go."

"He gave you his scarf."

"Yeah. He said if I was going I should stay as warm as possible. See, he's not totally irresponsible."

Roger sighed, a small grin on his face. "You are a pain in the ass, Mimi Marquez, but Goddamnit you make things interesting around here."

"And you're a worrying old man, upsetting yourself over nothing and taking it out on everyone else."

"You're worth it, kiddo."

Mimi mouthed 'thank you' to Mark as they entered the loft. Mark shook his head, smiling a little as he saw a chilled out Roger.

"Hey, Roger, there's an email here for you." He said, referring to the message from the bar.

"For me? Why? How?"

"Just read it."

Roger looked at the computer as if it would attack him.

"It's on the screen. Just read. You don't have to do anything."

Roger read it, with Mimi reading over his shoulder. Roger shook his head after he finished but Mimi looked happy.

"Rog, this could be exactly what we need."

"Working for them?"

"Yeah. A job doing what you love. It sounds good to me."

Mark sat back looking a little smug. "Call them."

"I don't know."

"Why not? You used to work behind a bar…at least this way you'll get to play."

"I've seen that place. It looks like a typical yuppie bar. I can't work there I'd rather…." He caught sight of Mimi's pissed off face and sighed. "Okay…I'll think about it. But Mimi, you're going to have to promise-"

"I'll look after myself. I will." She grinned. "You should go for it."

"Call them." Mark said.

"I'm not calling them. I'll go down there."

"You will?" Mimi kissed him. "Now?"

"Yeah. Stay here, okay." He gave her a lingering kiss. "I won't be long."

Mark waited until he had left before turning to Mimi. "What happened?"

"Benny."

"Benny?"

"Yeah. I went to the Cat Scratch to see if I could get my old job back…"

"Mimi…"

"I know." She rolled her eyes. "Benny saw me, told me I was stupid, dragged me off to the Life but it was too awkward. And then on my way out Roger saw me."

"Don't go back to that club, Mimi."

"Like Roger would let me." She bit her lip. "Mark?"

"What?" He looked at her concerned.

"Benny kissed me."

Mark sighed. "And?"

"And nothing! I walked out. I just feel bad. It's not like I can tell Roger, he'll get all paranoid again."

"I thought you weren't keeping secrets anymore."

"I dunno, Mark…he's so…"

"Possessive?"

"Yeah. If I tell him he won't take it well, he'll accuse me of sleeping with him and then kill him."

"I can't believe Benny would…"

"He wasn't like… he seemed upset. I guess the break up with Alison really hit him hard. I mean, it's not like he has any friends anymore."

"Well he has you to thank for that."

"Yeah…God…I wish I had never…"

Mark hugged Mimi, sensing she was upset. She felt so frail in his arms.

"How about something to eat now?"

"I want to know about your date! I want every detail."

"Well…"

"Not _every_ detail." Mimi grinned. "You can spare me the R-rated stuff."

"Meems, she was awesome." Mark grinned. "She's so beautiful. We went to one of those yuppie restaurants."

"Don't tell Roger that." Mimi smiled, lighting a cigarette. "He's already pissed at you spending so much money."

"Yeah…I'm sorry about that."

Mimi shrugged. "You shouldn't have to pay for everything for us. Typical Roger, can't understand expensive dates." She sighed. "He's such a catch."

"I've got another date tonight."

"You have? It must have gone well."

"Yeah..I was thinking about bringing her over here."

"I'll try to get Roger out of the way."

"No- don't. I want him to see her. I want to prove…"

"That's she's not a dude?" Mimi laughed.

"She's just…she's so hot. Roger will…"

"Will what, huh?" She put her hands on her hips playfully.

"He just won't expect her to be so hot."

"Okay we'll stick around. Maybe you could invite Maureen too and see how jealous she gets?"

"You think?" Mark said eagerly.

"I'm kidding!" She laughed. "But okay we'll stick around if you want."

Mimi's beeper went off. "AZT time!" She said with fake cheer.

"You…have enough?" Mark asked guiltily.

"Yeah, for now." She went into the bedroom to take her pills. She sat on Roger's bed, taking the pills out of the drawer. She felt weak, her hands were shaking. As she pressed the AZT to her mouth it slipped through her unsteady fingers and fell to the floor.

"Shit!"

She reached down under the bed, blindly feeling for her AZT. Her hand found a scrap of paper. "Your Eyes." There were lyrics there from the song Roger had written for her on the road. She flipped it over. There were a lot of crossed out changes and lines of the song. And then she saw the line:

"You can't save the world, better save your heart."

Mimi suddenly felt a guilty warmth towards him. Roger had changed and the fact that they were still together proved that. He was risking his heart for her. She felt guilty that she had been so insensitive to his worrying about her. The old Roger would have had to leave, to save his heart by distancing himself but the new Roger...she was so proud of him.

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"You can't save the world, better save your heart" is from the song Open Road on the NYTW. 


	7. Work

**How come I have a gazillion hits and hardly any reviews? Do I smell? Love to everyone who has reviewed. It's very appreciated.  
The plot starts to kick in in full force here. (It's about time I know!)**

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"What are you doing?" Roger asked, standing in the doorway.

"I dropped my AZT." Mimi said. "You're back soon."

Roger sprawled out along the floor under the bed to find the pill for her.

"You can't save the world better save your heart." She said quietly.

Roger's head jerked up quickly and he hit his head. When he pulled out from under the bed to look at her he seemed embarrassed.

"I'm sorry." Mimi whispered, handing it to him.

He looked at the piece of paper long and hard. "That line brought me back. Back here. For you."

"I've been really selfish." Mimi whispered.

He shook his head, but continued to stare at the ragged paper, a sad look on his face.

"Roger, I'm sorry."

He sat down next to her, still holding the crumpled piece of paper.

"Do you still think like that?" She asked, touching his hand.

He shrugged. "After April…after she died I just thought that was it- I could never let myself get hurt like that again, and so I just had to be alone. Then you came along and I had no choice." He kissed her forehead gently.

"I've been so selfish." She repeated. "I should have understood..."

"I've been too…protective."

Mimi laughed breathily "Look what happens when you're not." There was a silence. "So…what did they say?"

"The guys at the bar? They offered me a job."

"Do you want it?"

"I dunno. Pay is good, but they want me to front the house band there, and I dunno if it's even worth my time, they look shit. I don't think I should leave you alone at night."

Mimi had a sad, unreadable expression on her face, as if she wanted to say something supportive but couldn't find the words. "Don't take it on my account, but don't turn it down for me either." She said finally.

"I dunno…I always think one day I'll be inspired and write an amazing song and get my own band together instead of some rejects from a chain of Manhattan clubs and we'll be set for life." He sighed. "I can't rely on that wish anymore. The longer I don't write the less money we have and if it isn't going to happen I should get my ass into gear and get us some money together another way."

A dreamy smile crossed Mimi's face. "I used to think I'd be a ballerina. And here I am, a dancer in a strip club. But at least I'm dancing...or I was, anyway. It's better than doing somethig random."

"A ballerina?"

She grinned, a little embarrassed. "Yeah. I used to go to classes when I was a kid, until we couldn't pay anymore."

Roger couldn't help but smile. "I didn't know that." He felt guilty now…if she could go from ballerina to stripper for money surely he could go from credible musician to playing in a house band, however shit they might be.

"It sounds stupid now." Mimi said. "I bet you've always been a rockstar, huh?"

"For as long as I can remember." He groaned. "I always swore I would never do anything just for the money, I should only do what I want to do."

"If they try to turn you into a Spice Girl then quit quit quit! It seems totally harmless. At least it's not too far removed from what you want. Maybe it'll inspire you." She grinned.

"You want me to take it?"

"Only if you want to. If it'll make things easier with you and Mark then I'm all for it."

"Mark will be home at night. Or I could ask Collins…"

"I'll be okay, Rog." She smiled.

"I don't want you home alone. I'm not taking the job if you'll be here on your own."

She sighed, taking his big hand in hers. "What are you scared of happening?"

"You're still weak. And you have those dreams…I don't want you to have to go through that alone."

"Don't worry about me, Rog. I'll be fine. They don't hurt me, they just freak me out a little."

"I don't want you on your own." He said firmly.

"I don't want you to pass up on something that could be good for you because of me."

"_You're_ good for me. If I lose you for…"

"You won't."

"I'll take the job so long as you have someone with you." He said seriously.

She grinned, a little exasperated at him. "Fine. If it keeps you happy. You're going to have to let me get back to normal sometime."

"When you're healthy. If anything ever happened to you again I…"

"Okay. Just tell the Cat Scratch Manager I can't take my job back." She pouted in mock sadness. "But if I took the job we could come home at around the same time…"

"Don't work there, Mimi." He begged seriously.

"If you say so, sir." She grinned, kissing his cheek. "AZT?" She offered the pills to him as if they were candy. He took one and swallowed it.

"At least we'll be able to afford it if I'm working and Mark can be as selfish as he wants."

"She's coming over here tonight." Mimi said brightly.

"Why?" Roger said, pulling a face.

"Why do you think?" She laughed.

"I can't imagine." He growled, kissing her and pressing her against the bed, sliding his hands along her thigh. His other hand pushed its way under her shirt, tracing her outline.

He came up for air, and pulled off his shirt, delving back in. She made a noise of protest. Her head tilted back and he ravished her neck with kisses, and teasing the hems of her underwear and skirt.

"Hey Roger did you…" Mark stepped into the room but stopped as he saw them. "Never mind." He stuttered.

"Close the door." Roger grunted after him. Mark obeyed.

Roger's hands came back to Mimi, pulling away her shirt. He kissed along the curve between her ribs and her stomach and along her breastbone, back up to her neck.

"Roger…" She muttered.

"Mimi…"

"No, Roger. We haven't…since, you know…"

"It's about time then, isn't it?"

She propped herself up on her elbow. "I dunno."

"Why, what's up?"

"I just don't know if it's…right…yet."

"Why?" He asked. "Baby, why? What's up?"

"Nothing. I just don't… You can't have it both ways. You can't act like I'm too sick to function and still expect…"

"Never mind." Roger sighed, rolling over. She snuggled into his side.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Forget it." He wasn't angry, he was just frustrated. It had been a long time since they had had sex, and she always let him get so close before she shot him down. He didn't want to pressure her, but he couldn't understand what she was doing…and he wanted her badly.

"I'm sorry." She repeated, snuggling even closer.

"What is it? What's the problem?" His attitude softened as he whispered warmly into her ear. "What happened?"

Mimi sighed, nestling her face closer into his side. She knew she should give him an answer, and she was grateful he wasn't coming up with the paranoid responses that would have been eating away at him a few months earlier, but she truly did not know waht to say. She loved him for not yelling at her, like she deserved, it touched her heart that he was being so gentle and understanding. She knew how frustrated this made him, and it made his tenderness all the more heart warming.

"I can't explain it." She whispered hazily.

"Have you tried?"

"I just don't know." For some reason her throat was choking her, and she could feel harsh sobs welling up in her throat.

She found her shirt and pulled it back on.

"Meems…" Roger protested, sensing her mood change.

"I just need to get something to drink." She choked.

She went out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Mark was reading the newspaper with a coffee as usual. He looked up a little surprised when he saw her. She blinked back the tears and swallowed the lump in her throat. Thankfully he didn't seem to notice.

"That was fast!"

Mimi pulled a face. "Oh no. We didn't…" It somehow felt important that he knew. "We haven't since…"

"Oh." Mark's brow furrowed in surprise again. "I just thought you two…"

"No."

She poured herself a glass of water and drank it quickly.

Roger came out of the bedroom and there was an uncomfortable spark between their eyes. She turned back to the sink to get another glass of water. He hesitated, but took the opportunity to wrap his arms around her waist.

"It's okay, you know?" He whispered softly into her ear.

She bit her lip, her turn to feel frustrated. The last thing she wanted now was to talk about it, because she knew there was a high chance of her falling to pieces. This made no sense.

"You know, Mark, they offered him the job." Mimi said, pulling out of Roger's arms.

"And?" Mark said eagerly.

"He won't take the job unless he knows I've got someone to protect me at all times." Mimi grinned.

Mark smirked, and Roger suddenly felt defensive. He hated it when they ganged up on him. He sat at the table, scowling sullenly.

"I'll be home most nights." Mark said, grinning at Mimi with a glint in his eye. "You should take the job, Rog, it'll be good for you."

"Collins can come over when Mark isn't here." Mimi soothed.

"Oh…he called while you two were…uh…he wanted crash back here for a while. He can't afford the rent without..." He trailed off, not wanting to bring up Angel.

"Really?!" Mimi smiled. "And you said yeah, right?"

Mark shrugged. "Well you two need to…"

"Roger?"

"Sure whatever." He said sulkily.

"Yessss!" Mimi kissed him swiftly on the cheek, and he couldn't suppress a smile. "I love it when Collins stays here." She grinned. "Call him back, Mark!"


	8. Drifting Away

**My real-life Mimi is really, really sick right now. I'm scared for her. I have to warn you the chapter after this one is MASSIVE but it wouldn't work cut down.  
**

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Mark laughed at Mimi's enthusiasm and went to the phone. Roger pulled Mimi onto his lap. 

"You sound happier." He said, kissing her neck warmly. She breathed out softly.

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I want you to be happy."

"No…I mean for…" The way he was kissing her was distracting.

"We can work through it." He whispered. "If you're willing."

Mimi smiled and turned her head to face him. "Roger Davis, you've changed." She said sweetly.

"I know."

"Tonight…?" Mark called across the room to them.

They stared, confused for a second before they remembered what he was talking about.

"Oh! Yeah, great!" Mimi said. "Party?"

Roger groaned. "We'll have to invite Maureen and Joanne."

"So!? It'll be fun."

"You're not tired?"

Mimi shrugged. She was always exhausted, what difference did it make? "A quiet one?"

"Okay."

"I'll call them." Mark said, still at the phone.

"Thank you." Mimi kissed Roger's cheek, lingering a little longer than the average cheek kiss. He wanted her so badly.

He lifted her onto the table and stood. "I need a coffee. You want one?"

"Sure."

"Mark?"

"What…yeah…" He said distractedly. Maureen could be heard on the other end of the phone, occupying his attention as usual.

"Black, no sugar, please." Mimi said. Roger eyed her suspiciously, but said nothing.

"We're on." Mark said, coming back to his seat at the table. "So, Roger, are you taking the job."

Roger pulled a face. "I suppose so. I don't know why they wanted me, though."

"Because you're awesome?" Mimi suggested innocently. "And if the band is as shit as you say they are they need as much awesomeness in a front man as they can get."

Roger grinned tiredly, and set her coffee in front of her.

"Black?" Mark said. "Since when?"

"I always make it black for myself. It's better."

"Mimi Marquez, you're hardcore." He laughed. She raised her coffee mug to his in a mock toast.

A while later as they were finishing their coffees the door swung open and Collins walked in triumphantly. "Throw that cheap shit out, guys, I brought the good stuff."

"Collins!" Mimi rushed to him and he dropped his bag to give her a warm hug. "You're all sweaty!"

"I ran." Collins laughed. "So I've been sitting on my ass for a few months. I'm a little out of shape."

Mark closed the door behind him to keep the heat in. "Good to have you here, man."

"Roger has a job." Mimi said.

"A job? You got off your ass finally."

"They specifically requested him." Mimi said proudly.

"That's great, Roger." He slapped Roger on the back. Mimi came back to Roger, and he pulled her back onto his lap.

"Dude, you look exhausted."

Roger laughed quietly and held his coffee up.

"You guys still not sleeping?"

Mimi shrugged guiltily. "We're doing okay." Roger muttered.

Collins began to unpack, which mostly consisted of emptying his back of liquor.

"Mary Poppins has arrived." He laughed, delving in again for more.

"You get..?" Mimi began but he interrupted her, throwing her a packet of Marlboro lights.

"Yesss!" She lit one up eagerly and leaned back into Roger's arms. Collins handed Roger a pack of Marlboro Reds and he lit one up.

The door flew open again and Maureen strode in purposefully. "We're all back together again!"

Joanne came in grinning and shaking her head.

"Roger, put that damn cigarette out, you'll ruin your voice!" Maureen yelled.

"I think I'll do alright." Roger said.

Maureen shook her head and dived for the cigarette. He tried to hold it out of her reach but she pulled it off him and put it out.

"I'm doing you a favour. You need to keep this job." She kissed Mimi's forehead as a greeting. "It's great you guys living together again. It's so cute. And like the old days. And it means it's easier for us to all get together!"

Joanne took a beer off the table and settled herself into a chair. "She hasn't shut up all day."

"Pookie, we're all together again!" Maureen pouted. "It's good news!"

"How's the film going, Mark?" Joanne asked, hoping a change of subject would shut Maureen up for five goodamn seconds.

Mark began to grumble about his lack of inspiration. Roger leaned to get another cigarette, but Maureen slapped his hand away.

"There are no quiet nights in with Maureen around." Roger grumbled in Mimi's ear.

"It's nice to have everyone here." She whispered in response.

"I know…I'm just so fucking tired."

He pulled her tighter into his body, leaning his head on her shoulder and kissing her neck tenderly. With his hands warmly around her middle and their eyes closed they could have been anywhere else. Maureen was teasing Mark about something, Joanne and Collins were laughing but Roger and Mimi were drifting away together.

Collins nudged Mark and they looked over in their direction.

"Aww." Maureen said quietly.

Mimi and Roger didn't even open their eyes.

"They're so cute!" She added.

"What happened to Mimi wanting a party tonight?" Joanne whispered.

"They should take sleep whenever they can get it." Collins said. "Things are still rough, huh?"

Mark nodded. "You think we should make them go to-"

Maureen cut him off with her hand and crawled over the table to them leaning close to them.

"Mimi…" she whispered. "Roger…wakey wakey." She leaned closer.

Roger opened an eye to see Maureen's face an inch from his. "What?"

"Go to bed. You're falling asleep."

"It's 2 in the afternoon." He pushed her face a little further away.

"Maybe you guys should go get some sleep while you can." Joanne whispered quietly, mindful not to wake Mimi.

Roger took a few seconds, a pained, exhausted look on his face before he lifted Mimi into his arms and stood.

"Roger…" She muttered.

"Night sleepy princess." Maureen laughed, kissing her forehead.

"Goodnight." Mimi grinned sleepily as Roger carried her into the bedroom.

"We're going to get some tonight." Mimi whispered as Roger laid her on the bed.

"Get some?" Roger asked, a little hopeful.

"Sleep." She added with a smile. "What were you thinking?" She grinned. "With all those people in the other room? Roger…" She wrinkled up her nose.

He couldn't help but laugh. "I know." He kissed her forehead softly.

She snuggled down into the blankets and he closed the curtains, trying to block out as much sunlight from outside as he could. He climbed into bed with her taking her in his arms.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?" He whispered.

"There's nothing to talk about." She replied. "We just need time, that's all."

"We've had time."

"Not enough. Roger do we have to…?"

He sighed. "No, baby." He kissed her instead. "You should get some sleep."

* * *

**Place your bets on how long sensitive Roger will last. **


	9. Sexual Tension

**Here is my long chapter. Thanks for my reviews, they are very nice thankyou!  
**

* * *

Maureen's laugh woke Roger a little while later. He wasn't sure what time it was, but he could see that it was still light outside. Mimi was still sleeping, her face snuggled into his neck. He unwrapped himself from around her and climbed out of bed, heading towards the bathroom.

"Don't laugh, Maureen, I'm worried about them." He heard Mark saying.

He paused at the door to listen.

"Pookie, you're always worried about something."

"Stop calling him that." Joanne hissed.

"I can't help it…it's a habit."

"There's something different about them." Mark continued.

"They seemed fine to me." Came Joanne's voice.

"I know…they fake it…I was talking to Mimi earlier, she said they haven't…you know, since they last broke up and that was…just before…when Angel died."

"Haven't what?" Maureen demanded. "Haven't had sex?" Her voice rose in surprise.

"Well…yeah…"

"That's a really long time." Maureen said thoughtfully.

"82 days." Collins said.

There was a silence for a second. Collins knew the number of days…it was too sad.

"But guys, they were broken up for all of November and most of December. With Mimi sick all this time it's not that big a deal." Collins added.

"I just thought…after Mimi got out of the hospital they'd be making up for lost time." Maureen said. "I think it's weird."

"Me too." Joanne added seriously.

"She feels like a prisoner." Mark said. Roger hated him. Why the hell was Mimi telling Mark this stuff when she wouldn't even speak to him about anything?

"He is totally neurotic about protecting her." Joanne said. "At first it was kinda cute, but now…"

"Mimi says he feels guilty. He blames himself for what happened." Mark said.

"Well if he hadn't been so damn…." Maureen stopped herself. "It'd drive me insane to be locked away all day in here. No offence."

"None taken." Mark muttered. "She went out today to…she said she went to get her old job back, but I think Roger has stopped her."

"Good." Joanne said. "She shouldn't work there."

"She said Benny tried to stop her too. He tried to take her to dinner…" He hesitated. "She told me he kissed her."

Roger felt his heart leap, his stomach turn, anger rise in him.

"That ass! As if he hasn't caused enough damage." Maureen shrieked.

"Shut up, you could raise the dead with that voice." Collins hissed.

"I can't believe him though…" She seethed.

"She didn't do anything, right?" Joanne asked.

"No, of course not."

"And she can't tell Roger because he'll think the worst." Joanne said. "It has to be tough for her."

"That's what she said. She doesn't like keeping secrets from him but she knows he'll overreact."

"I fucking hate Benny." Maureen whispered.

"Don't you think there's something different about them? They're not…equal anymore." Mark hesitated. "He's like...I dunno…her father."

"You think too much about this stuff." Collins said simply. "They've been through a lot together, so they're taking it slow, no big deal."

"You won't be saying that after you've lived here for a while. It's so fucking tense I can't stand it."

Roger had heard enough. He let himself into the living room. They stared at him awkwardly for a few seconds.

"Hello sleepy head." Maureen said finally.

"Bathroom." Roger grunted coldly.

He was so angry and…hurt. He felt sick thinking of what they had said about him. And Mimi…how could she tell Mark so much? He wanted to kill Mark. Kill Benny. He was so frustrated.

"You think he heard?" Mark hissed.

"Oh…shit…" Collins grimaced awkwardly.

Roger slammed the bathroom door closed letting them know he had definitely heard. He came out a few seconds later, flashes of anger in his eyes.

"Roger…" Maureen started.

"What time's your date, Mark?" Roger asked coldly.

"You have a date?" Maureen squealed. "With who?"

"Mark got himself a girlfriend." Collins said, laughing.

Mark looked pleadingly at Roger, a little hurt. Roger stared back at him coolly. "Why don't you tell Maureen how you guys met, Mark?" He said. "Oh and could you guys keep the noise down? Mimi's asleep."

He went back into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He wouldn't sleep now. He watched Mimi. She looked so peaceful, she really did seem like a little girl. How could she be so afraid to speak to him? He stroked her face gently as she slept. He needed to protect her, it was an instinct he couldn't control. Even she seemed to understand it now, but obviously none of the others did. She could hear Maureen laughing as Mark told her about his date. Good.

"Roger?" She muttered.

"Are you awake? Go back to sleep, baby."

She opened her eyes sleepily and pushed herself up. "What time is it?"

"Still early." He sat down next to her, and she snuggled closer.

"You couldn't sleep?" She muttered.

"No." He stared at her hands as she pulled him closer to her body. "Can I talk to you?"

A look of fear crossed her face, but she said "Sure."

"I heard them talking before." He said quietly. "About us."

"And?"

"How much do you talk to Mark?"

"About what?"

"About us, Mimi."

"I dunno…when he asks a question I answer it." She looked concerned, but she wasn't looking him in the eye.

"Why can you answer his questions and not mine?"

"Why…What was he saying?"

"He was telling them about how we haven't had sex in so long, how you feel like some prisoner and how Benny kissed you."

Mimi wasn't looking at him. She was staring at her nails.

"Mimi?"

"What?"

"Why are you telling him this stuff? Stuff you can't even talk to me about…"

"It's not like I tell him stuff behind your back. He was talking about us, and so I told him we hadn't slept together…I don't know…I don't know why. I didn't tell you about Benny, I mean…you knew we saw each other, I just thought you'd flip out if you know and he…he seems kinda sad. I didn't want you to hurt him."

"I trust you, Mimi, I don't care what he did. I care that you couldn't tell me."

"It's not like that."

"Why can't you talk to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

He tilted her head so that she looked him straight in the eye. "That's not true and you know it."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

He sighed. "I don't know. I just don't like that you're too scared to tell me stuff. I don't like not understanding what's going on in your head. I don't like you pretending that things are okay between us when they're obviously not."

"I'm not scared to tell you stuff. Scared for Benny's safety maybe." She tried to smile but he remained serious. "Things are good between us, Roger. I'm happy, anyway. Are you not?"

"You can't stand it when I touch you."

"That's not true."

"Yeah it is."

"It's not! I just…need time."

"We've had time!" He said angrily. "I could understand if you'd let me, but you're not telling me a damn thing, so we're stuck here in this damn rut whilst our friends discuss all the things we're doing wrong." He was yelling now. "What are you waiting for? It's not going to fix itself."

"You are not going to yell at me over sex."

He let out an angry noise. "Why, Mimi? I need to know."

"Because I don't want to." She said through her teeth.

"What I have I done?"

"You broke my heart, Roger! I love you, I love you so much, but you hurt me! You can't expect me to just bounce back."

"So you're punishing me?"

"No!" She buried her head in her hands. "I don't know...I don't know what I'm doing."

He jumped up and paced. "This isn't good Mimi."

"What do you want me to do?"

"You know what I want."

She sighed, climbing out of bed and pulling on a sweater. She half wanted to calm him down, but she could feel those similar aching sobs welling up in her throat again. She let herself into the living room instead.

"Mimi…" They were surprised to see her. Mimi expected they would all have gone home, but in her mind it was much later than the time on the clock.

There was a crash in the bedroom and Roger could be heard cursing loudly.

"He's mad, huh?" Maureen said softly, opening her arms up to invite her into a hug.

Mimi shrugged, not convinced she could speak without crying and went into the bathroom, avoiding Maureen. She sat down on the toilet seat. She was so exhausted. Why was she crying? Roger had been so nice, but now…now she had broken him, pushed him too far, ruined it all again.

She couldn't understand what her problem was. She loved him, she loved to be with him, the way his body felt against hers, the way he kissed her, the way he held her to keep her warm. Somehow that all felt enough now.

The thought of sex made her feel weak in a way she couldn't explain. Sex made her powerless. Sex made him powerless, and she needed him strong.

She tried to stop crying, but she couldn't help it. This was stupid, this was stupid, so stupid.

"Mimi." Collins' voice.

"I'll be out in a second."

"Come on, Mimi, let me in."

She sighed, rubbing a finger under her eyes to remove any evidence that she had been crying. She went to the door and unlocked it, opening it a crack.

"Come on, baby girl, let me in."

She let him in and he enveloped her in a big hug. "He's being an ass, huh?"

Mimi shrugged. "He doesn't like the tension between us."

"What tension?"

"He thinks I hate him or something. He thinks I tell Mark everything and I won't talk to him. Be careful, Collins, he'll start suspecting you next."

"What's going on with you two?"

Mimi shrugged again. "I just need time."

"Tell me about it. Two and a half months is not long enough."

"Why don't they get it?"

"I don't know, baby." He gave her another tight squeeze. "Mark told me you and Roger haven't…"

"We haven't. That's what's pissing him off."

"Why not?"

"I shouldn't need to have a reason."

"But Mimi…you have to understand where he's coming from too. If you won't give him any explanation, and I'm not saying he should get whatever he wants, just that if things have changed and you're not giving him a reason you have to expect him to worry."

Mimi didn't say anything. She knew he was right, but that didn't help her much.

"Your asshole boyfriend told Maureen about Mark's date." Collins laughed, sensing she was close to tears.

"He did?"

"Yeah."

"He didn't want her to know. He said she would laugh at him because they met through the internet."

"He's right. She hasn't stopped laughing."

Mimi allowed a small smile to crack across her face. "He really likes her, you know. He was going to bring her back here tonight, but maybe he won't do that now." She bit her lip guiltily.

"Are you going to make it up with Roger?"

"I dunno. I don't even know how. I don't have anything to tell him, I don't have any excuses. I just…can't. Maybe I should get Mark to talk to him."

"I don't know, Mimi, that might just look like you two are closer than ever."

"Yeah but if he told him that I don't tell him everything…that would make it better."

"I don't think so."

"So what am I supposed to do?" Her voice was rising into a yell. Collins was taking Roger's side for the first time she could ever remember. And this was so black and white...there was no compromise...he would have to get over it or she would have to... "Are you saying I should just sleep with him and get over myself?"

"Don't shout at me, Mimi." He said seriously. "I'm trying to help you."

She sighed, sitting back on the toilet seat.

"I'm not saying you should just get over it, but you should make the effort to try. Mimi, if this is a _problem_ and not just a choice you should do something about it."

"What are you, Oprah? Why does this have to be a problem?"

"It is a problem if you're arguing about it and locking yourself in the bathroom."

"Well it's his problem, then. Not mine."

"He is an insensitive ass and I'm not denying that, Meems, but if things have changed between you two you have to take some of the responsibility."

"Nothing _has_ changed!" She said angrily. "I just - don't – want – to. If thinks we're over just because of _sex_ that's his decision and it's his problem. I'm happy the way we are."

"Mimi if you really think like that your relationship is not healthy. That's your problem, not his, and he can't understand if you don't let him. You're happy, he isn't. Don't you think that means you should work on it?"

"I knew you'd take his side. There's no way to compromise this. One of us is always going to be unhappy. What's the fucking point?"

"So what, you're saying it's over?"

"No."

"If you're not going to work on it you're doing the same thing."

"That's his fault then, if all he wants is sex."

"Mimi, I know Roger really damn well, and he has been so much more patient with you than anyone could have expected. He shouldn't have lost it with you today, but if you won't talk to him you can't blame him either."

"There's nothing to talk about! He knows how I feel, and I'm sorry if I can't explain it, but I can't and he won't accept that."

Collins sighed. "If you ain't going to make the effort with him, I hate to say it Mimi, but…"

"I've had enough of this conversation now."

"You know, you're behaving like a petulant child."

Mimi shrugged sulkily. "You're not perfect yourself."

"I'm going to talk to you when you've calmed down."

He left her alone in the bathroom. Mimi got the sense that he had had to fight hard not to shout at her. Making Collins angry was damn near impossible. She felt guilty and a little smug at the same time. He hadn't won, at least.

She had every intention of staying in the bathroom forever, ashamed to show her face to her friends knowing what they would all be thinking, but there was a knock on the door.

"For God's sake, I'm busy!"

"Meems, I uh…need the bathroom. I need to shower before my date."

She sighed. She _felt_ like a petulant child, but she couldn't help but want Mark's date to go well.

"In a second, Mark."

"Can I come in?"

"In a _second_."

She paced, but the bathroom was too small. She didn't want to have to face them. She took a deep breath, and opened the door.

"You're alright?"

"Fine." She said firmly.

He hugged her awkwardly. "Don't let this go on too long."

"That's not up to me."

"I'm not getting involved. Just…you know…"

"I hope your date goes well."

"Mimi!" Maureen yelled.

Mimi closed her eyes. "What?" She said delicately.

Mark gave her a sympathetic shrug and closed the door to the bathroom.

"What's going on, Meems?"

Maureen and Joanne were still sitting at the table, but Collins seemed to have left.

"Where's…"

"Talking to Roger in the bedroom, or what's left of it. What the hell did you say to piss them both off so much?" Joanne asked, very surprised.

Mimi sat at the table with them. She shrugged and took a long drink from the vodka bottle.

"What's going on, Meems?" Maureen said, a huge smile across her face as if she was enjoying the situation too much.

"Roger's pissed off and Collins thinks I'm being petulant."

"Are you?" Joanne asked.

Mimi shrugged. "Probably. I'm not going to compromise, because there is no compromise. Roger is the one who isn't happy with the way things are, I am happy until he starts yelling at me. Why should I do something I don't want to do? That's not compromise, that's letting him win."

"What?!" Maureen yelled, as if Mimi was deaf. "What are you talking about? What does he want?"

Mimi suddenly felt stupid. "Never mind." She said quietly.

"No, honey, tell us."

"It's just because we haven't..." Mimi whispered, wanting the ground to swallow her up.

"So, let me get this straight…you won't put out, and that's why he's pissed?" Joanne asked, an eyebrow raised.

Mimi nodded, taking another drink and refusing to look at them.

"Well…why won't you?" Maureen asked. "I mean…you used to."

Mimi shrugged. "I don't want to."

Maureen laughed, a little surprised.

"Don't laugh at me, Maureen." She said defensively.

"I'm sorry, honey, but I don't get it."

"I didn't expect _you_ to."

That was Joanne's cue to start laughing.

"Mimi, don't be a bitch with me. You are so cranky today." Maureen pouted.

"Do you fucking blame me? Collins think I should just get over myself...Roger's pissed off at me...like it matters. It shouldn't be such a big deal!"

"Mimi…a lot of couples break up over sex. I've seen a lot of divorce cases where marriages have broken down because of mismatched libidos. It is a big deal."

Mimi was quiet for a second. "It shouldn't be."

Joanne shrugged. "You can't expect him to go without sex forever."

"I don't. I just…not yet."

Joanne shrugged. "Honestly, Mimi, I don't understand why you feel like that…but you can get help for it."

"I don't want help. I shouldn't have to change to meet his demand for sex."

"No… come on, Mimi, do you think I would be saying that? It's not exactly in line with my feminist beliefs. If you love him but you hate the thought of sleeping with him suddenly it is a problem."

"But I don't want to."

"That's the problem!" Maureen said loudly. "You should want to."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this. I don't _want_ to want to."

"You don't look like you're happy the way things are."

"Because everyone's acting like I'm some kind of freak!" Her voice had risen again.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes!"

"I don't get it!" Maureen wailed dramatically. "Meems, if you had been like this all the time we'd known you it'd be…well it'd be weird…but we could accept it, I suppose. To just…go off it like this is wrong. Don't lose him because of this."

"But I don't want to."

"But you understand that it's a problem?" Joanne said sharply.

She shrugged. The bathroom door opened and Mark came out. Mimi planned to escape back in there.

"Marky! Come here!" Maureen shouted to him.

"I just got out of the shower." He called back.

"I know, just come here."

He shuffled over in a towel.

"Oh your hair's so cute when it's wet. I forgot how dark it goes."

"Maureen, what do you want?"

"What do you think about all this? Don't you think Mimi should try to sort her attitude out?"

"Jesus _Christ_." Mimi hissed.

Mark shrugged. "I just want everyone to be happy."

"Mimi hates sex. Can you believe that? If she sorts her attitude out there will be peace."

"I don't see why I should sort my attitude out if I don't want to!"

"Because it's wrong! You've changed, and it's weird, and it's damaging your relationship. Look, Mimi, something happened to make you feel like this and you can get help to sort it out. Mark…hellooo…stop sitting on the goddamn fence all the time."

Mark shrugged, aware that Mimi was squirming with embarrassment. "I don't think any of this is helping."

"It isn't." Mimi said fiercely.

"You have to face it, Mimi. It isn't going to go away on its own."

"I don't want to."

"I know you don't honey, but that's all part of the problem."

Mimi shook her head. "I need some air."

"Mimi, don't." Joanne protested.

She shook her head and unhooked her coat from by the door.

"Meems, Roger will go crazy if you go out now." Mark said. "Don't make this worse."

Mimi sat on the floor by the door in despair. She felt close to tears again, but she didn't want to cry over this. She felt like they were all against her, like some big intervention. The last thing she wanted to do was even talk about it.

Mark kneeled in front of her. She pulled a face "Mark, go away until you're less naked."

"I know you think you don't have anything to say, but just talk to him, at least tell him what's going on in your head. That's what bothers him."

"Don't take relationship advice from Mr Internet!" Maureen yelled across the room. "Pookie, go get dressed, for God's sake."

"Stop _calling_ him that!" Joanne hissed again.

Mark sighed, grinning a little. "Talk to him?"

She nodded. He went into his room. She stared at the drips on the floor where he had been for a second. She knew she had to talk to Roger, but why was Collins still in there? What could he be saying? Embarrassment was aching through her body. She could hardly believe that these conversations had happened.

Sighing, she dragged herself up off the floor.

"Are you going to talk to him, honey?" Joanne asked.

"I'll try."

"Good luck, sweetie." Maureen said softly.

She opened the door to the bedroom she shared with Roger. Roger and Collins weren't talking, or had stopped talking when she walked in, either way both looked angry.

"Can I talk to you?" Mimi whispered.

Roger shrugged, not looking her in the eye.

"I'll leave you two alone." Collins said solemnly.

"I'm sorry." Mimi whispered as he passed her on his way to the door.

He gave her a serious nod, and she knew she was forgiven. She waited until he had closed the door behind him before she moved.

"Roger…" She sat down next to him on the bed. "Don't be mad."

"I can't help it."

"Me either."

"I wish I knew what the hell was going on with you."

"Everyone thinks I have a problem."

"I know." There was a long silence. "Do you?" He said finally.

She shrugged. "I was happy until everyone turned against me."

"Nobody's fucking against you, Mimi!"

She said nothing.

"Meems, I don't get it."

"Neither do I."

He sighed. She touched his hand gently. He thought about pulling it away but he didn't.

"What have I done?"

"_Nothing_."

"I don't understand. Why has everything changed then?"

"_Everything_ hasn't. Sex isn't everything."

"Help me out here, Mimi."

"I don't _know_! I'm not doing this on purpose, Roger. I hate fighting with you."

He was silent for a second. "Okay…so tell me what is going on in your head?"

"I don't know. I think…" He touched her hand. "I feel weak." She added. "Weak. Like, not in control...of myself"

"Oh." He didn't understand.

"I can't explain it better than that."

"I still don't get it."

"Maybe I _am_ crazy."

"You think this is…when you were on the street? Maybe…that's why."

Mimi shrugged. "It's irrational. I can't make it stop."

"How can I help you? I'll do anything I can, baby."

"I don't even know…like…I can't make myself want to change. I don't want to want to change."

He was silent for a long time. "Do you want to want to want to change?"

Mimi thought about it hard. It was difficult to get her head around. "Maybe."

Roger made what Mimi could only interpret as a sigh of relief. "We have something to work with."

"Would you really dump me because you thought I would never have sex with you again?"

"When did I say that?"

"I just thought…"

"Meems it's not the sex that bothers me. Well…it does…but I can deal with it if I know we're working on it. It's just I don't understand, and it seemed like you just didn't want me to, like you would talk to Mark or Collins and try to hide it from me."

"I didn't. I promise."

He sighed. "I uh…broke some stuff."

She laughed. "I can see that." She said, surveying the room. "I thought it would have been worse."

"Yeah…I should be proud of my anger management progress. You managed to piss off Collins, now that takes some doing."

"I know." She laughed. "I threw a hissy fit. He called me a petulant child."

Roger snorted. "It's his own damn fault for playing father figure all the time."

Mimi laughed again, snuggling closer to him. He kissed the top of her head gently. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know. Take it slowly...I think...I think just...time." She whispered.

"Okay." He said. He still worried a little that this was just an act for his benefit and she had no intention of changing. He kissed her head again.

"I think we should let them know we're okay." Mimi whispered.

"Yeah."

"I'm nervous."

"Don't be. They love you. They just want you to be happy."

Mimi smiled a little. Roger opened the door to their bedroom and they came out into the living room.


	10. Boyz II Men

**Drunken chapteer! Yay! Thanks for reviews.**

* * *

"Happy?" Maureen asked unsurely as Mimi and Roger came back inside.

"Happy."

"Thank fuck for that."

Mimi mouthed 'sorry' at Collins. "Lets get drunk." He grinned.

"I hear that." Mimi laughed, taking a drink from the bottle again.

"Not too much, Meems." Roger said quietly. "Not yet."

She touched his hand softly, pulling him over to the table. He sat down wearily and pulled her back onto his lap.

"Déjà vu." Joanne laughed. "Can we stay this way, please?"

"I'll drink to that." Maureen said, giving her a kiss.

Mark shuffled out of his bedroom, dressed for his date. Maureen wolf-whistled, and he frowned, a little embarrassed.

"What time are you meeting her?" Joanne asked.

"In about 30 minutes." He groaned.

"Relax, it went well last night, it'll be better tonight." Collins said.

"What's all this about last night?" Maureen said, her eyes wide.

"His date went _very_ well." Roger grinned. "He skulked in early this morning."

"_Mark!_" Maureen squealed.

"She's really…great." Mark stuttered, an embarrassed grin across his face.

"She must be." Maureen said thoughtfully, leaning back in her seat.

"Well…guys…I'd better go." He said awkwardly.

"Where you going tonight, stud?" Collins asked.

He shrugged. "I spent all our money last night." He looked at Roger warily. "She'll understand."

"Oh, it was that kind of date." Maureen grinned.

"What kind of date?"

"A spend all your money kind of date. You know if you stay around here the action is cheaper. Jesus Mark, the internet is the lazy way to do it."

Roger laughed, a little too loud. Mimi clapped a hand over his mouth.

"That's not funny." Mark said fiercely. "She's not like that!"

Maureen was still laughing. "Whatever, Marky, have fun, okay."

"Maureen..." 

"Just go, man. She's only playing with you." Collins said, shoving him towards the door. "I hope it goes well." 

Mark left, still glaring at Maureen. Mimi waited until he had left before she allowed herself to laugh.

"Maureen, you shit, that was too funny."

"I couldn't resist." She said quietly, her smile gone. 

* * *

Mark was a few minutes early. It was freezing outside. He was more nervous today, without any money. She obviously had expensive tastes. But she was great…she wasn't shallow enough to judge him by his wallet. He smiled just thinking about her. 

"Hey Mark." 

"Hey." He kissed her cheek.

"So…what's the plan for tonight?" Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

"I uh…I had to bail my roommate out…"

"Roger or Mimi?"

"Both. They needed money for AZT. "

"And you gave them everything?"

"Yeah…sorry."

"Don't be, it's sweet. But you can't let them walk all over you forever." She kissed him on the cheek sweetly.

"I know." He felt a twinge of guilt. "But that doesn't mean we can't hang out. My friends are having a little party up in our loft, if you're interested, or we could…well…we could just walk."

"Where's your loft?"

"Avenue B."

"What kind of party? Would I get to meet the famous Mimi and Roger?"

"Yeah, if you want."

"Sure." She took his hand. "Lead the way."

* * *

"I'll make love to you, like you want me to, and I'll hold you tight baby all through the night" Collins sang, spinning in slow circles on the table.

Mimi and Joanne were laughing so much they couldn't breathe. Maureen had a small smile across her face, but she felt distant.

Roger was lying on his back on the table, completely smashed. "I'll maaake loooooove…" he sang over Collins. Mimi screamed with laughter.

"Where's Mark when you need him? I wish we had this on film." Joanne laughed.

"He didn't take his camera out, it'll be in his room." Mimi said, laughing.

"I'll get it." Maureen said. She let herself in Mark's room. He still kept his camera in the same place… Well, why wouldn't he?

"And I'll hooooold youuuu tight" Roger was singing.

"And I will not let go till you tell me to." They sang in unison.

"Are you singing at each other?" Joanne shrieked with laughter as Collins pulled Roger to his feet.

Maureen switched the camera on and pointed at them through the door, but she wasn't watching. Her attention had been grabbed by a notebook lying on Mark's bed. His handwriting covered the pages. His journal.

Still aiming the camera at Roger and Collins, who were now both spinning and singing, she bent her head to read Mark's chicken scratch. The word 'Sarah' came up an extraordinary number of times. He was like a lovestruck teenager. She flipped backwards a few pages, and Mark had written almost exactly the same things, only instead of 'Sarah' it read 'Maureen'. She sighed wistfully.

She focused her attention back on Roger and Collins, who had moved onto "In the Still of the Nite", their voices blending in what was surprisingly (considering their drunkenness) a pleasant harmony.

"Here, Meems." She handed the camera to Mimi. "I've got a headache, can we go?" She asked Joanne.

"Honeybear, I don't want to miss this."

"Mimi's filming it now."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine after an early night."

"Okay, baby." She kissed her. "Meems, we're going home, but make sure you get all of this on film, okay."

"Don't go!"

"I've got a headache, honey." Maureen said quietly.

Mimi pouted sadly. "Okay. I hope you feel better."

"I'll be fine." She gave her a hug, careful to avoid the camera. "Look after yourself."

"Of course." Mimi grinned.

"See ya, guys." Maureen yelled, but they were too busy singing to each other to notice.

"Maybe I drank too much." Maureen said to Joanne as the door closed behind them.

Joanne raised an eyebrow.

"That's not a flattering look, Pookie."

"You can't stand not being the centre of attention, can you?" She grinned.

Maureen shrugged. "I just want to go home. I'll make it worth your while."

"So much for your headache. "

"Sex is good for headaches."

"Mmm-hmmm." Joanne grinned

As they came down the stairs onto the street Maureen caught sight of two figures walking along the other side of the road.

"Is that…Mark?" Joanne asked.

"Oh shit." Maureen said. "Come on." She grabbed Joanne's hand and pulled her around the side of the building.

"So uh…this is my place." Mark said.

"It's nice." She said brightly. "Are you going to invite me in?"

"Sure." They went inside.

"Honey, what was that?"

"I just didn't want to face him."

"Why?"

"I feel bad about what I said before."

"Did you _see_ her? How did Mark get a girl like that?"

"Hey…helloo… I'm his ex."

"I know, but you liked that you were in a different league to him." Joanne grinned.

"I don't like her." Maureen said. "'It's nice…'" She mimicked. "Is she blind? This place is a dump. She must have really low self esteem or something."

"Like you did when you dated him?" Joanne laughed sarcastically. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you were jealous."

"As if. Come on lets go home."

* * *

"Some party." Sarah laughed as they heard the noises from inside.

"That sounds like Collins and Roger." Mark said, a little confused.

"It sounds like Boyz II Men!" Sarah said, her eyes wide.

"Yeah…um…I think they're probably really drunk." He said cautiously. "I mean…if you want to do this another time."

"No, don't be silly, it'll be fun."

"Okay…don't say I didn't warn you." He hesitated. "My ex is here."

"Your ex?"

"Yeah…we couldn't really have a party without inviting her. But she's here with her…with her girlfriend, so it won't be weird."

Sarah's eyes widened further. "That _sounds_ weird."

"Well…I'm over her. And she's obviously over me…so…we're still friends."

"Okay…" She said unsurely.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah...if you are."

He kissed her and opened the door slowly.

"Mark!?" Mimi grinned. "I'm borrowing your camera. Oh my God is this your date!?" She squealed as Collins almost stepped onto her hand.

"My camera…uh…what's going on? Where's Maureen"

Roger and Collins didn't even seem to have noticed he was back.

Mimi shrugged. "Mo and Jo went home!" She followed Mark's eyes to Roger and Collins. "They drank too much I guess." She pulled on Roger's pant leg. "Roger!"

"What?" He stopped spinning, stumbled and fell off the table onto Mimi. Mimi screamed.

"Sorry." Mark said to his date, who had a look of fear on her face.

"Roger you're fucking crushing me. Owww!" Mimi screamed.

"Mimi…where are you?"

"Under your ass!"

"Oh…" He rolled over.

Collins stepped down off the table, a little wobbly. "Tom Collins." He held out his hand to Sarah, who shook it timidly.

"Mark really likes you, so treat him right, okay?" Collins said seriously.

"Okay…" She said fearfully.

"You broke my fucking leg!" Mimi was screaming, pounding on Roger with her fists as he rolled off her.

"I broke his fucking camera." Roger laughed, holding it up.

"What? No!" Mark screamed, running over to them.

Mimi inspected it. "No, it's not broken. But you have a nice shot of what it's like to have Roger's ass fall on you."

"Give it here." Mark snatched it from her, touching it gently.

"Gotta warn you, you'll never be number one in his life, not whilst he has his camera to love." Collins said to Sarah.

"Um…right…" She said awkwardly.

Roger looked at her like she was just coming into focus. His mouth fell open.

"_That's_ your date?!" He asked. "Mark how did you...?"

"He's really not normally this rude." Mark said quietly.

"Are you sure Maureen wasn't right?" Roger added loudly. "I mean you must have-"

Mimi slapped his arm. "_Roger_!"

Roger shook his head in disbelief. "I just…"

"Come on, Rog. It was nice to meet you." She said shoving Roger into the bedroom.

"Fuck, man, I've got papers to grade. Damn I should _not_ have drunk so much." Collins said, stumbling into his bedroom.

"He's a teacher?!"

"Worse. A professor."

"Really?!"

"Yeah…"

"He seems…nice. So…what do you want to do?"

"I dunno." He hesitated. Of course he knew. "The party didn't really last long."

"No…I wanted to meet your ex."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I wanted to see if I'm really you're type."

"Oh…you're nothing like her. But that's a good thing. She kind of…messed me about a lot."

"And now she's a lesbian?"

Mark sighed. "Yeah. To be honest she's just an attention seeker." He felt guilty again. He knew she really loved Joanne and she wasn't just going through a phase, but it was so embarrassing to admit…losing a girlfriend to a woman was never going to be a selling point in a relationship.

"She sounds like a piece of work." Sarah said, touching his hand sympathetically.

"She can be."

"I would never treat a guy like that."

"I know."

"Come on." She took his hand and pulled him into his own bedroom.

* * *

"Roger." 

"Mimi."

"Listen to me."

"What?"

"I know her from somewhere."

"What?"

"Mark's date. I know her from somewhere."

"How did he get a girl like her?"

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, baby, I know."

"Roger, I know her."

"She's nice. I didn't know she would be like that."

Mimi sighed. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, baby. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Roger rolled over and it was a remarkable few seconds before he had fallen asleep. Mimi sighed. Maybe she was more drunk than she realised. She went to get a glass of water. She could hear Mark and his date in his room… sex _already_. She sighed. She recognised her, but the girl she knew wasn't called Sarah, she was called…what?...something else…she couldn't remember. Maybe she was wrong, but she felt so sure.

Massaging her headache away, she went back into her bedroom and snuggled close to Roger, hoping she would get some sleep.


	11. Cookie Cutter vs Mark's Hooker

**I know I'm updating really fast I'm just so impatient.**

* * *

"Hey guys." Collins said, as Mimi pushed Roger out of the bedroom early the next morning. 

"Hey. Early class?" Mimi asked.

"Yeah…sucks. It's the crack of dawn, why are you up?"

"She woke me up." Roger groaned. "Bitch."

"You couldn't sleep?" Collins asked sympathetically.

Mimi sighed. "I waited as long as I could before I woke him."

"Coffee?"

"Bucket." Roger groaned again

"Don't you dare throw up, Roger Davis."

"A bucket of coffee."

"Ohh." She giggled. "I need to talk to you."

"Coffee now, talk later." Roger slammed his head down on the table.

"What's up." Collins asked, grinning.

"I know that girl. At least I think I do."

"Mark's date?"

"Yeah. She's…or she was…" She dropped her voice down to a whisper "an escort."

Roger raised his head. "A hooker?"

"No- an escort. Guys pay her to go on dates."

"Maureen was right." Roger said, his mouth open.

"I'm not saying that…she might not do that anymore…but I swear to God it's her…or her twin. Only when I knew her she was called something else…but I don't remember."

Collins pulled a face. "So you think Mark paid her?"

"I dunno…I mean, even escorts are allowed real dates. Do you think we should tell him?"

"Maybe. If she's dating other guys too he deserves to know." Collins said. "Maybe he already knows…I mean, if I was in his boat I wouldn't tell us about it either."

"Maybe."

"I knew something stank about this." Roger said.

"I want this to work out for him."

"I'll tell him later." Roger offered.

"I'll tell him." Collins said firmly. "You'll only make it worse."

Roger shrugged. "Why did you guys let me drink so damn much?"

Mimi grinned. "Do you remember last night?"

Roger shrugged.

"I'll refresh your memory later." She smiled. Mark shuffled into the living room, a little bleary eyed. "Or now." She added with a grin.

"Where's your date, playa?" Collins asked.

"She went home." Mark said, pouring himself a coffee and sitting down. He noticed the way they were staring. "She had to go to work."

"Did we scare her?" Mimi asked.

"Uh…a little. She likes you guys, though."

"Can we play back what we filmed last night?" Mimi asked.

"Oh…oh yeah." Mark laughed. "What the hell were you thinking?" He added to Roger.

"What?" Roger asked looking worried.

"You'll see." She grinned.

Mark returned a few seconds later and plugged the camera into his projector, aiming it at the wall. A shaky image of Roger and Collins on the table came into focus before the sound kicked in.

Roger looked horrified. "What were we _doing_?"

"Singing Boyz II Men." Mimi laughed. "To each other apparently."

Collins was laughing heartily but Roger looked horrified. "Oh shit."

"It was great bringing my date home to this." Mark said.

The camera moved closer to Mimi, and then she took hold of it. It shook a lot more as she laughed whilst she was filming.

"Man, we sound _good_." Collins laughed. "Hey maybe I should join your band."

"No one can ever find out about this." Roger said seriously, crossing to the projector and turning it off.

"No, Roger, you're missing the best bit." Mimi squealed, running to turn it back on. He pulled her away but she managed to press the button just in time. Roger reached back to turn it off, but Mimi pushed him back. He could have pushed her away easily, but she held her fingers like claws and he knew if she scratched him he would bleed for a week. Her nails were lethal.

"Just watch." She laughed.

Roger saw Mimi's hand reach to his pant leg and then a close up of his ass getting bigger, as Mimi's scream rang out.

"What is that?"

"You fell on me." Mimi laughed.

Roger pulled a face. "I'm never going to forgive you guys."

"Hey, you nearly killed me." Mimi said. "You should be grateful I forgive you."

He grinned, despite himself. "Burn it, Mark."

Mark shook his head. "I've got blackmail material for a good few years here, it's priceless."

Roger groaned, going back to his coffee.

"So, Mark, when are you seeing her again?" Collin asked.

"Tonight."

"Three nights in a row?" Roger said.

"Yeah. I mean…she's great."

"So we heard." Collins laughed.

Mark blushed a little. "Sorry."

Collins shrugged. "It's good to see you happy, man."

"What did you think of her?"

There was an awkward silence. "She's nice." Mimi said. "Really pretty."

Roger laughed. "Yeah who knew?"

"I knew she'd surprise you." Mark said, a little smugly. "You thought she was a dude."

"Yeah…I was wrong." Roger snorted, finding it difficult not to laugh out loud.

"What?" Mark said, noticing the tension. Mimi bit her lip. "What?" He demanded. "Tell me."

"Roger, come on." Mimi said, pulling on his arm.

He groaned. She lifted his coffee off the table and waved it in front of him, dancing her way into the bedroom. He followed, wearily.

"She has him so well trained."

"What's up, Collins, why are you all laughing at me?" Mark said seriously.

"What does she do, your date?"

"She's a secretary."

"A secretary? Where?"

"Some law firm." His brow furrowed.

"How long has she been a secretary for?"

"I dunno...why? What's going on?"

"Don't freak out, okay? Mimi is pretty convinced that she has met your girl before when she was working as an escort."

"Mimi?"

"No."

"Sarah? An escort?" He shook his head.

"You sure?"

"I didn't pay her to go out with me, Collins."

"Maybe not…but are you sure that isn't her job?"

"She wouldn't lie to me. Mimi was really drunk last night, maybe she got her confused with someone else."

"Maybe. Just a heads up, okay?" Collins muttered, knowing Mimi wasn't _that_ drunk.

"I can't believe you guys think I would have to resort to paying a girl to date me! I thought Maureen was kidding, even if it was a really fucking shitty, pathetic joke, but if that's what you all think…" He was more hurt than angry.

"Calm down, man. No one is saying you paid her, I'm just saying maybe she hasn't been honest with you."

"She wouldn't lie to me."

"Okay. As long as you're sure. We just thought you should know."

"Mimi's wrong."

Collins shrugged. "Okay. We all want this to work out for you."

"Because you pity me. Roger would love nothing more than if this all went wrong."

"He wants you to be happy."

Mark shrugged. "I'll believe that when I see it."

"Stop being so negative, Cohen."

He sighed, crossing the room to his camera and unplugging it from the projector. "I'm going out for a bit. See if I can find some inspiration in this stupid city."

Collins sighed as he closed the door a little aggressively behind him.

* * *

**Later that night.**

"Wanna go out?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Why not?" Roger grinned.

"We haven't been out in so long."

"I know."

"What about money?"

"Shit. I forgot."

"I'm just happy you would even consider it. A week ago you didn't even like me getting out of bed."

"I'm so fucking bored." Roger groaned. "I'm actually looking forward to going to work on Friday."

"Oh thanks… Imagine how I feel with you locking me up in here every day."

"Sorry."

"What do you want to do instead?"

"I was going to take you to dinner, but since we're out of cash how about I cook for you."

Mimi shook her head. "I'll cook for you."

"You don't cook!"

"I can do cookies." She laughed, smacking his head lightly. "Ye of little faith, what would you make?"

He shrugged. "Toast."

"I win!" Mimi laughed.

"What kind of cookies?" Roger asked, as Mimi put on an apron. "You look like a little girl pretending to play housewife."

Mimi opened her mouth in shock as if she was offended. She pulled up the hem of the apron a little higher so that she was showing a lot of leg, and let her hair down.

"Now?" She asked.

"Well…you could look a little less housewifey if you…" His fingers found the edge of her sweater and he began to pull it over her head.

"Roger…Collins is in the other room."

"So. You'll have the apron on. Come on Meems, we won't do anything."

"It's cold."

"Not if you're slaving away over a hot oven." He pulled it a little further up.

"Roger…" she protested, but she was giggling so he continued. He pulled her sweater over her head, leaving her in just a skirt and bra underneath the apron.

"Nothing at all housewifely about you now. Well not unless you were at the Cat Scratch and you had some housewife theme…"

"You can dream…"

He grinned. "So bake, woman."

"Roger, I know you're kidding so I won't punish you- this time, but if Joanne _e_ever heard you speak like that you'd being singing castrato at work on Friday."

Roger laughed. "Yeah but seriously, Meems, I'm starving."

"Okay, okay…impatient." She opened the fridge and took out some eggs. "Wash your hands, Roger, you can help me."

He washed his hand obediently and they set about cooking. Collins came out of his room after a while and sat down at the table.

"Smells good." He muttered, scrunching up his face in a confused way.

"What's up?" Mimi asked.

"Uh…four hours of philosophy takes you out of the real world. Shouldn't you…be wearing clothes, or something."

"Roger won't let me."

"Oh…" Collins took a drag on his joint. "And back in the real world again."

"You know you've got a problem when the real world is the one where you're stoned." Roger said.

Mark bustled in quickly and sniffed at the aroma.

"Cookies and pot." Mimi said, to answer his confused look. "Not together…though that could be fun."

Mark's eyes widened as Mimi turned back to open the oven.

"Roger won't let her wear clothes." Collins said.

Roger sighed. "It doesn't matter. You're queer" He pointed to Collins. "And you've got your own girlfriend." He pointed to Mark. "If she is…"

"She is." Mark said firmly. "And I saw you staring at her last night, even though you've got _your own_ girlfriend."

"Who is right here in this room." Mimi said quietly with a patronising smile. "Cookies are ready." She held the tray out, wearing thick oven gloves. Roger reached to take a cookie and pulled back as it burnt him.

"Patience is a virtue." Mimi laughed, setting the tray down on the table.

Collins took one from the tray and took a bite. "Asbestos hands." He grinned.

Roger scowled, taking one gingerly in his hands and blowing on it.

"These are good, Mimi." Collins said with his mouth full. "I didn't know you could do that."

Mimi shrugged. "Anything tastes good when you're high."

"No, Mimi , these are really awesome." Roger said, taking a bite. "Mama Marquez's secret recipe?"

"You got me." Mimi laughed.

"Meems, you should capitalise on this, sell them… man, I'd buy them." Collins said, inhaling another.

Mimi pulled a face. "Then I'd really be like Roger's old lady housewife."

"Mark, aren't they good?" Collins said, slapping him on the back so he almost choked.

"They're alright." Mark muttered.

"Cheer up, man. You've got a date later to keep you happy." Collins said.

Mimi shuffled uncomfortably as Mark's hostile gaze met her eyes.

"Yeah I have." He said quietly, drifting into his room.

Mimi bit her lip awkwardly. "He's mad at me."

"It's not your fault." Roger said defensively. "Whatever, if he can't get a girl who isn't going to spend all her time focused on other guys then he…"

"Shut up, Roger!" Mimi snapped.

"What? Meems…"

Mimi sighed angrily and went into her room, slamming the door.

"What?" Roger asked, wide eyed.

"I dunno." Collins shrugged. "The stripping industry and the escort industry aren't so far removed, maybe you hurt her."

Roger groaned. "I'm always walking on egg shells around her, it's driving me crazy."

"Try being a little more sensitive, a little less asshole."

"She should try being a little less sensitive, and a little more Mimi."

"She is Mimi."

Roger shrugged. "You know what I mean."

"Talk to her."

"Again." He sighed.

"It takes time, Roger…"

"Yeah I know. I liked it better when she was telling me to live no day but today, instead of telling me to give her time."

"Just talk to her."

Roger sighed and followed her into the bedroom. She was pulling on a sweater.

"I'm sorry."

"Fine."

"No, baby, I am. I'm an asshole."

"Okay."

She took off her skirt. He stared, and he couldn't help himself. She pulled on a pair of old sweatpants she normally wore to bed.

"Are you going to bed?"

"Yeah, I didn't sleep last night."

"Sorry."

"Not your fault."

"I know but I crashed out."

She had climbed into bed and was pulling the sheets around herself.

"I should have stayed up."

"It's okay." She turned away from him and lay on her side, facing the wall.

"Mimi…"

She said nothing. He climbed into the bed next to her and wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling kisses into her neck.

"You're going to sleep now?" She asked.

"If you do. Mimi, I'm sorry, don't be mad."

"I'm not." She rolled around to face him, pressing her body closer to him beneath. Her arms to snaked around his neck, and he wrapped his arms around her waist. She pressed a soft kiss onto his neck and settled her head by him.

The kiss took his breath away. It was so hard to fight the urge to ravish her senseless. He felt her drifting off in his arms, and it gave him a soft satisfaction. Her sweet breath on his neck was so soft and peaceful he almost had the sense that they were happy. As his own body relaxed into sleep, he only had one night on his mind...

* * *

**MAJOR smut on the horizon.**


	12. Sexual Dreaming

**Sorry I took so long to update. I'm staying at my parents' house for a while (shudder) so it's harder for me to update. **

**Thanks to my lovely reviewers. And for those who asked my real life Mimi is a little healthier now (she has a rather excellent boy to look after her thank God and he's a lot nicer than Roger)**

**Smut here...flashback smut, so you still get the sexual tension for a while but things really start to kick off from here...it's a dramatic night.**

**

* * *

**

**Flashback - January 2nd 1996**

Angel had taken Mimi shopping to take her mind off Roger and his jealous accusations, but Mimi was distracted by the dealer she saw hanging around the corner near the Cat Scratch Club. Angel had dragged Collins along, and he was getting impatient to go home.

"Come on, Meems." She said. "Forget Roger. If he believed Benny that's his problem. He's missing out."

Mimi smiled gratefully, but made her excuses about having a headache. Angel knew she was lying. Angel always knew everything…but she never stopped her. Sometimes Mimi wished she would do something, but Angel never did. It wasn't until Mimi had got clean of her own accord that she understood why Angel didn't do anything. Withdrawal was a punishment you could only inflict on yourself for it to make any difference.

When she got home she could hear Roger playing guitar in the loft above her. Even his guitar sounded jealous and angry. The ceiling creaked above her under the footsteps of Mark and Roger. It was funnyhow she had never really noticed it until she knew them.

Roger's guitar was telling her to stop, even though he couldn't see her. She slipped the heroin into her pocket. The guitar stopped. She smiled, knowing it was all coincidence but preferring to believe it was fate.

There was a knock at the door.

"It's me." Roger called.

She opened the door.

"Mimi…I…" He looked at her helplessly. "I'm sorry. I'm jealous. I get jealous. Benny knows that, he knows how to really..I'm sorry."

"You still believed him over me."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"I like you, Mimi. A lot."

She wanted to tell him to leave her alone, but she couldn't have meant it even if she tried, so instead she left him standing in the doorway and sat on the sofa. He followed. He was serious.

"Meems…"

"I'm not apologising for something I didn't do, Roger."

"I'm not asking you to."

He kneeled opposite her, taking her hands in his. "What are you asking, then?" Mimi said, not meeting his eye.

"I'm asking you to forgive me. Total trust from now on, okay?"

"So you're just assuming that there will be a now on?" She demanded, standing up and brushing his hands off her.

"Mimi, I'm sorry…I…" He stopped when he saw the grin on her face.

"Beg me, Roger." She grinned.

"Beg you?" He was grinning now. "How do I do that?"

She pushed him lightly and he fell to his knees obediently. They'd only known each other little over a week and already he felt they had been together so much longer. His hands went to the waistband of her skirt. He found a zip and pulled at it, her skirt falling to the floor. His fingers reached back to her and he cupped her ass in his hands, allowing his fingers to slide into her underwear.

"I've waited for this too long."

"Not long enough." She whispered, jumping playfully on the couch. "Could you hand me my skirt, please."

He stood up, a look of confusion across his face.

"Why?"

"It has been an intense week but it's still only a week. And twenty minutes ago you thought I was cheating on you."

Roger gently touched her hand. "You want me," he whispered in her ear. "You know you do."

She couldn't hide the feeling his breath on her ear gave him. He saw it and he drank it.

"You think I'm a whore." She said, as the only answer she could think of.

Roger grinned and kissed her neck. Mimi couldn't help it, she let her head fall backwards, stretching her neck out.

He kissed her passionately. His hands gently touched her sides and around her ass. He pulled her closer. Roger grinned at her shallow breathing, encouraged at how much he could see she wanted him. She moved her hips against him as they kissed and just knowing how hard she found it to resist him made it even harder for him not to ravish her.

Roger's hands slid to her hips and he lifted the hem of her shirt. When she didn't protest he pulled it off her. God, she was perfect. She pulled him closer by his shirt and kissed him again, before lifting off his shirt. As they kissed he felt her nails press lightly into his back. He kissed her neck again. Mimi took a deep breath and began to unfasten his jeans. He slid his hands along her back and unfastened her bra skilfully, nudging it off her shoulders onto the floor. She pressed her hand against the waistband of his boxers, sliding her hand down to his upper thigh.

Roger groaned and slipped his hand inside her underwear.

"Roger, please," she begged.

Roger lifted Mimi and they tumbled onto the bed as she kissed him fiercely. She continued to kiss even as they fell. Roger rolled them over so that he was on top of her. He stretched her arms out along the bed above her head, holding her there as he kissed a trail down her neck. Her chest was heaving underneath him. He let her go and pulled her panties down slowly.

He pressed his hand between her legs and she gasped. He moved his hand slowly and gently, nudging against her softly. Mimi groaned. Roger could hardly breathe. He held her writhing hips between his hands and slid his tongue against her.

"Rog-er." She moaned. Her hips were moving between his hands. She groaned again as he teased her spurred on by her uncontainable moans. When her breathing became more broken he kissed her softly and climbed over her body to kiss her neck.

"Please," she whispered.

He ignored her, lavishing kisses on her neck. She pushed him and rolled over straddling him and slowly dragging down his boxers. He groaned as he hands touched his thighs, dangerously close. He flipped them over again and leaned over, pushing her legs open with his knees. He kissed her as he entered her and immediately a moan slipped from his throat. She kissed him more fiercely, her fingernails slicing into his back.

The way she moved and rocked against him was unbearable. Her tightening muscles made it very hard for him to hold on. He felt her tighten, her body moving more fiercely and he knew she was there. He paused to watch her. God, it was epic and soft at the same time. Her moans melted into breaths. When she had finished she pressed a kiss against him and he began a slower rhythm, changing the angle to stimulate intense groans from her. He was buzzing deeply, struggling to hold on. The feelings she was giving him were almost unbearable pleasure. Every time she touched him his body almost exploded with bliss. Her moans stirred something deep within him that made it hard to hold on, but he clenched his jaw and furrowed his brow, desperate for this moment to last as long as possible.

The change in pace from their frenzied exploration of one another to this tenderness was perfect. Her chest was heaving, her hips rocking against him. He kissed her all over, but each time her hips moved towards him he was struck by the most intense feeling.

Her beautiful eyes were hazy with bliss, her breaths telling him she was close again. His body was straining to keep going. He slid his hands down to her thighs and she moaned as her body began to climax again.

He felt her orgasm cover him, her clenching muscles torturing him. With a final thrust he let go in the most intense climax he had ever felt.

He lowered himself onto her body with a groan. After a few seconds he kissed her again.

"Wow."

"Damn."

His body was still trembling….he had never…cared before. He had never wanted to make anyone feel like that before. He had cared about his reputation…but this was different. No one needed to know. And even now, even afterwards he still had this...feeling...or something...even now. It was something he couldn't understand and couldn't stop thinking about now it had started. Something in the pit of his stomach churned when he though about what April meant and what Mimi meant. There was something different about Mimi, and he hated to admit it, but it was something multidimensional, something deeper.

**End of flashback**

Mimi's fingernails sliced across his chest…"No…" She muttered.

Roger felt her foot pressing into his side, pushing him away.

"Please…"

Roger opened his eyes. "Mimi." He whispered. "You're dreaming."

"No…" Mimi groaned, pushing him away. "Please stop." She pushed him with her hands and her feet, squirming away from him.

"Meems…" He held her tightly and she fought against his arms.

"Please…please stop…" Her voice rose as she became more hysterical.

Her fist struck his chest hard and her feet continued to push and fight against him.

"Baby, wake up." Roger whispered, kissing her forehead but she shoved him roughly away. Her thrashing under the blankets became more fierce as she writhed against him.

"Stop it…stop it…please…" Mimi sobbed, pounding on his chest with her fists frantically. Roger caught hold of her wrists to stop her. She tried to pull free of him but he was much stronger than she was. He rolled over her to take better control of her, but she pushed her legs against him to prise him away.

"Stop…please stop…" She struggled against him.

"Mimi, wake up."

The door opened and Collins and Mark crept inside.

"Again?" Collins asked sympathetically.

Mark turned on the light, his grudge against Mimi apparently gone. Mimi continued to writhe under Roger, who was trying hard not to crush her. She let out a sob, entangled in blankets so that she could no longer fight.

"Meems, it's okay, you were dreaming." Roger whispered to her, stroking her face. She was limp in his arms now.

Her eyes fluttered open. She looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes. "I almost won." She said breathlessly.


	13. Hiding

**I think you all probably have this figured out what has happened but it starts to come clear now anyway. **

* * *

"What? Won what?" Roger asked frantically.

Mimi's shallow breathing continued as she fought to regain her composure. She closed her eyes again as if in pain.

"What happened?" Roger asked, touching her face again gently.

Mimi began to struggle again underneath him.

"Mimi wake up!" Roger pleaded.

"I _am_ awake. I'm all…caught up…it's really claustrophobic." The panic rose in her voice.

"Give her some space, Roger." Collins said.

Roger rolled over and helped her untangle herself from the sheets. "What did you mean when you said you were winning?" He asked.

Mimi looked at him for a few seconds. "I don't know." She said unconvincingly.

He pulled her into a hug, but Mark and Collins could see the distant expression on her face.

"I thought those dreams had stopped." Mark said awkwardly.

"Why would they? Why should I be allowed to ever sleep, ever?" She screamed in frustration. "What did you two just come in here to watch? That's great, as if it isn't embarrassing enough."

A big grin spread across Collins' face. "You're not embarrassed."

"Don't you laugh at me Thomas Collins!" She yelled.

Collins laughed anyway "What are you going to do about it?"

She pulled out of Roger's arms to hit Collins but broke off into a laugh. He wrapped her in a hug.

"I can't take you seriously when you're this pissed off." He grinned.

"Fuck off." Mimi growled playfully.

"You're so neurotic when you're angry." Mark laughed.

"I am not!" Mimi yelled. "You want me to hit you too?" She laughed.

"You are… you're neurotic and irrational and extreme."

"Meems are you going to try to get more sleep?" Roger said quietly.

"No, I don't think so." Her smile faded.

"I think you should."

"No thanks." She said coldly. The smile was gone from her face now.

There was an awkward silence.

"What time is it?" She asked finally.

"Quarter to one." Mark said.

"I didn't realise I slept so long." She drifted into the living room leaving the boys in the bedroom confused as to her mood swing.

Roger sighed and followed her. Collins and Mark watched him from the doorway of Roger's room.

"Meems." He touched her shoulder gently. She was looking out of the window onto the fire escape. "What have I done?" He whispered.

"Nothing." Mimi said without any emotion.

Roger sighed. He was starting to feel very frustrated. Mimi let out a frustrated breath and sat on the couch, curling her legs up underneath her. Roger saw her shiver, and his instinct was to warm her but he resisted.

"You really aren't going to sleep?"

"No." She said shortly.

"Fine." Roger said, going back into the bedroom and shutting the door, leaving Mark and Collins on the other side.

"Did we miss something? What the hell are you guys fighting about?" Collins asked, sitting down heavily next to her.

"We're not." Mimi said, shrugging.

"Mimi!"

She sighed aggressively and sprang off the couch, crossing to fridge to get something to drink.

"Mimi can't you sit still for five minutes, Goddamnit?"

"What are you yelling at me for?" She demanded. "I'm not fighting with Roger, even if you seem to want us to."

"Sit down." Collins said firmly pulling on her sweater so she fell back onto the sofa. He took the alcohol out of her hands and set it on the floor.

Mimi sighed again belligerently and folded her arms across her chest.

"What is up with you?" Collins demanded.

Mimi sprang up again to make for the bathroom, but Collins pulled her back.

"Oh no, sit down we are going to talk about this."

"I don't want to." She said.

Collins shook his head in disbelief. "I have never seen you like this."

"So?"

"So what the fuck are you playing at?"

"I'm not doing anything!"

"You are fucking impossible." He leaned back into his seat, sighing with frustration.

Mark was awkwardly lingering near Roger's door, he had barely moved. Mimi sat on the edge of her seat for a few moments. She realised Mark must have had his date and come home already. Did something go wrong because of what she had said? She felt a twinge of guilt.

She jumped up again from her seat. She needed to think.

"There you go again." Collins sighed.

Mimi rolled her eyes.

"When was the last time you ate anything, Mimi." Collins said suddenly.

Mimi stopped in her tracks. "I eat." She said firmly.

"Don't think I didn't notice every single bone in your body while you were baking cookies earlier."

Mimi shrugged. "I eat."

"You don't eat, you don't sleep, you never sit still. What the hell is going on with you?"

"Nothing!" She slammed the bathroom door behind her and sat on the toilet seat.

_There were hands running all over her body._

Who the fuck did Collins think he was?

_Someone pressing against her pinning her body to the ground._

Her own hands were a really strange colour in the bathroom light.

"_Be quiet, it will be over soon."_

Her nail polish was chipped. Instead of black she should paint them with Angel's leftover blue nail polish. What would happen to Angel's nails now? Would they chip? Did dead nails grow or would they stay the same forever?

_He breathed heavily onto her face as pain ripped through her._

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second before jumping up again from her place on the toilet seat. There was a window above the toilet, maybe she should climb out of it. She pushed it open as far as it would go, but it looked too small. The front door was all well and good but the window had a strange appeal.

She opened the doors to the cupboard underneath the sink and emptied it of all the old stuff Mark and Roger were too disgusting to throw away. Mark was such a hoarder. Roger was just lazy. She tugged on the old shelf and it came out. She slid it behind the back of the toilet and cleared the contents of the cupboard into the bin. They only had a bathroom bin because of her, it was kind of embarrassing.

Carefully she climbed into the cupboard and closed the door behind her. The dark felt nice. She squashed her palms against her forehead to force some of the pressure away.

Collins could fuck off; she could sit still all night.

* * *

Mark sat down finally when she had left the room.

"What do you think?" Collins said.

Mark raised his eyebrows. "I dunno." He shrugged.

"This is crazy." Collins sighed. "It's like she has a split personality."

"Maybe I'll talk to her."

Collins shrugged. "Good luck she'll manipulate the fuck out of you."

Mark knew Collins was frustrated but he felt that was a little harsh. They had all changed after Angel died, even Collins. Collins had a much shorter fuse now than he had before and he was fierce when he wanted to be. Roger had become so protective over Mimi he had no life of his own anymore. Maureen and Joanne lived in their own little cocoon; Mark assumed it was self-preservation of some kind. Mimi was behaving so unpredictably and she still looked so sick…sometimes Mark just wanted to fast forward the next few months like a film just so he could know for sure if she would ever fully recover. April had gone quickly, but Angel had really suffered in the slow decline of his body. It made sense to him that Maureen and Joanne would want to distance themselves so they never had to see it again. Mark was torn between obsession and terror. Mimi, Roger and Collins were all going to go through the same slow fate. He didn't want to watch but he couldn't tear himself away.

Now Mimi was a little girl acting out and needing them all and no one really knew what to do. She didn't want protection but she obviously needed it. She didn't want to grow up but she was by her own admittance older than her years. She didn't want to seem weak but the longer she refused their help the more frail she became. Collins was frustrated that she wouldn't let him help, that she only spoke in riddles whenever anyone asked her how she was, and that she was hiding things from them all. Mimi claimed total honesty but the reality was that she was making a lot of excuses and she had never been a particularly good liar. Collins could handle her behaviour and he could understand if she needed to fall apart but he could not deal with being lied to.

Mark traipsed to the bathroom and knocked gently. Collins sighed in protest as he stood up, but he ignored him.

"Mimi?"

Mimi scrunched her face up, closing her eyes tighter.

"Meems?"

No answer.

"Mimi I'm coming in."

Shit. She hadn't locked the door. She heard it open Mark soft footsteps.

"Mimi? Meems?! Shit! Collins, she's gone?"

Collins mumbled something from the living room. She heard his heavy footfalls coming to the bathroom. He was in no hurry, she noticed.

"What are you talking about, Mark?"

Mimi grinned. She couldn't help herself.

"The window's open."

"You're telling me you think she climbed out of the bathroom window?" She could hear the humour is his voice.

"Well where is she then?"

Collins peered through the window. "Damn."

"I'm going to wake Roger, we need to look for her."

"No, don't wake him." Collins said. "He needs all the sleep he can get." He shook his head. "I can't believe she would do this to us."

"She's been through it, Collins, so she's dealing with it badly, we all need to give her a break."

Collins said nothing. It struck Mimi as strange.

"Are you coming with me?" Mark asked.

She heard Collins sigh. "I guess I have no choice."

Mimi heard them leave the bathroom. A minute later she heard the front door open and close. She shivered. She felt younger than she had ever been before. There was no freedom and too many things to think about. And when she was a kid at least she didn't have to think. And when she was a kid...oh fuck...she had Angel.

* * *

**She's not insane I promise. It will get better soon I swear.**


	14. Sexual Healing

**BIG BIG chapter.  
****And there's sex! But it isn't smut. It's serious sex (if that even exists). Thank you to my reviewers.**

**I know this chapter is confusing. But poor Mimi is confused.**

* * *

"Collins?" Roger's voice. 

Mimi's eyes snapped open. She must have fallen asleep, her face was hot where her it had rested on her hands.

"Mimi…Mark?"

She heard Roger shuffling through the living room. "Mimi?"

Footsteps getting closer. He opened the door to the bathroom, closed it behind him. She heard the toilet seat bang as it hit the cistern and the sound of Roger peeing. And humming. Mimi smiled.

Footsteps again and the door opened as Roger started to leave.

"Wash your hands!" Mimi squealed in disgust.

"What?" Roger grunted.

"Wash your hands you disgusting, filthridden pig!"

"Who is it?" Roger asked gingerly.

"Who do you think?"

"Mimi? Where are you?"

"Invisible."

Roger opened the cupboard door and bent to look inside. "What are you doing in there?"

"I fell asleep."

"And that explains it?" He frowned and held out a hand to pull her out.

"I'm not touching you until you wash your hands."

She caught sight of a flash of his teeth as he grinned and returned upright, turning the taps on and washing his hands. Mimi looked fearfully at the creaking pipes an inch above her head as the water rushed through them and crawled out of the cupboard.

"Roger?"

"Yeah?" He was half laughing, half unsure at what she would say.

"You reckon you could fight Collins?"

"Fight him?"

"Yeah, if you needed to could you fight him? I mean, you're younger and probably stronger but he's taller and heavier and so I can't call it."

Roger laughed, confused. "Why do you need to call it?"

"Well I know you could easily fight Mark."

"Why does it matter?"

"Just in case he ever went crazy I want to know you could protect me."

"I'd fight off a few Collinses for you."

"Good."

"Are you high?"

"No. Only hypothetical."

He laughed. "Look I'm clean." He showed his hands to her. She smiled and took his hand.

"How often do you not wash, Roger?"

"Uhh…I was worried about where everyone was, it just slipped my mind."

Mimi smirked sceptically. "You're such a boy."

Roger shrugged. "So where is everyone?"

"I dunno." Mimi lied.

"I'm fucking starving." Roger grumbled, pulling her by the hand into the kitchen. "We didn't have dinner. Have you eaten dinner since?"

Mimi shrugged. "If they're mad when they come back will you rescue me?"

"Are you being hypothetical again?"

She grinned. "I feel better now."

"Good. I do too now. I hope it lasts."

"Me too."

Roger was hunting in the refrigerator with one hand, holding onto Mimi with the other. Mimi felt a little sick, some milk had spilled in the fridge and no one had bothered to clean it up and it was drying up and it had probably been there for days and now it was all she could think about.

"Just eat my cookies." She urged, removing her hand from his and turning away.

"I forgot about them." He grinned. The excitement in his eyes over cookies made her smile. "They are so good."

"I'm glad you like them."

He took the milk out of the fridge and poured two glasses, pushing one towards Mimi.

"I don't want any."

"They're so good. Did Mark make dinner?"

"I dunno."

"You didn't have lunch either." Roger muttered. "You feeling alright?"

"Fine. Good." She grinned.

He held out a cookie to her. "You won't regret it."

"No thanks."

"You're so fucking scrawny Meems."

Was that a compliment?

"Don't forget to brush your teeth." Mimi muttered. "I bet you don't do that as well as not washing your hands. Pig."

Roger opened his mouth to retort, but the front door opened and Collins and Mark came in.

"Mimi where the hell were you?!" Collins demanded.

Mimi slinked carefully behind Roger for protection.

"Don't ever do that again!" Mark yelled. "You scared the life out of us."

"What?" Roger asked. "Where were you?"

"Looking for your girlfriend, who thought it would be funny to climb out of the bathroom window and go AWOL." Collins fumed.

Roger started to laugh. "Is this why you were asking if I could fight Collins, Meems? She was in the bathroom cupboard."

Collins stared at her, open mouthed. "Why would you do that?"

"I was sitting still."

"We looked for you for ages. In the middle of the night." He laughed without meaning to. "Are you crazy or just really fucking cruel?"

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, man." Collins sat down heavily.

Roger started laughing again.

"Shut up, Roger, you would have gone crazy if you thought she'd climbed out of the bathroom window." Mark said defensively.

"Are _you_ crazy, that window is tiny?" Roger laughed. "You've lost it guys."

Collins shrugged and pulled Mimi out from behind Roger, hugging her. "Don't do it again. You scared us."

"I have to find a new hiding place now you all know about it. But for future reference I only run away when things are really fucking serious, like when the whole world falls apart. I don't make a habit of it." She said coldly. "It's interesting to know what you all think though."

"Don't you dare get mad again." Roger said. "Please."

"I'm going to sleep."

"Third time's a charm, Meems." Collins saluted her as she flipped him the bird and went into her bedroom.

"Is she kidding?" He asked once the door was closed.

"It's funny." Roger grinned, helping himself to another cookie.

Collins stared at Mimi's untouched milk. "Did you see her eat today?"

Roger closed his eyes to think. "Uh…I don't think so." He opened his eyes and Collins saw a look of uncertainty in them.

"She keeps skipping meals. Making excuses. It's no wonder she's getting no better."

"What are you saying?" Roger said, a little defensively.

"I'm not saying anything. I'm just pointing it out."

"Well don't."

"Fine."

"I'm going to bed." Roger said aggressively. "Goodnight."

"Jesus, is PMS contagious?" Collins groaned.

"I'm going to bed." Mark said quietly.

* * *

"Meems…?" Roger whispered. 

"What?"

"Are you okay."

"I feel weird."

He climbed into bed next to her. "How?"

"My body's all weird, I can feel my pulse all over."

"You're shaking." She was more than shaking, her body was almost convulsing.

"I'm freezing."

He pulled her body into is and wrapped her up to keep her warm.

"This isn't good, Mimi."

"I'm okay."

He rolled over and covered as much of her as he could with himself without crushing her. He stroked her face, kissing her forehead.

"Can we see a doctor tomorrow?"

"No."

"I really don't like this."

"I'm just cold."

"It's hot in here, Mimi. We've had the heat on for weeks non-stop. I'm hot. "

"Share your hotness with me then. You're hot because you have a lot of muscle. People with muscle are always hotter."

He kissed her again, gently, but she snaked her arm around his neck and kissed him back passionately. She kissed him so feverishly he felt something stir inside him. His pelvis was resting on hers gently…And then…oh shit, not now.

"I'm sorry." He groaned.

She looked up at him, her mouth in a firm line. "It's okay." Mimi whispered, but she turned her face away from him.

He rubbed his hands along her upper arms to keep her warm, kissing her jaw. He knew if she had the strength to pull her body out from under him she would. He tilted her chin so she looked him in the eye.

"I'm sorry." He repeated.

"It's okay." Her expression didn't change.

He kissed her mouth again, but she shoved his head away roughly.

"Don't!"

"I won't do anything, Mimi."

"I know…just…don't make it worse."

He couldn't help but smile. It couldn't get worse.

"Don't laugh at me." She said fiercely.

"I'm not. It's okay, Mimi, it's my problem, I'll deal with it."

He kissed her again. After a few seconds she began to return it. Her fingers teasing his neck was like torture... her soft lips. He stopped suddenly.

"It's okay." She whispered. He smiled again at her innocence. "No, I mean…it's okay." She repeated.

His smile faded. His eyes searched hers but this time she didn't look away.

"You're sure?"

"I am."

"Don't…not if you don't…"

"It's okay." That was not what he wanted to hear. "It's my problem."

"You have to want it too, Mimi."

"I want you to be happy."

"I am."

"No you're not. Not really. It's my fault, Roger, and I need to stop thinking like…like the way I do and it's my fault and I need to get over it. I want to get over it."

His heart was pounding. "Don't do anything you don't want to do."

"I won't lie to you…I really…I'm scared and…it needs to stop."

"When you're ready."

"I am."

He didn't move for a long time. "Why would you be scared?" He said finally.

"I dunno…" There was a silence. "It's control or lack of control and... I dunno. I don't feel strong anymore."

He almost understood. She pulled his head back down to hers into a tender kiss. She kissed him so softly and warmly he was taken in, drunk with it.

He snaked his way down her body finding the hem of her sweater and beginning to lift it off her until she stopped him.

"Not that it's too cold."

"Okay."

His fingers smoothed down to the waistband of her sweatpants and he removed them. She was wearing a pair of his boxers as shorts. He pulled them away too, and found her in her panties. She was so tense but she didn't tell him to stop. He removed her underwear slowly beginning to kiss her inner thighs, but she stopped him.

"Don't." She pulled him back towards her head.

For the first time he was sure she knew what she was doing. She wanted to get it over with. She didn't want to feel anything. She didn't want to let go and let herself be subject to any physical sensations she couldn't control.

"Baby, it's okay."

She shook her head. "Please, Roger, just..." .

He didn't like it, but there was nothing he could do. He kissed her "Can you…?" He nudged her thighs a little wider. "I can't…"

She closed her eyes as if she hated the way he touched her.

"This is really…"

"I know."

She looked miserable. Terrified. With each movement he made she scrunched her face as if he hurt he. He tried to take it slowly, but she kept urging him to keep going.

"Just go, Roger." She whispered.

"I don't want to hurt you."

She shook her head. She was already breathing quickly. He pushed into her with difficulty, and he could see it hurt her, but she didn't make a sound. He couldn't shake the feeling that she was sacrificing herself to him, and he was torturing her.

When he kissed her she kissed him back more fiercely than ever, and he began a rhythm, but she gave very little emotion away. He couldn't tell if she was feeling pain or pleasure. She was suppressing everything. All she wanted as to make him happy, what she didn't seem to understand was that more than anything he needed her to let to go, to understand that there was nothing weak about it.

Mimi's eyes went hazy, her breathing becoming more ragged. She was close, he could see. He knew her body so well he could read the signs, but she scrunched her face up and pushed the feeling back.

Roger was having a hard time holding on, but he knew he needed to keep going.

"Mimi."

"Mm?"

"Relax."

She said nothing.

"I mean it. You're so tense."

"I can't help it."

He kissed her neck warmly. She closed her eyes, but her body remained rigidly tight.

"I'm not doing this by halves."

"Roger, please…just…"

He nudged further into her gently, kissing her again. He could see she was holding everything in and if she would only relax she could…

"I'm not giving up until you enjoy it."

"Who says you get to decide?" She laughed breathlessly.

Roger gasped as she tensed her muscles around him. He almost came, but he gritted his teeth and held on.

"Mimi, please." He groaned. This was unbearable.

"I don't want to." She was close to tears.

"Why do you think it's weak? Let go. Why can't you do that? Why can't you…even for us?"

She didn't say anything, but he knew he had got to her. He kissed her again, and he could feel her melting, her breathing shallower and her face finally breaking the mask of control she had struggled to maintain for so long. She was letting him win.

He wanted to congratulate her when he felt her muscles climax around him. She was silent but she clutched him tightly and the movements of her body were unmistakable. He watched her, feeling a stronger warmth for her than ever before. He couldn't hold on any longer and leaned his head against her shoulder as he finished.

He looked at her, breathless, her expression unreadable. He rolled onto his side so that his weight didn't crush her, and pulled her onto him. She closed her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

Nothing.

"Mimi?" Nothing. "Do you think I'm weak too?"

She wriggled out of his arms and pulled on her sweatpants, leaving the bedroom and running into the bathroom. He followed her, dragging on his boxers quickly, but she closed the door in his face and he heard it lock.

"Mimi!"

"What?" She said bleakly. _Stop crying. Stop crying. It's not your virginity, it's just sex._

"Let me in."

"No!"

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that! It's not your fault."

"Did I…?" He hesitated. Mark's room was 3 feet away, he could probably hear every word. "Did I hurt you?" He whispered.

"Leave me alone, Roger."

"Mimi let me in right now or I'll break that fucking door down."

"Go away."

"Mimi…I mean it."

"I bet you do."

"Please…"

"FUCK. OFF."

"What now?" Collins asked wearily from his doorway.

Roger shrugged helplessly.

"Mimi!" Collins said wearily.

"Go away!"

"Save us some time here, Meems, should we break the door down or will you come out of your own accord sometime soon?"

There was no answer.

"Break it down." Roger said seriously. "She's really sick Collins. She was shaking like crazy. We need to break it down."

"Mimi do yourself a favour and stand away from the door."

No answer. He shrugged. Roger stepped back a few paces and ran at the door, crashing into it with his shoulder. There was a cracking noise but the door held up.

"Goddamnit, where's Angel when we need her? She was fucking doorbreaking pro." Collins groaned as he took a run at the door himself.

There was another cracking noise, and door flung open. They had broken the lock.

"Mimi?" Roger said. He couldn't see her, so he flung open the cupboard doors.

"Meems?!" She wasn't there.

Roger looked helplessly at Collins. Collins looked just as surprised as he did.

"Where is she?" Mark asked from the doorway. He looked sleepy, as if they had woken him. "What did you say to her?" He asked Roger.

"Mimi!" Roger yelled into the empty room.

"She's not here." Collins said simply.

They heard the front door open and Roger ran for it. She was there, shivering.

"What the hell, Mimi?" He wrapped her in his arms to keep her warm.

"I climbed through the window."

"You fit? Through that tiny little hole?"

She nodded. "I'm not fucking crazy I just needed to know if I could."

"Oh God, Mimi." He squeezed her tighter.

"Don't." She squirmed. "Claustrophobic."

"You sat in a cupboard for two hours, Mimi!" Mark said with amazement.

"That's different. I could think there, I can't think like this when you're all up in my space."

Collins was frowning, an unpleasant look on his face. "Go to bed, Mimi." He said quietly.

Mimi looked at him. He seemed disappointed. She understood, and she nodded but she still felt a little hurt. Roger tried to go after her, but Collins stopped him.

"We need to talk."

"She's cold, she needs me."

Collins shook his head. "Listen to me…"

"What did she mean when she said she was almost won?" Roger asked. "When she was dreaming?"

"I really don't like this." Mark said. "She's lost it."

"No she hasn't." Collins said seriously. "She has remembered something. She was coping okay before that dream and now…"

"We had sex." Roger muttered.

"You did?!" Mark said, his mouth open in surprise. "She changed her mind?"

"She really didn't want to." Roger said awkwardly. "She just…she wanted to get it over with, I think, like she thought it would make things better. I never should have…I should have figured it out."

There was an awkward silence. "And that's when she..?" Mark asked.

Roger nodded, suddenly really embarrassed for the first time in his life to be admitting sex.

The cogs in Collins' head were working overtime. He knew now what was wrong; he just didn't want to face the reality. He had to face it, it he couldn't let Mimi face it alone.

"You take my room tonight, Roger?" Collins asked. "I need to talk to her."

"Okay…but…what, what are you thinking?"

"I just have to talk to her." His head was spinning. He felt like all blood was draining from him.

He left Roger and Mark together, more freaked out than he liked but Mimi was his priority now. Mimi was sitting on the bed, the blankets bunched up around her, not moving.

"Who was it, baby?" He asked.

Mimi stared at the floor for a few seconds before she allowed her eyes to meet his.

"Some random junkie."

"And you're going to let him get away with it?"

He sat down next to her, putting an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close.

"I only just remembered."

"Meems."

"I'm okay."

"No you're not."

"I am…it's only sex."

"You don't believe that. You know there's more to it than that."

"Cavemen did it all the time. They just took who they wanted and it didn't matter to anyone and the word rape wasn't even invented."

"You dream about it though." Collins felt a twinge of pain. "Jesus, baby."

"Don't tell them. You haven't told them yet? Please don't tell them."

"I haven't. We need to tell them though, Meems."

"Don't." Her eyes widened in fear.

"Mimi…come on, they deserve to know."

"It'll break his heart." Her voice cracked. "I can't, I can't it's too embarrassing."

"Embarrassing?! Mimi…"

"It's weak."

"I'm not going to tell them, but you should. You can't deal with this or move on unless you face it properly. You need to talk to him."

"I just want to push it out again. I don't _care_, Collins, I really don't, I just don't want to think about it."

"And sitting in a cupboard helps?"

She laughed, as if she suddenly realised how stupid she seemed. "It felt like less pressure...or something. I don't know…like I could contain it all or at least stop it from…wafting around where I can't hold it long enough to sink it in. I sound crazy."

"No you don't…though you might need to convince Mark..."

"I feel better."

"So tell them…at least tell Roger."

"He isn't calm, he won't think like you."

"I'm not calm. Not at all."

There was a thoughtful silence.

"Do you never think how...Angel's dead." Mimi said suddenly, speaking quickly. "I can't make sense of it. I know she's not there. I'm not crazy. I know but it's really easy to forget. I still kind of expect her to be there in my life in ten years and I know she won't but I can't stomp it down completely. Like I have the clever and the irrational halves of my brain fighting all the time."

"I know." He gave her hand a squeeze.

"So how do you make it stop?"

"I don't know." He wanted to lie to her and say there was a cure, but he couldn't. "Mimi, it's okay to not feel strong all the time. It's when you freak out and none of us can figure out what the hell you're thinking we get scared. I can't believe you have had to go through all of this on your own."

Mimi sighed softly and rested her head against Collins' side.

"Do you think things will be better now that you know?" He asked her. "Do you think you can cope with it better, now you know what happened?"

"I don't want to have that dream again."

Collins groaned. "I can't believe this happened to you." He didn't know what he felt. Anger, fucking sadness, frustration...

"I don't care." She said simply. "I just want to forget it."

"You slept with Roger."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I thought if I just got it over with it would be easier the next time. Like it would break the cycle of bad thoughts."

"Did it?"

"What do you think?" She laughed. "I fucking _love_ him. I think he thinks I was punishing him...and I really wasn't. I just...need to stay in control of myself. I just don't want to be human for a while. I want to not have a body or need anything and just be in control. When I'm not it's kind of embarrassing, you know?"

He didn't. At all.

"I'm going to stay in here tonight." Collins said, placing a kiss on her temple. "Are you going to get some real sleep?"

"I'm really tired."

"I bet you are."

* * *

**Sorry about the length. It's because I'm crap at updating. Flashback in the next chapter (one of my favourites). **


	15. SuperCollins to the rescue

**Flashback October 27****th**** 1996**

Collins had lingered at the hospital as long as possible but there was no excuse he could make anymore. He had to go back to the apartment. He could still feel Angel on him as if the pressure of her hand on his hadn't quite died yet. Logically he knew it must have…it just didn't feel that way. But he wasn't thinking about that. He was thinking about Monty Python's "Philosophers' Drinking Song". Goddamnit he couldn't remember the words anymore.

"_Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table."_

He grinned, reminded he needed to stop at the liquor store. He didn't have much money on him but that was okay, he only had one person to pay for. He stopped dead in his tracks. A fellow pedestrian cursed at him as he blocked the sidewalk, but he couldn't help it. Just a momentary lapse. Maybe he would be mugged again tonight and be rescued by another Angel. Probably even in a city this big there could only be one. Anyway...

"_And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel."_

They had a special offer on Angel's favourite wine. It was cheap, nasty stuff but Collins was tempted anyway. He passed by it without thinking. Whiskey, beer, vodka. Whiskey, beer, vodka.

The clerk made a comment.

"I drink therefore I am." Collins laughed out loud. He wasn't drunk already, but it was a relief to pretend.

The clerk looked at him as if he was crazy. Collins knew he looked like a drunken, crazy bum, and probably smelled like one too but he didn't mind so much. Angel would, but he wasn't thinking about that.

He mooched home as slowly as possible. The hospital was full of death; it was in the atmosphere, the smell…the city felt different, like life. He had never noticed before. But that wasn't something he needed to think about.

He let himself in the apartment without switching on any lights. He reached for a bottle and opened it. Drinking in the dark was a game he Mimi and Angel used to play, it made every drink a surprise and being a wrecked a lot funnier. Angel fell over a lot when she was drunk, probably because of those damn heels. Angel's huge feet meant that Mimi had a massive shoe collection. Angel could never resist a good pair of shoes, and if she couldn't get them in her size she would buy them for Mimi instead.

Collins would need Mimi soon. They had to decide what to bury her in. Collins didn't have a clue. He didn't even know whether Angel should be a boy or a girl at her funeral.

He shouldn't think about it but he shouldn't _not_ think about it either. Thinking would make him break and he was starting to feel guilty. Angel was important enough to break for. He was damn well breaking every time she entered his head.

"_Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed."_

He put the liquor in the fridge. He couldn't think if he was drunk. Angel deserved his full attention right now. He was surprisingly calm, Angel had been sick for a really long time, and had been in the hospital for long enough for Collins to know she wasn't getting out.

It made no sense anymore. He couldn't imagine how Angel wouldn't be there anymore. They hadn't even known each other a year. Mark and Roger's bathtub was still a weird colour after April had died. He should call them. They needed to know. Not until morning. He needed this night himself.

Philosophy was bullshit tonight. There were no fucking answers and there was no fucking truth and he had no idea anymore about anything. There were uncountable theories on life after death; none of them were at all convincing and all of them were there to make death sound better.. Maybe the end was just it. If Angel was reincarnated he could only be an Angel. Even humans were beneath him.

The word 'human' made him think of Mimi again. She used that word so often and even though she acted as if she was kidding he knew she meant every word she said. "Humans are weak, humans die, humans aren't in control". It made him laugh, because Mimi pretended she was superhuman, but he knew she had been slowly spiralling out of control over the last few months. Maybe it was Roger's fault. Maybe it was Angel's slow decline. Maybe it was just inevitable. There was nothing more human than depending on the fruits of late night encounters in a dark alley, and Mimi had never been free of that vice.

Collins sometimes thought Angel was almost the complete opposite of Mimi. Roger laughed and said Angel was corny and an idealist but all Collins could see now was realism. Mimi might say 'no day but today' but she didn't mean it; not the way Angel did. Angel knew she was going to die and accepted the fragility of life and people. Mimi wouldn't accept death. Mimi said "no day but today" and meant it as a way of justifying her actions, her numerous relapses…Mimi thought it meant no consequences.

Angel knew they all had to live in the knowledge that they were going to die, whether today, tomorrow or in 60 years. Roger let death control his life completely, so much that he barely had a life. Mimi wanted to live a whole life everyday, and expected to wake up the next morning good as new. She didn't seem to understand that focusing all your energy into living was not the same thing as"no day but today". She didn't seem to understand that pure hedonism was not the same thing as living.

He was proud of Angel, really, really damn proud.

He let himself back out of the apartment and traipsed back down into the street and down to the Cat Scratch Club. It was getting late. He leaned against the wall in the alley and waited.

It didn't take long before Mimi got there, looking for a fix. She was already high on something…he didn't even want to guess.

"Mimi."

"Don't."

"Come on."

"No!"

He took her hand. She was freezing. He tried talking to her, but she clearly wasn't listening.

"The leaves are all falling off the trees." Mimi said finally. "Did you notice?"

"It's fall."

"Don't you think it's important? How like, they all lived and so now every one of them matters, even if they're just getting trampled over."

He knew exactly what she meant. "Mimi, come inside."

"I can't I'm waiting for someone."

"I know. That's why I'm here."

"Don't! Please. Don't start it. It doesn't make you feel better it just makes you feel _less_." She starting sobbing now, uncontrollably.

"I'm not here for that I'm here for you."

He had tried heroin before and he had puked his guts up. The feeling was good afterwards, but the exorcist style puking made him never try it again. Watching Roger, April and Mimi had made him very thankful of that decision. He had never told Roger. He had never told anyone. It felt so long ago.

She shook her head and swallowed a lump in her throat.

"You know if I live until I'm 80 my heart will only beat 3 billion times. That's not even enough heartbeats to dedicate one to everyone in the world. And I won't even live until I'm 80 anyway." She sounded frantic.

"It's okay, Meems."

She shook her head. "My heart is breaking. Isn't yours?"

"It is." He had started to cry now, on a street where anyone could see.

"Yours is, mine is…there are 6 billion of us in the world and we all have hearts and they all can break. It doesn't mean anything- it can't if we all can do it! How can it be possible?"

He wrapped her in his arms. Did he cry when April died? He didn't remember. It had all felt more inevitable than this, somehow, which didn't make sense because April had gone so quickly and Angel so slowly.

"Come on, Mimi."

Mimi had completely crumpled in his arms now so he lifted her gently. The loft was a lot closer, but he didn't want to see Roger. He hated Roger today. Roger had sulked constantly for two months and it was pathetic. Mark had started speaking in this voice, like a wistful, sympathetic narrator on a documentary even when he wasn't filming. It drove him mad. Mark wasn't a friend anymore he was just some third person, some neutral observer. The thought of going there tonight was too hard. He put Mimi over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and took him back to his apartment, sitting on the sofa with her.

"Does Roger know?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him."

"You've broken up again?"

"A few days ago. He hates me."

"He hates the smack."

"He doesn't know. Heroin is a metaphor for Benny."

"I don't understand."

"I go out, I score, I shoot up, I come home and he thinks I've been with Benny. And I could tell him the truth but I don't know which is worse. Heroin or Benny. Cheat with drugs or cheat with him. Well now he's right…I am with Benny."

"What?"

"Angel told me not to." She hesitated. "That was the last thing she said to me." Mimi wailed. "I did it anyway. Because I was angry. And then she was asleep every time I saw her afterwards and that was the last thing she said and I did it anyway. At least Benny is there. He's always there. Where the fuck is Angel now? Not here when I need her." She sounded angry now.

He said nothing. He couldn't think. Mimi rested her head on his shoulder. He wanted to call her selfish but he wasn't sure if he even believed it. She was young.

"You weren't here last Halloween." Mimi whispered. "But Angel loved Halloween. Always."

They hadn't even known each other a whole year and the world was ending. He was exhausted. She was falling apart. Too much time was passing. His eyes were closing.

Mimi jerked him back to attention when her weight shifted off his shoulder. He watched her shadowy figure creep into the bedroom. He followed her. She sat on his bed clutching the blankets close to her face.

"They smell like Angel."

Collins hadn't slept in that bed since Angel had gone into the hospital. Had even slept at all?

He wrapped them around her shivering body and sat down next to her. They would smell like Mimi by the morning, but that was okay, he supposed. She pressed her body close to his and pulled the blankets around him too. He wrapped his arms around her. She was falling asleep. He laid back onto the bed with her and closed his eyes. He was a little afraid that he would wake up and think she was Angel, even for a few seconds that would be unbearable, but she felt different in his arms and he knew they were safe.

**End of flashback.**

Mimi was falling asleep in his arms again. The thought of what happened to her made him feel ripped from the inside out, but as an explanation for her behaviour it was somehow comforting. She wasn't crazy, she was coping. She would be okay. She would get over it…

* * *

**I didn't know how people would react to the last chapter but I'm grateful for the good reviews.**

**If you don't know the "Philosopher's Drinking Song" you should look it up. It's very funny (but I'm a philosophy geek).**

**A lot of the dialogue in this chapter really happened. I promise things will cheer up from now on. There's a new feline of Avenue B arriving in the next chapter and somebody doesn't like it.**


	16. Meowface

**GOD I HATE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS. Blame them. They are the reason I have not updated so long. Stupid bloody pissing parents' house and their stupid ridiculous shite internet.**

**Anywayyy...happy chapter. For Mimi anyway... Not so much Mark.  
**

* * *

Mimi woke up early the next morning feeling warm in Collins' arms. She crept out of the room quietly and into the living room. It was very early, but she felt better for having slept even a little. 

She started to make herself a coffee, but she remembered the spilled milk in the fridge and started to feel sick again. She opened the refrigerator and cleaned up the old milk.

She was dreading the boys waking up. She had a feeling Collins would want her to talk to Roger…maybe even Mark. She knew that she should and… it didn't hurt anymore, it was more an embarrassment. She felt weak and pathetic and humiliated. Roger deserved an explanation she supposed, but she knew what his reaction would be and it would not help her to forget it. Mark thought she was crazy. When he woke up there would be a lot of awkward shuffling and mumbling. And somehow…Roger…she felt embarrassed just thinking about him after last night.

She opened the window and climbed out onto the fire escape. It was freezing, but she needed the air. The space. Her muscles seemed to be permanently clenched. She tried to relax the tension but it seemed unnatural not to tense up.

She crawled back through the window after a few minutes to retrieve her cigarettes and went back to sit on the fire escape. There was a boulder rolling around in her mind and she didn't want to let it stop because then she would have to face it.

She was happy. Something told her that it was so unexpected no one would believe her. Especially not pessimistic old Roger.

There was a clatter on the fire escape and Roger joined her.

"What are you doing outside, Mimi?"

"Where have you been? I thought you were asleep."

"I went for a run."

"Don't lie."

He laughed. "I'm not. I need to get in shape if you're going to keep pissing Collins off." He sat down next to her. "You're shaking, Mimi."

"I'm cold."

"Why are you sitting outside?"

She shrugged. "Collins wants me to talk to you, but I don't want to."

"Why?"

She shrugged again. "I can't… I want total honesty with you but I don't want to say it…and I didn't tell _him_. He just knew. But that is honesty- at least I'm not pretending there's nothing."

"Why can't you say it?" She couldn't read his tone of voice.

"I don't want to think about it."

Roger was starting to get an idea, but he didn't want to face the reality of it either. He closed his eyes. If Collins knew he should know too but it was so easy not to.

"Do you want him to tell me?"

"I don't want you to think about it."

"Are you okay though, because you're acting really…"

"People always think I'm crazy when I'm being honest."

He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. She rested her head against him.

"Is that it?"

She shrugged. "I'm sick of being old."

"You? Old?"

"Yeah. I feel old. I feel ancient. Not free, or something."

He squeezed her a little tighter. "Mimi you're freezing. Let's go inside, please."

"Okay."

He gave her a soft kiss and helped her to her feet. "Will you see a doctor soon, Meems?"

"I don't need to."

"Yeah you do. You're getting worse."

"I'm not. I'm better."

"You're scaring me. Last night…the way you were shaking. And you're not putting any of the weight back on, you look even thinner."

"I'm fine, I swear." Mimi said, half-irritated half-sad. "You should take a shower. You stink."

He grinned. "Stay inside, Mimi. It's too cold outside."

"I will." She kissed him and he went into the bathroom. The thought of joining him in the shower crossed her mind briefly, and she thought about his reaction, but it didn't seem like a good thing to d somehow.

Mimi sighed, and opened the fridge again. She stared inside for a while before partially closing the door so that the light went off. She turned the light on and off by moving the door open and closed until she got bored and closed it again. That was the best (and only?) game you could play with a fridge.

She climbed onto the counter and opened one of the higher cupboards where they kept the cereal. She took it out and moved it all into another cupboard. She had every intention of climbing inside the now empty cereal cupboard, but when she touched it to pull herself up it felt fragile and she decided it wouldn't support her weight.

"What are you doing?" Mark asked her with a smirk.

She turned around, still on top of the counter. "Don't tell Roger where it is."

"Why?" Mark laughed.

She shrugged. "It'll be funny." She hesitated, seeing his face. "I'm not crazy."

"I know."

"Are you sure?"

He laughed. "I don't think you're crazy. Just the older you get the younger you behave."

"I've been a dick lately."

"Are you okay though?"

"Fine." She wasn't sure if that was a lie or not. "Anyway, you never told me about your date last night."

His face fell. "It was good," he said seriously. Mimi got the sense she wasn't entirely forgiven for what she had said about her.

"Oh. Good."

Mark manoeuvred around Mimi's feet on the counter to make himself a coffee. "Want one?"

"No thanks."

"Is it okay if I have the living room tonight? I have some editing to do and I need to be able to concentrate."

"Okay…sure." This was not like him. Normally when he was wrapped up in his work he wouldn't even notice her.

There was an awkward silence. Mark sat down at the table and switched on his computer. Mimi sighed. Mark could never focus on having conversations when he was on his computer.

She hopped off the counter lithely and went back to the window, looking out onto the fire escape. She could hear something moving out beyond her eye line. She stepped outside promising herself it would only be for a second and so she wasn't breaking Roger's rule. There was a small cat walking raggedly towards the window.

"Hello." Mimi whispered, stroking it. She could feel all the bones in its back.

Carefully she lifted it into her arms and brought it inside the loft. It didn't even have the energy to fight her off. She placed it on the counter where her feet had been moments before and opened the fridge.

Mark looked up. "What is that?"

"I think it's a stray. It's really thin." She pulled a slice of meat out of a packet and gave it to the cat.

"Get it out of here, Mimi."

"Mark, look at it, it's starving."

"Mimi I hate cats."

"How could you hate cats?!"

"I just do. They're evil and selfish and they make me sneeze."

"Aww. But it's homeless. You LOVE the homeless."

"Mimi, please, if you have to waste food on it do it outside."

"I promised Roger I would stay inside."

"Mimi!"

"I'm going to call it Meowface."

"Why!?" He couldn't help but laugh.

She shrugged. "It's a funny name."

"Mimi it's all dirty and gross and diseased."

"You love the diseased!" She gave the rest of the packet to the cat, who wolfed it down. "I'm going to brush him. His fur's all tangled."

"Mimi that's disgusting. Not on the counter, please."

"Where then? The table right next to you?" She smiled sweetly.

"No!"

"Have some compassion."

Mark sighed. "Meowface…stay." Mimi said firmly and scampered off into her bedroom to get an old brush.

Collins groaned sleepily when she burst in.

"Collins, we've got a cat!" She said, excitedly, using the bed as a springboard to the other side of the room.

"What?"

"A cat. Come see."

"A cat?"

"Yeah, he's called Meowface."

Collins groaned again as he woke up. Mimi went back into the kitchen. Mark was watching the cat sniff around the counter with a look of disgust on his face.

Mimi laughed when she saw his expression, but she took the cat in her arms and began to brush it, with great difficulty. Roger came out of the bathroom.

"Roger!" Mark called. "Come and see this."

Roger crossed into the living room in a towel. His eyes widened when he saw the ball of fur in her arms.

"Mimi…"

"He's a stray, Roger." Mimi pleaded. "Please." She looked up at him with wide, eyes.

"You're not going to get the knots out with a brush, Meems, it's too matted." He sighed, petting the cat.

"You'll have to shave him." Collins said, with a big grin across his face.

"No!" Mark said firmly. "You are not shaving a cat in my apartment."

"Who pays the rent, Mark?" Mimi demanded. "No one, that's who, and you know why? Because Benny doesn't make you. And you know why? Because I am here. So the rent gets paid because of me. So it's my apartment."

Mark bit his lip, torn between frustration and wanting to laugh at her logic.

"Come on Meowface, you'll need an electric shaver." Collins said, laughing.

"Meowface?" Roger asked. "It's a good name." He added, sensing Mimi would punish him if he said anything else.

The three of them took the cat into the bathroom leaving behind a scowling Mark.

"He's so scrawny." Collins said. "He ain't going to like this." He switched on (Mark's) electric razor.

Collins was right; the cat did not enjoy being shaved, and scratched a lot of Roger's arms, which Mimi found hilarious. Once it had lost its fur however, it had a new lease of life.

"Meowface, you look so fine." Mimi laughed. "Mark look- he's not gross anymore."

Mark pulled a face. "Okay you fed it, you gave it a haircut, can you _please_ put it outside now?"

Mimi gave him her saddest, most pitiful look.

"It'll freeze to death with no fur, Mark." Collins said. "Meowface is here to stay."

"Great!" Mark said angrily. "Fucking great. Thanks for being so considerate."

"This will be really good for Mimi." Collins hissed when he knew she couldn't hear. "Take her mind off things."

Mark sighed. "Couldn't she get a goldfish or something?"

* * *

Two days later and Mimi had changed completely. She seemed much more stable and considerably happier. Even Roger had bonded with the cat, although he wouldn't admit it. Mimi spent most of her time feeding it and playing with it. Mark was happy to see her laughing again but the cat had a really arrogant face and it drove him crazy. 

"Mimi, look what that thing did to me!" Mark yelled, pointing to a small raised bump on his arm.

"What is it?"

"A flea bite."

"That tiny thing?"

"It is driving me crazy. It itches so much."

"It's not Meowface's fault. _He_ didn't bite you."

"Yes he did! This morning when I tried to get the paper out from under his ass!" He saw Mimi suppress a smile. "If we didn't have the damn cat we wouldn't have the fleas."

Mimi grinned. "We can get something to get rid of them."

Mark sighed. That meant _he_ would have to go to the pet store, and _he_ would have to pay for some flea treatment. He sneezed in annoyance. Mimi laughed.

"Get an antihistamine too."

"So I have to take an antihistamine every day for the rest of that thing's life?"

Mimi shrugged. Her smile had faded a little. Roger had broken a guitar string and gone out to get another one. Mimi had tied a piece of paper to the end of the broken string and was trailing it along the floor for the cat to chase.

"Okay… I'll go to the pet store now." Mark said, feeling guilty when he saw Mimi's face.

"Can I come?" She grinned.

A few hours later (yes, hours) Mark and Mimi returned carrying much more than what they had set out to get. Roger had been petting Meowface, but shoved him off his lap nonchalantly when they came back.

"Where have you guys been?" He asked.

"Pet store." Mimi said jumping onto the sofa next to him.

"Spending money we don't have." Mark said, taking an antihistamine in the doorway, as if being inside would kill him. "On things we don't need."

Mimi sighed; Roger could tell she had made this speech a number of times. "Meowface needs a collar so that everyone knows he isn't a stray anymore, he needs a bed otherwise he gets into our bed and Roger doesn't like it, he needs a brush-"

"Mimi it has no fur!" Mark interrupted.

"Well…it'll grow back." Mimi said. "And we needed cat food and a litter box, unless you want him using your shoes again... and…"

"Did we really need this?" Mark said, pulling out a toy mouse.

"Yes!" Mimi laughed.

"And why my shoes? Why couldn't it have used yours? You have enough."

"He has taste, Mark." Mimi said dryly.

Mark tossed her the flea treatment . "Do it now." He scratched at his arm for effect.

Mimi picked up Meowface and put him on her lap squeezing a few drops of the treatment onto his neck. The cat didn't seem to enjoy it, and slashed at Roger viciously.

"What did I do?" He shuffled along the sofa. "Fucking evil cat from hell."

Mimi laughed. "I love him more and more with every day."

The cat jumped off Mimi's lap when she had finished and walked towards Mark.

"Go away."

The cat looked at him with narrowed eyes.

"Go away! Mimi…get him away." He said nervously.

"He's not going to hurt you, Mark. He just wants to look at you."

"I don't like him."

Mimi sighed and jumped up from the sofa, picking Meowface up and putting him back on her lap. He purred loudly as she tickled him.

"Oh look how terrifying he is Mark!" She laughed sarcastically.

"I don't have to like him as well as spend all my money on him." Mark said, switching on his computer. "Now I know why they call it pussy whipped."

* * *

Roger had been writing a lot more recently. Mimi focused all her attention on the cat, and Roger focused al of his into writing. Neither of them wanted to close the gap between them because they both knew it would involve facing something that neither of them felt strong enough to deal with. Mimi was happy because no one was bothering her anymore. She had something else to focus on and now the constant questioning she had faced over the last few weeks had started to stop. 

Roger hated everything he had written but he couldn't stop writing, re-writing, throwing it all out and starting again. It was therapeutic, even if he avoided the main issue that was weighing him down.

Today was Thursday. His new job started tomorrow. Roger was dreading it, but at least he wasn't expected to have written anything. Roger was rapidly coming to the conclusion that he was fucking terrible writer, and the realisation really hurt. Tomorrow Roger would be a member of what was a manufactured band. The thought almost gave him want to throw up. Grey's Bar full of yuppies drinking cocktails and a mellow band performing soft rock covers.

Collins had laughed so hard when he saw the set list Roger was expected to play. It made him want to quit, but the thought of Mimi having to go back to work instead kept him going. Mimi seemed to cope by having some kind of regression back into the childhood she'd never had. Whilst he hoped she snapped out of it soon he couldn't stand the thought of innocent Mimi dancing for those guys.

He set his guitar down angrily. Mimi looked up. "What's up?"

"I can't think properly."

She smiled. Oh God, she knew how he felt, but she was glad of it, she liked that she couldn't pin down the struggle that was going on inside her. She didn't want to face any of it.

"Teach me to play."

"What?"

"Teach me to play guitar." She grinned. "When Mo and Jo get here later I can show them what a good teacher you are."

"Okay." He pulled her onto his lap on the sofa and put the guitar in her hands, moving her fingers onto the frets. "This is G. Strum."

Mimi strummed her fingers against the strings. Roger took her other hand and moved her fingers. "D." She strummed it.

"Am I good?"

"Awesome." He moved her fingers again. "E minor."

"That's my favourite."

"Because it only uses two fingers?"

"How did you know?"

He laughed and moved her fingers again. "Keep strumming." She obeyed, and he moved her fingers again.

"I'm playing a song!" Mimi laughed, as Roger moved her fingers. "What is it?"

"Can't you tell?" She shook her head. "When I'm…" He sang as he moved her fingers again. "…driving in my…" he moved her fingers again "…car…and the…man comes….on the…radio…"

"Roger!" She shoved the guitar on the floor and jumped up.

"What?"

"Of all the songs in the world you had to choose that one!"

Roger sighed. "I didn't think." When he thought about it _Satisfaction_ was a really stupid song to have chosen. "I just thought…because it's easy…"

Mimi looked at him, a look of hurt and disgust on her face.

"Mimi, come on, I honestly didn't think about it."

She picked his guitar back up and painstakingly found a chord and began to strum, dancing around, pausing only to change the chord. "E minor, E minor, E minor…..D…Roger's a dickhead but he really loves meeee…" she sang happily, "E minor, E minor, E minor…G…Roger dances like he needs to pee…E minor, E minor, E mi-"

"That's enough." Collins said, taking the guitar out of hands.

Mimi sighed. "Old man."

"You'll be old one day, and then all you'll want is to read the newspaper with a good spliff in peace."

Mimi laughed. "Didn't you like my song though?"

"You should write for Roger." Collins grinned. "He needs all the help he can get."

Roger sighed, too tired to retort but he had a small, peaceful grin on his face.

* * *

**Pretty much all of that chapter really happened (including shaving a cat). **

**Oh and that was Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones (Britney Spears did a cover I think) **


	17. Fingernails

** Friday**

"Nervous?"

"No." Roger said sullenly.

"You should be. You'll get eaten alive by fangirls." Collins grinned.

"Fuck off."

"Are you going to pull that attitude all night?"

"Yep."

"They'll love that, you know, the moody, badboy rockstar." Mark smirked.

"What is the first commandment, Roger?" Mimi asked sweetly.

"Thou shalt not even speak to groupies, and thou shalt definitely not drink with them, and thou shalt return home to Mimi as soon as thou hast finished playing." Roger recited.

"Good boy."

"I won't anyway. Why would I? They're all losers." He sulked. "They don't deserve…"

"They don't deserve you or your amazing talent in their stupid bar. We know." Collins said. "I'm pissed you didn't invite us."

"You wouldn't be seen dead in a place like that. You just want to laugh at me. Although Mark might like it." He flicked his finished cigarette at him. "Yuppie bastard."

"How am I a yuppie? At all? Because Sarah lives in a nice apartment and has a good job? That makes me a yuppie? What about Joanne? She has a proper job, you think she's scum too? And…"

Mark and Roger had had this fight several times. At first it had been funny for Collins and Mimi to watch, because Roger was being petty and Mark took him far too seriously. By now it was starting to get very boring; Roger would list all the things he found yuppie-ish about Mark, and Mark would try to contradict him or make excuses, regardless of what Roger said.

"Gatecrash?" Collins asked Mimi quietly as their argument continued in the background.

"Not allowed."

"I bet there's another bathroom window you could fit through if you're interested."

"And what about you, fatass?"

"Oh I'll use the door. They won't let me in, but if I charge like a bull I can catch a few seconds and make a bit of a scene when they kick me out."

"Tempting, Mr Collins, but I want this to go well for him." Mimi said.

"I am NOT dressing better!" They heard Mark scream at Roger.

"Can you hear yourselves?!" Collins interrupted. "You're like an old married couple. Shut up. You- go to your yuppie bar." He pointed at Roger. "And you- go on your yuppie date." He pointed to Mark. "Right now you're just as bad as each other."

"Fine. See you later." Roger mumbled, kissing Mimi quickly and shoving past Mark out of the door.

Truth be told Roger's stomach was in knots. None of the other members of his new band were even close to as talented as he was. Even in his head that sounded arrogant, but it was the truth. He had to play other people's songs- songs he hated- for a crowd of people he resented and despised as they talked over his music and drank their stupid cocktails. All this for money. Much needed money, but he always swore that money would never be his motivation for doing anything. Now he could see no other reason for taking this job.

He had visions of himself arriving and starting their preplanned set list but turning it all around halfway through and breaking into some amazing heavy song of his own, forcing the bastards to stop dead in their tracks and really listen, shock them, amaze them, do something worthwhile.

Only one problem. He couldn't think of a single song.

It was okay that he hated every song he was going to be forced to play, but what was the point? Roger had started to be convinced that he couldn't write anything better himself, and the thought physically hurt him.

Grey's was "sleek" and "shiny" and "modern" and "fresh" and "hip" and all the things Roger hated about New York under one roof.

Mimi, the eternal optimist, expected he would have to fight off groupies. Roger knew for a damn fact that no one would really notice where their middle-of-the-road background music was coming from. Two years ago he could have ruled that place- he could have been too good for it. Now he was intimidated by its shiny new interior and shiny happy customers.

Roger's old band, _The Well Hungarians_, could have been big and that was the way he liked it. They were always on the edge of success, always on the brink of something major. People could tell him he was wasting his life on drugs and groupies, that hey were stopping him from achieving his full potential as a musician; it was a compliment. As far as Roger was concerned wasted potential was always a better option than failure. Roger would always prefer to be someone who could have been great, than someone who tried and failed.

Years later, and his wasted potential forgotten by the people of New York, times had obviously changed. Musicians were as sleek as the venues they played in and nobody wanted greatness anymore. Mellow was in, rock was out. Roger could have been a glam rock superstar, but now grunge was taking music in a different direction. No one needed a story behind their rockstars anymore. No wanted sex drugs and rock and roll, they wanted easy listening. No one could appreciate the potential, only the tangible.

* * *

"There's a song in my forehead." Roger had groaned, a few hours earlier. 

"What?" Mimi whispered.

"It's there. I can almost hear it. I feel like if I look up I can see it. But I can't touch it. Like it's just waiting there in the top of my head for me to grab it. But I can't. Like when you try to remember a word and you know you know it but you can't think of it, and you can feel it in your head."

"Stand on your tip-toes?" Mimi suggested.

"You know when you drop a penny on the table, and you can't pick it up because your fingers are too big and you can't get hold of it properly…so the only way is if you…slide it off the table. It kind of feels like that."

"What are you on about?" Collins laughed. "Are you high or am I?"

"Never mind." Roger sighed, since neither of them seemed to understand. His focus went back to his guitar, but he couldn't even find the inspiration to decide which chords to experiment with. He just knew it was there.

* * *

There were people queuing to get into the bar. As Roger approached it he could see a line of them snaking along the sidewalk. When Roger went out (or when he used to) he would go to bar, get wrecked, meet girls, have a good time. When these people went out it was so they could say they had been there, to each swanky bar or club in the city, they could namedrop all the rich and famous people they had met. They came from different worlds. 

Roger took a road around the side of the bar and went in through the back door.

"You missed the soundcheck today, buddy." The bassist said. Some eleven year-old bassist with an angelic face. Or maybe Roger was just old.

"I'll live." Roger grunted in response.

"If you get fired don't expect us to go down with you."

The night was everything Roger had expected. Nobody listened, everyone danced in the same moderated way, there was a lot of talk, a lot of expensive, pretentious drinks bought. A lot of rich people, coming to check to the place out, to see if it could be their new hot spot.

The highlight of the night was when he spotted a miserable Allison Grey out with her girlfriends on what was probably a post-break-up man-hating night out. For a few seconds Roger was sure she recognised him, she gave him a lingering look, but turned back to her drunken girlfriends without acknowledging him.

The only notice anyone really seemed to take of the music was when the other guitarist (another baby-faced kid who would have fitted in perfectly in the Backstreet Boys) made a mistake and a few of the more musically inclined customers looked up in annoyance.

By the end of the night Roger felt more old and weary than angry. He left for home with his first paycheck and a thick wad of cash that was his share of the tips.

Mimi would be happy at least.

He expected she would be asleep; they had closed the bar much later than he had thought they would. It was almost 4am by the time he got home, but she was waiting up for him, wrapped tightly in blankets and sitting as close to the stove as she could without burning herself.

"Sorry I was out so late." He kissed her, sitting next to her.

"How did it go?" She whispered.

"How I thought it would."

She sighed, knowing exactly how bleak that was.

"You don't have to work if you don't want to."

"It's okay." He took the wad of cash from his pocket and put it into their savings jar. Mark wouldn't pilfer it this time, he knew. He wouldn't dare.

"Roger?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Making you feel like you have to get a job just for money, when I know you hate money. Making you hate music."

He shrugged. "I'm paying my dues. It's about time I did."

Mimi bit her lip, like she was trying to think of something to say in response, but she said nothing.

"I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"For pretending I didn't know. I know, Mimi. I figured it out before Collins did. Pretending not to know is just easier."

Mimi snuggled a little closer into his side. "I'm glad you know." She whispered finally. "Because I don't think I ever could have told you myself."

That hurt in a different way than he expected. Not because she couldn't trust him, or just simply didn't want him to know. He knew that wasn't the case. She couldn't tell him, because speaking those words would hurt her. That was more painful than he could even bear to think about. But that was always his problem. Roger always chose ignorance, because ignorance was bliss. The old Roger would have been ready to kill someone for hurting her that way. New Roger felt physically wounded.

"Roger?"

"Yeah."

"Just use your fingernails."

"What?"

"That's what I do. If you can get your fingernail under the penny you can pick it up."

He laughed softly, imagining that Mimi had been trying to think of that all night. He looked at his fingernails, the chipped black nail polish that he couldn't really carry off anymore, but that had meant so much when he was a rockstar.

* * *

** I'm so sorry I am taking so long with the updates. I can't get home until October so I am stuck at my parents' house and it's hard to update from here. I hope I haven't made everyone lose interest because I am so slow. I promise this is all going somewhere. PLEASE review. They keep me going.  
**


	18. Running

That night Roger dreamed about scratching the perfect song into the kitchen table with his fingernails. Even in his dream he knew it was an incredible song, but as usual once he had woken up it had disappeared out of his mind completely. 

Mimi was still sleeping. It was very early, too early for Roger to have ever normally thought about getting up, but today he found himself feeling lighter than he ever had in his life. He wanted nothing more than to watch Mimi sleep, happy that she _could_ finally sleep so peacefully. Inside he was aching with restless energy, itching to move, so he dressed, took a handful of the money he had earned the night before and went outside, with every intention of buying something to eat, since their kitchen was almost empty. But once the cold air hit his lungs he started to run, as if he couldn't help it, running until his muscles started to burn and his lungs felt as if they would explode. When he stopped he felt like breaking down, crying, screaming, scraping the frustration out. Instead he sat down where he was in the empty street, watching the sweat steam off his body in spirals.

His conversation with Mimi had made him feel infinitely better…or at least less worried, but the frustration was still there. Frustration at being out of control in his own thoughts, in that masterpiece inside his head that he couldn't touch, in what had happened to Mimi. There was nothing he could do to change the past, to make Mimi feel better. He couldn't even get angry because it would be misplaced; he would never know who did it to her, never get revenge, never rip his fucking throat out. If he got angry he would only take it out on Mark, or the furniture, or worse…Mimi. All he could do is sit, wait and hope that somehow it would all get better. That was frustration beyond what he could even measure.

He trudged back to the loft, with no more energy to run, his body aching. The fit, strong body he had once had was still strong but much less in shape. Much less healthy. Roger wasn't even sure he could blame it on his disease or if it was just from years of sitting on his ass.

When he got back to the loft Collins was awake and looking like the un-dead (if zombies drank coffee).

"What happened to you last night?" Collins asked. "You didn't?"

"What?"

"You know what."

Roger honestly didn't know what, and was in too much of a bad mood to ask.

"I'm going to shower." Roger said.

"Wait. Where have you been?"

"Running."

"You?"

"Yeah. I reek, so I'm gonna shower, if that's okay with you."

"How did it go last night?"

"It was full of losers, the music was shit, the band was shit; but I earned some good scratch."

"That's good."

"I suppose."

"You hate it?"

"What do you think?"

"When you didn't come home last night we thought maybe you were back to your old junkie groupie ways." Collins laughed.

"I wouldn't do that. What do you take me for?" Roger said fiercely.

"Relax. It was a joke."

"Don't joke about that shit."

"There's no point talking to you when you're in a mood, is there?" Collins grinned. "Normal conversation will resume later I hope."

Roger rolled his eyes. "I'm just a fucking joke around here, aren't I?"

"Actually, we were all kinda proud of you. You did what you had to do, and I respect you for it."

"I'm taking a shower."

Collins laughed into his coffee, and Roger suppressed the urge to hit him. Mark's bedroom door opened and Mark scuttled out, noticed Roger and made a run for the bathroom. Roger got there first, shoved Mark out of the way and the slammed the door behind him.

"Roger, please, I really need the bathroom."

"You snooze you lose."

"You want me to wet my pants?"

Roger started to laugh, despite himself. The thought of Mark wetting himself was priceless.

"I'll be two seconds, Roger. Please." Mark begged.

Roger ignored him and turned on the shower, still laughing. He heard Mark kick the door, and a yelp of pain, which was even funnier. By the time he had finished his (deliberately extra-long) shower he felt like a different person.

The second he unlocked the door Mark shoved his way inside without waiting for Roger to leave.

"You know, since you started getting laid you're so much more aggressive."

"And since you stopped getting laid you're…"

"Don't finish that sentence if you want to keep your teeth."

Mark flashed said teeth in a grin, which Roger tried hard not to return. In the kitchen, Collins was counting the money out of the jar Roger had filled last night.

"That's some job, Roger." Collins said appreciatively. "We do a mean Boyz II Men, maybe I should join your band."

"No thanks." Roger grinned, pouring himself a coffee.

"This is a moodswing worthy of Maureen." Collins pointed out. "What gives?"

"Mimi and I had a proper talk. I dunno…I guess it was good to get things out in the open." He saw Collins open his mouth to speak, and realised talking about Mimi with Collins was suddenly the last thing he wanted to do. "I kicked ass last night." Roger added hurriedly, cutting Collins off. "I earned enough money in one night to keep us going for a while, and to top it all off, Mark smells of piss. Life's not too bad."

"I wish we had _that_ on film."

"I just hope Mark doesn't help himself to that money for his next date."

"I won't." Mark said from the doorway. "It was a one-off, Rog. Stop going on about it."

"Fine."

"And I don't smell of piss. I held it in. Even if you did take longer than any guy ever should in the shower."

"Remember how long Benny used to take in the shower?" Roger laughed.

"It's all that long hair he has to wash." Collins laughed.

The phone rang, and as usual they left it for the machine to pick up.

"Hey…huh…aha…hey Roger, great job last night. Call me back, we can sort out next week's shifts. Love ya, dawg. Sweet machine message."

Mark had the smuggest grin across face. "So dawg, you gonna call him back?"

Roger sighed. "Not yet. I can't face him."

"What time is it?" Mark asked.

"10."

"I have a breakfast date in half an hour."

"You had a date last night."

"He's the resident stud now, Roger. You have to get used to it." Collins grinned.

"Yeah, well I fully intend to bring her back here later today…depends what we do after breakfast, and we'd appreciate it if you guys weren't trashed, arguing or even worse…if Maureen was here."

"They have to meet sometime, Mark. If it's serious."

"They'll meet. I really think this is the real thing." He paused, a blissful expression across his face. "She's just not as…blatant as Maureen, you know, I think we need to get to know each other better before I subject her to Maureen."

Roger grinned wickedly.

"Don't you dare, Davis." Mark warned. "I'll never forgive you."

"You've changed, Mark." Roger said laughed, trying to look serious.

"Whatever, I'm going to get ready." Mark said, walking happily to his room.

"I'm glad you're happy, man." Collins said in a low voice. "It's good to see."

Roger shrugged, suddenly a little embarrassed. "I'm glad too."

Mimi rescued him, thankfully, as he heard the bedroom door open. The light lit her messy hair up from behind like some kind of fluffy halo and Roger almost had a Mark moment. She had a sleepy, childlike expression on her face.

"What fucking time is it?" She groaned, breaking the illusion.

"Just after ten," Roger laughed. "You haven't 'wasted the day', if that's what you're worried about."

"You smell nice." Mimi deadpanned, sitting next to him and pouring herself a coffee. "Fucking _hell_, it's hot."

"Sleep well?" Collins asked.

"Like a fucking log." She grinned. "What time did you get up, anyway?"

"Just after six."

"Why?" She asked Roger. "He didn't come home until after four." She informed Collins.

"He was with his groupie fanclub." Collins grinned. "There's a lot of them."

"Really?" Mimi purred. "Maybe I'll have to come next time."

"You'll never guess who I saw last night."

"Who?" Mimi said, too tired to even fake interest.

"Alison Grey."

Mimi groaned. "Did she say anything?"

"No. She was with a bunch of over-privileged girls, probably celebrating their hatred for all men."

Mimi groaned again.

"Did she recognise you?" Collins asked.

"I dunno. I thought she looked at me…but she didn't react or anything."

"It could have made things more exciting for you." Collins grinned.

"Hey, she has no reason to hate me." Roger said. "But it's a good job you weren't there, Meems, her nasty fake nails were ready to claw someone's eyes out."

"Who?" Mark said as he came back into the room.

"Muffy."

"She was there last night?" Mark laughed. "That sucks. What did she say?"

"Nothing." Roger sighed. "She probably won't come back. It's pretty swanky but I don't think it's quite upmarket enough for little Muffy."

"I'd kick her fucking ass." Mimi said, an unpleasant expression on her fcae. "Fuck her disgusting nails, I'd kick her fucking ass if she even said a word." She held her hand up like a cat's claws. "My nails are fiercer than any nasty plastics anyhow."

"Morning Mimi." Mark said happily. "Wrong side of the bed?"

"No, I'm good." She smiled. "Now fuck off on your date."

"Will do."

* * *

After Collins had gone to class (late) and Mark had skipped off (almost literally) on his date, Roger felt suddenly as if all the air had been let out of him. He wanted to kick himself for being so emotional all the time, but he couldn't help it; being with Mimi alone, with no distractions kind of hurt.

"Meeeeemeeeeeee." He sang at her, watching her as she dressed.

"What?" She laughed.

"Can we do something. Anything. Please?"

"But what!?" She said dramatically.

"Anything. Let's just not sit in this house anymore."

"Sounds good to me."

"We have money. Lets go shopping."

"_You_ want to go shopping?" She grinned. "This is rare occasion. Like a blue moon, whatever that is."

"Come on then."

"Did Mark sell his camera for some magic coffee beans, or something? " Mimi asked, putting on her coat. "Or did you get laid last night after all?" She put her hands on her hips playfully. "I want an explanation for this good mood."

"I'm glad we talked last night. I guess…I don't know. I hate not being able to do anything about it, but I'm just glad it's all open."

Mimi shrugged, her happy demeanour fading fast. "Lets just pretend it never happened, please." She whispered. "I'm glad we're being open…just lets not think about it. It's easier that way."

Roger knew that was counterproductive, but it was so much easier than confronting the issue.

"Okay." He whispered in response. "Just don't…not talk to me…if you need to."

"I won't."

Talking around the problem was easy, but once either of them really focused on it, that one word, the word neither of them found themselves able to say it hit home with such a force neither of them felt as if they could function. Mimi felt weak, pathetic and embarrassed and Roger felt angry, frustrated and ripped open with the force it hurt to think about it.

"You promise you'll tell me if you get too cold?" Roger said.

"Yeah I promise. I'll be fine, Rog, I'm a lot stronger than I was."

"Yeah."

Roger stopped outside a grocery store.

"You meant that kind of shopping?" Mimi said, a little disappointed. "I thought you meant the fun kind of shopping."

"We're not that rich. Yet. We have nothing in the kitchen at all."

"I should have known you meant food."

"Yeah you should. Come on, I'll buy you something good."

"That's okay." Mimi said. "Lets just get it over with. At least we're out of the house."

"You ever think about getting healthy?" Roger asked. "We eat crap, and maybe we should make the effort sometimes, you know. We could both do with getting healthy."

"What has happened to you?" Mimi grinned. "And anyway, I don't eat crap."

"Sometimes I think I owe it to second chances to get healthy."

"Do it then." Mimi shrugged. "But Collins will have a heart attack if he opens the refrigerator and finds vegetables. Maybe in the interest of his health you should get crap too."

Inside Roger headed straight for the cereal aisle. Mimi slapped his hand as he picked up Cap'n Crunch.

"Not healthy. Look how much sugar there is." She placed muesli in his hand instead.

"We're not getting that." Roger said firmly. "Rabbit food."

"Healthy rabbit food." Mimi grinned.

"Forget it. It's tradition." He put the Cap'n Crunch into his shopping cart.

"I can't ever bake cookies again, if you want to be healthy." Mimi laughed.

"Everything in moderation, right?" He grinned.

Mimi shrugged. "Look vegetables!" She ran over to the vegetable aisle and picked up a weird looking purple vegetable (or fruit?).

"What the fuck is that?" Roger asked loudly.

"No idea. Looks healthy though." She threw it to him, and he caught it and inspected it as if it was an alien.

"Get two!" Mimi said, throwing him another one, which he didn't catch. The alien fruit smashed all over the floor.

Mimi laughed hysterically. "Let's not get that one."

"Look at its insides, Meems, it looks gross. Let's not get any. Let's just not be healthy today. We can start tomorrow, or something."

"You have shit on your shoes." Mimi said, pointing to the smashed alien fruit that had splattered Roger's feet.

"Great."

"At least we won't get lost. We can follow your mushy footsteps."

"Have you ever got lost in a grocery store before?"

"I wish." She said playfully. "Look tomatoes! We know what they are!"

"Pizza topping?"

Mimi sighed happily. "Outside is fun! We should do it more."

"I just worry, Meems. I can't help it. I'm sorry."

Mimi shrugged. "Last time I went out I felt wrecked. I hate to admit it, Rog, but you might have been right. Maybe I'm not fully better yet."

"Mimi Marquez, what are you doing out of the house?" An excited voice said from behind them.

"Maureen!" Mimi screamed. "Look Roger has money!"

"Your gig went good?" Joanne asked him, looking slightly uneasy about the amount of noise Mimi and Maureen were making in such a public place.

"It was okay. The pay makes up for the crappy company."

"Party at yours tonight, then?" Maureen grinned.

"No, you're not allowed at our place tonight. Strict orders from Mark. He has his girl coming over." Roger grinned.

Maureen pulled a face. "Fuck that! Who does he think he is? We're coming over to see you and your big, thick wallet tonight, whether he likes it or not." Maureen said fiercely. "Might just tell some embarrassing stories about him too."

"He'll be seriously pissed. He has been so arrogant since she came on the scene, it's really stupid."

"I'll take him down a peg or two!" Maureen laughed. "I'll have some fun doing it too."

"Don't wreck this for him, Maureen." Mimi said seriously. "He thinks she's the one. He told me last night."

"I kinda miss the little guy." Joanne said. "He doesn't call us anymore, and he used to call us all the time."

"Call him little guy in front of her, Pookie, that'll really make her respect him." Maureen laughed. "Ew Roger you have gloop in your hair."

Mimi grinned as Roger patted at his hair frantically (Roger took pride in his hair). "It's a long story. What are those purple fruit things?"

"Aubergines?" Suggested Joanne.

"They explode when you throw them."

"What were you doing with aubergines?" Joanne asked.

"Roger's on a health kick."

"I thought you were looking a bit ripped lately, Roger." Maureen said, touching his bicep fondly.

"He hasn't started yet." Mimi giggled. "He doesn't really understand what healthy is."

Maureen flashed her pearly whites. "Whatever. He looks good. Watch out, Meems, you never saw him in his heyday. He had girls falling at his feet."

"You talk about me like I'm 98." Roger said. "I'm not past it yet."

"Gramps has been pretty jolly today." Mimi laughed. "I think it's magic coffee beans."

"Anyway, I don't care about Roger! What about Mark's girlfriend. What's with her hair? It looks really bad on her."

"When did you meet her?" Roger asked.

"Oh…" Maureen suddenly looked very embarrassed. "We saw them together, a few nights ago. She seems like a total prick."

"We literally caught a glimpse of her." Joanne said. "You can't judge from that."

"I don't like her. I have a sense about these things."

"They're on a breakfast date." Roger offered. "Sounds pretty gay to me. They're coming back to out place afterwards."

"Lets go then!" Maureen said. "And don't use gay in that way, Roger, it's offesnive! Come on, Pookie, we can shop later. I want to meet her! Have you guys finished shopping?"

"Do we have to go now?" Joanne sighed.

"Yes!" Maureen insisted. "Come on!" She took the two shopping carts from Roger and Joanne and abandoned them in an aisle. "Let's go."

* * *

"Mark!?" Maureen shrieked, opening the door to the loft.

Mark and Sarah were getting cosy on the sofa together, and neither bothered to hide their disappointed (in Mark's case) and terrified (in Sarah's case) expressions from their faces.

"Oh how cute!" Maureen said. "I'm the lesbian he dated before you!" Maureen said, offering her hand out to Sarah to shake. Sarah took it gingerly. "I don't bite! Unless you ask me to, right Jo."

"Hi Mark." Joanne said wearily, sitting at the table.

"Hey." He glared at Roger as he came in, who shrugged sympathetically.

"So. You guys met on the internet, huh? Isn't that a little geeky?" Maureen asked.

"Go away, Maureen." Mark said firmly. "Please."

Joanne started to laugh. It was not often anyone spoke up to Maureen other than herself, and Maureen never reacted well.

"Excuse me, Mark! He wasn't like this before he met you." She said to Sarah. "He was always this mild-mannered nerd. He never stood up for himself. Don't you let him get too big for his boots."

"Maureen, please. We just want some private time." Mark said.

"Just 'cause you've got a hot chick doesn't mean you can talk to me like this, Marky."

"Did you ever think that maybe he never stuck up for himself because you totally oppressed him?" Sarah said. "Maybe you never let him get a word in edgeways."

Maureen stared at her, open-mouthed for a second. "Ooh, I though you would be some kind of wallflower, I didn't know you'd be feisty." Maureen laughed. "He always seems to go for women with bigger balls than him, don't you Marky?"

"Maureen…" He pleaded.

"Okay. I get it. I'm here to see Mimi and Roger anyway. But it was nice to meet you, feisty Sarah."

"Pleasure." Sarah said, without any expression.

"Come on." Mark said, taking her hand and heading towards the bedroom.

"Ooh look at that!" Maureen laughed. "Bedtime already?"

"Shut up!" Mark snapped. "You're pathetic."

"You're sexy, studmuffin." Maureen grinned.

"I hate you." Mark groaned, slamming the door behind him.

"She _is_ a prick." Maureen said, her smile fading as soon as the door closed.

"I like her." Joanne smiled. "She put up a good fight."

"I won though, right?"

"Of course, Honeybear."

Roger and Mimi joined Joanne and Maureen at the table. "That's was fucking hilarious, Mo." Roger laughed.

"You're evil." Mimi grinned.

"I'm fucking hungry."

"We have nothing. You intercepted our shopping trip, remember." Roger said.

"Is it too early for pizza?"

"It's never too early for pizza." Roger grinned.

"So much for your health kick." Joanne smiled. "Who knew that wouldn't last?"

Maureen stood up and walked determinedly to Mark's bedroom door and opened it.

"Oops. Sorry Pookie. I'll close my eyes." She covered her eyes with her hand. "We're ordering pizza, you guys want some."

"Go away!" Mark yelled. Maureen dodged a flying shoe and closed the door quickly.

"If it's not too early for sex it's definitely not too early for pizza. I want ham and pineapple." She crossed over to the phone. "Ooh you have a message."

Maureen played the message they had received earlier. "Oh he sounds a dream, Roger! I bet you had fun last night."

"Shut up." Roger said fiercely. "I'll send you home."

"Okay. I'll play nice. What do you guys want?"

As Joanne decisively ordered, and Roger mulled it over (he was bad at making food-related decisions when all-you-can-eat was not an ption) Maureen turned to Mimi.

"What do you want, honey?"

"I don't really feel like pizza."

"What do you want then?"

"I'm not hungry yet."

"Come on, Mimi."

"No." Mimi snapped.

"Well there's nothing in the house!" Maureen insisted.

"I said I'm not hungry. I'll sort myself out later." She said fiercely.

"Mimi…"

"No! I'm not going to argue with you, Maureen, stop being such a control freak." Mimi said shortly. "I'll eat what I want, when I want."

"Fine!" Maureen said, dialling the pizza place. "Nobody's going to share with you, when you change your mind later."

"I won't."

"Fine."

Mimi watched her order for a second, before going into the bedroom and closing the door behind her fiercely.

"What was that about?" Joanne whispered to Roger.

Roger shrugged, his happy mood starting to sink. "I'll talk to her." He whispered in response, following Mimi into the bedroom.

"Fucking Maureen, she thinks she can control everything! She was such a bitch to Mark." Mimi said, the second he walked in.

"What's wrong?"

"I've just told you, she pisses me off."

"You didn't eat breakfast."

"We don't have anything in the house, remember."

"So you must be hungry."

"Well I'm not." Mimi snapped. "Don't you start too. I'm not in the mood."

"Well I'm worried about you." Roger said firmly. "So is Collins."

"You just like worrying, though, don't you? You're only happy when you're fucking miserable about something." There was a note of venom in Mimi's voice Roger had never heard before.

"I haven't seen you eat in a really long time."

"Open your fucking eyes then."

"Are you back on the smack, Meems?"

"Fuck you."

"Mimi…if you are…we can do something. I understand if you needed it…after..."

"Fuck off, Roger." She said bitterly.

"Mimi…"

"Yeah, I'm back on smack. Magic, invisible junk that I buy from the friendly invisible dealer who lives in the bathroom cupboard with the mountain of invisible money I keep under our bed." She snapped. "Fuck you."

"Fine. Okay. That was a stupid question. So tell me what is wrong."

"Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING!"

"Mimi, that's a fucking lie." He was finding it hard not to lose his temper. "Have you been taking your AZT?"

"You know I have! We take it together!"

"Maybe it's not working. Please see a doctor, Meems. You're not getting any better."

"Just fuck off, Roger, I don't even want to fucking speak to you."

"What happened? We were doing okay until five minutes ago."

"Shut up then."

"Mimi! I'm really trying here."

"Fuck off, I said."

"No. You said you'd talk to me if things were getting to you."

"_You're_ getting to me." Mimi said fiercely. "You and Maureen. You just won't let anything lie."

"This isn't about pizza, Mimi."

"What is it then?"

"Why the fuck did you react like that?"

"Because she was pissing me off. And so are you. Just leave me alone."

"Not an option, Meems." He was veering quickly between angry and really worried about her. He was finding it hard not to yell at her.

"Roger, what is your problem? I don't want pizza. Stop making a big issue of it."

"You're the one making it a big issue. I'm trying to help you. Collins said you haven't been eating, and he's right. You are looking really thin, Mimi."

"I've always been thin."

"Yeah and you scared the fucking life out of us at Christmas with how thin you were. And now you're even thinner. A lot thinner."

"So I'm not a fat, disgusting, greedy pig like you and Collins. Leave me alone."

"No." The more he thought about it the more obvious it was how little she had eaten since Christmas. She always had an excuse ready, always a tantrum to throw. "What are you doing, Mimi? What are you playing at?"

"Nothing. I don't get hungry as often as regular people."

"That's stupid."

"I'm stupid."

"Mimi…" He didn't even know what to say, she was being so irrational it seemed like a pointless conversation. "Please talk to me."

"No." Her cold expression didn't even falter.

"This is fucking stupid."

"I'm fucking stupid." She taunted.

"Will you eat something later?"

"If I feel like it."

"I want to see you eat."

"What like feeding time at the fucking zoo? Go away, Roger."

That similar aching worry was starting to fill him up again. He could barely concentrate on anything anymore, the paranoia was unbearable. The way she looked at him was as if she hated him, she really meant the poison in her voice. One problem replaced by another, one silence swapped for another.

"I'll go then." Roger said. "We're not done."

Mimi shrugged coldly, turning to face away from him. Roger stared at her for a second, her head looking at her feet, her shoulders hunched like she was just as fucking miserable as he was, yet the words that came out of her mouth were breaking his heart.

He left her in the bedroom, met by questioning looks from Maureen and Joanne. He hesitated.

"I'm going out."

"No, Roger!" Maureen pleaded. "What was that about?"

"I just need to get out. I won't be long."

"Should I talk to her?" Maureen asked. "I'm not apologising, though! I haven't done anything wrong."

Roger ignored her, put on his running shoes and started running the second the loft door closed behind him. The aching in his muscles was better than the worrying, the desperate searching for answers. Maybe he didn't want an answer from her, maybe the answer would be worse than the wondering.

Roger ran until his body physically couldn't move anymore. He found a bench, and sat there until he felt he was about to freeze, and then he made the long walk back home. He had been out for hours, despite his promise to Maureen, but all the feeling he had tried to run out of his body was starting to slowly creep back in. He started to run again, this time back home, praying Mimi would be there eating the pizza he didn't stick around long enough to eat himself.

When he finally got back to the loft he was dreading going inside. He took a few seconds to get his breath back, for the first time his body fully realising the pain he had put it through with hours of unprepared running.

Inside the loft looked deserted. Maureen and Joanne had disappeared, kindly leaving the remains of their pizzas behind for someone else to clean up. Mimi would probably still be in the bedroom, but for whatever reason he didn't want to find out.

He went into the bathroom, needing to shower again. He turned on the shower, hoping that there would be enough hot water. He watched the water running for a while, before he finally undressed and stood underneath the stream. The hot water felt good against his aching muscles.

And then out of nowhere he started to cry. He pretended it was just water from the shower, but he couldn't escape the fact that it was his own useless tears. He was a failure. A failed musician, a failed writer and now he had failed Mimi again. The more he tried to block out everything that was weighing on his mind, the worse the problems would get, because of his choice; ignorance was bliss, and so far he had always chosen to be ignorant. It wasn't worth it anymore, he realised, he couldn't keep choosing to block out everything that bothered him. Mimi was worth more than that.

As far as Mimi was concerned it was all so simple, just a case of getting under the problem like a fingernail and a pennyvand isolating it, dealing with it. But it was useless that she said that when he could see her failing to cope, failing to talk, failing to let anyone else help her.

To his horror the bathroom door clicked open. He could barely breathe, but he managed to choke the words "I'm in here."

The door closed again, but he felt something snake around his chest tightly, and saw Mimi's arms around him. He turned to face her, watching her stand with him under the water, fully clothed, not sure if she was crying too if it was just the water from the shower.

She wrapped her arms around him again, pressing her face into his chest and holding him tightly. He could feel from the movements of her body under his arms that she was sobbing.

"I'm sorry Roger." She said into his chest. "I'm really sorry."

He kissed the top of her head, squeezing her frail body even closer. "I'm sorry too."

She sank to her knees, pulling him down with her, this time wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I'm so sorry." She repeated, her face touching his. "I'm so sorry."

"Mimi it's okay." He whispered in response.

She pulled away from him, pulling off her sweater, which was now drenched with water. He watched her undressing, tossing her soaked clothes out onto the bathroom floor.

When she had finished she draped her arms around him once more and kissed him fiercely.

"I'm so sorry, Roger." She mumbled against him.

"Stop saying that."

"I can't."

He had never seen her this way, so distraught and so vulnerable. Mimi sacrificing her control in this way meant a lot- for both of them, but Roger still couldn't understand what any of it meant. He felt her hand trail down his stomach and onto his thigh, where she lingered.

"You really want to do this?"

She kissed him in response, and he shifted into a sitting position, pulling her on top of him, slowly easing into her. She breathed out softly, but this time he didn't think he had hurt her. He wrapped his arms around her again, pressing her body into him.

"I love you."

Her breaths were coming in shallow, soft, high-pitched gasps. Her eyes were hazy, and so close to his he could barely focus on her. He could hardly breathe feeling her hold onto him, feeling her kisses against his jaw and his neck. She let her head fall back as he gently rocked against her, barely moving.

If she didn't enjoy this she put on a really good show. She only broke eye contact when she closed her eyes in pleasure, never removing her hands from him. He kissed her bare shoulders, wet where the shower stream hit them both. Her hands spread over his broad back, gently teasing out the knots and aches he had racked up.

He knew this supposed to be her expression of weakness, her surrendering something to him she had held back for so long. But he couldn't help it. He felt like the weak one.

It wasn't until the two of them had turned off the water and Roger wrapped Mimi in a towel that he noticed. He noticed every bone in her chest, her rib cage, how her pelvic bones were visible on her back and her hip bones jutted out against the towel he stroked against her skin. Her thighs were tiny, smaller than his arms, shaped not like thighs but like twigs forming a v-shape from her knees. He noticed how her elbow flared out and sank in where her upper arm was so thin, and to his horror he found he could fit his hands around her waist. Under the layers of clothes she wore to keep warm, and the darkness she kept the bedroom under, Roger had never seen it before.

And there was a line of dark patches on her skin along her spine that he refused to look at. Because ignorance is bliss.

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** I'm sorry if that seems really, really random. I have been leading up to it for a long time. It was kind of hard to write.**


	19. Physical Strength & Summary

**I decided to post a summary since I have been away for so long.**

Roger is being overprotective of Mimi since her near death experience. Mimi, Mark, Roger and Collins are living in the loft. Mimi was not sleeping and having violent dreams, but they have started to fade.

Mark has met "the perfect woman" but Mimi _thinks _she remembers her from a not-so-perfect past. Mark and Roger argue about the amount of money Mark is spending on his new girlfriend (Sarah).

Mark has found Roger a job as the front man of the house band at a new club. Roger hates the club/music/ much younger band mates but he needs the money, realising that he shouldn't rely on Mark anymore (and he won't let Mimi go back to the Cat Scratch).

Mimi is behaving VERY strangely with mood swings, childish behaviour, arguing pointlessly with just about everyone (EVEN COLLINS!!) and she has developed a sudden hatred for sex which Roger is taking VERY personally.

Collins and Roger have realised that Mimi was attacked during her time on the streets, but neither can get her to talk about it properly.

Mark is spending more and more time away from the loft.

Mimi found an old stray cat (Meowface). Despite Mark's allergies Collins convinced him she should keep it because it would be "good for her"

Mimi is convinced she is healthy, but Collins and Roger think she is getting sicker and getting far too thin.

Roger is finding it hard to cope with Mimi's strange behaviour and has started running obsessively to distract him. He is frustrated at the lack of communication, frustrated with his job, frustrated that he STILL can't seem to write anything and can't seem to figure out his feelings.

Mimi and Roger had an emotional "reunion" in the shower, but what Roger saw freaked him out.

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**Also, to the reviewer 'mofo' the MOVIE is set in the '80s but the show is set in the '90s. Read the RENT bible, listen to all the '90s references in Today 4U and Over the Moon. ****It's definitely the 90s.**

**LONG update to make up for my long absence :)  
**

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Roger had another night barely sleeping, but Mimi slept curled on top of him like a cat. He wanted to get up when he heard Collins' bedroom door open, finally thinking he was ready to talk, but it was impossible to move without waking Mimi. After an agonisingly paranoid few minutes he managed to shift his body so that he could move from underneath her without her waking up.

He was half convinced that Collins would have gone to work by the time he had got into the kitchen, but to his relief he found Collins in his usual morning-zombie state with a coffee and a cigarette.

"Mornin'." He grunted.

Getting up had been the easy part. Talking now seemed like an impossible feat.

"Morning." He poured himself a coffee. "Have you got class today?"

"Yeah."

"What are you teaching?"

"What's up?" Collins asked. "You wouldn't' ask me that unless you're working up to something else, so what is it?"

"Mimi."

"Why…what?" Collins was looking at him with his all-seeing eye. It was always hard to lie to him, but especially when he was looking at you like that. Roger shook his head.

"Come on, Roger. You can do it, buddy. Open up." Collins teased

"We were together…last night, in the shower."

"I don't wanna know that!"

"No…she was so…"

"So what?"

Roger shook his head again. "I dunno."

"Did you get laid, or what?"

"Yeah but…that's not the point."

"Sit down."

Roger sat obediently, but found himself totally unable to speak. Collins looked at him patiently, but it made Roger want to smash his face in and then smash his own face in for even thinking that somehow speaking to Collins would magically make things better.

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does." He sighed. "I have known you for a really long time, and you have never been any good at talking and your not talking has fucked your life up. So you're gonna talk now, if I have to sit here all day, or so help me God…"

"Okay!"

"That's better."

"It's just nothing. Mimi and Maureen had a stupid argument, but it was…Not like Mimi at all. She started it. And then Mimi yelled at me, and I went out. And then I came back to shower, and she just…"

"Yeah I get it."

"She's sick. She's really sick. And she won't do anything."

"And you're just realising this now?"

"No…but last night. In the shower. She was so thin. Like…I can't even describe."

He didn't mention the marks, the dark spots he had glimpsed against her spine because he couldn't face their reality. They might have been shadows. He might have imagined them. All he needed was to stop thinking about them and he would feel better.

"That's because she doesn't eat." Collins said calmly.

"I know."

"Have you talked to her?"

"Yesterday…she nearly ripped Maureen's head off over pizza, and then when I tried to talk to her about it she was like…she was so defensive."

"That sounds about right."

"What do I do? What the hell do I do? Why is she doing it?"

"I wish I knew."

"And she keeps denying it. She's just outright lying to me, even though we both now they're obvious lies. I can't…I don't understand."

"I've tried to talk to her about this a thousand times, Roger, she won't admit it."

"Remember how she said…when we were having our problems a few days ago. She said she felt weak. She said that she felt not in control of herself."

"So…"

"So it's the same fucking thing! She's pretending she doesn't exist…in a physical way. No sex, no drugs, no food. Like she's stronger because of it."

"That's stupid. How is she any stronger? She's weaker than ever."

"No. It makes perfect sense."

When they had slept together the first time after Christmas she had tried so hard not to feel anything, so hard not to feel any physical feeling. She had refused to relax, refused to enjoy it. All the time she had been constricting herself, squeezing through tiny windows, in tiny cupboards, becoming as insubstantial as possible.

"What are you going to do about it, Roger? You can't sit on your ass anymore."

"What can I do? She won't fucking talk to me!" He felt like he was in some kind of dream world, totally unable to concentrate on anything but this abstract concept of Mimi-past and Mimi-present and the thoughts in between he couldn't figure out.

"Don't give up." Collins advised him. "She'll get angry; she'll probably say anything she can just hurt you but she doesn't mean it. Don't let her get to you, no matter what she does. Don't back down."

"I won't…"

"You want me to do it?"

"No."

He meant _YES_, but he knew that was the wrong answer. He knew that he had to face up to the responsibility himself, or nothing would ever change.

Roger left his coffee untouched and went back into the bedroom, pulled Mimi back onto him and finally fell asleep. When Mimi woke up she had no idea that Roger had left her alone for those brief few minutes, and no idea that he hadn't slept all night.

Roger had gone running. Running was a different kind of pain. Running made him stronger. The weaker Mimi became the stronger he needed to be. There was no need to think about her when there was so much out there on the streets. He wondered if that was how Mark used to think, if filming the pigeons somehow made Mark forget about Maureen, forget about everyone else's AIDS.

When he finally came home he _was_ stronger. He was exhausted but somehow reenergised, stronger and powerful. Mimi was waiting for him, with dark eyes and a cynical, old lady's expression on her face.

"Have you been running again?" She laughed, and the old lady melted away and left behind the inncoent girl that had been slowly replacing the fierce Mimi he used to know. "You're obsessed. What are you jealous of those kids from your band? You want to be the pretty one again?"

"Is Mark home?"

"No, he went out. He left me all alone, are you going to kill him?" She grinned.

"Sit down."

Mimi's face fell. Roger was making no attempt to hide the serious expression on his face.

"What?" She asked carefully, not sitting.

"We need to talk." He had rehearsed this in his head yet it still felt dangerous. "You won't like it, and you'll yell at me, and you'll punish me, and you'll say really fucked up things, probably, but there's nothing you can say now that is gonna make me stop."

"What?" She asked fearfully.

"What do you mean, what? How do you not know what? Mimi you're a walking bag of bones, and either you are sick and dying and need a doctor or you are not eating. I can't…"

"Shut up."

"No, Mimi. I can't let you keep doing this."

"I'm not doing anything!" She shrieked. "Why do you never leave me alone? Why are you always on my case about this stuff? I am _fine_."

"Because I love you." He said fiercely. "You are hurting yourself, and I don't understand and I can't watch it anymore. I need to do _something_. I am going to help you, whether you like it or not."

"No…you're not. You're just going to frustrate me."

"Mimi… Explain it to me."

"There's nothing to explain."

"That's not true." He looked at her long and hard, waiting for her to say something, but she didn't. "Mimi." He could feel his temper start to slide, not as much anger as sadness, frustration.

"Roger, please stop."

"You know, don't you? You know what you're doing and you're doing it anyway."

"I'm fine."

"Why do you keep lying to me?" His temper was starting to get out of control, but he couldn't stop himself now. "You're always lying to me. You let me believe you were sleeping with Benny just so you could get high, and you're lying to me again, even after what happened. Tell me the fucking truth."

"Fuck off, Roger."

"Why is that all you ever say to me? I'm starting to think it's because you know damn well I am right. Grow up, Mimi. I need to talk to you seriously without you behaving like a fucking child."

"Fuck off, Roger." She repeated venomously, and turned to leave, but he caught her arm.

"Sit." Roger said fiercely.

"You can't control me." She said calmly. "You have no rights over me so you had better let go of me, NOW."

Roger let her arm go, but before he could do anything more she was off like a shot outside.

"Mimi! Mimi, wait!" He screamed after her, but she was out of his sight before he even hit the street.

Failed again. Even though he could have predicted her every word he still let it bother him, he still lost his temper and lost control.

He went back up to the apartment and into the shower. The first girl he had ever really cared about had left him right there, in the tub under his feet. And now the second girl was killing herself too, but this was crueller. She was forcing him to watch her slow death and not letting him do a damn thing.

He half expected that she would never come back, just like when she had disappeared months ago and he thought he would never see her again. He half _hoped_ this time that it was true. At least this way he wouldn't be _able_ to watch or deal with it or feel responsible.

By the time Collins got home Roger had been drunk, sobered up a little, cried, drunk some more, cried again, and now was sobering up again.

"It went bad, I take it." Was the first thing Collins said.

Roger didn't even care how obvious it was that he had cried. Maybe he would later, but now he didn't give a shit.

"She ran out." Roger said bitterly. "I tried really damn hard to deal with her, but she ran out."

"How long ago?"

"Hours. She didn't take her coat either, so it's all okay. Problem solved. She'll have pneumonia or something if she ever comes back. I'd rather watch her die of pneumonia than this."

"Roger…" Collins began, but Roger wanted to punch his face in again and went into his room instead, sitting on the window ledge and looking out onto the street at the people walking past. After about half an hour he could see Mimi, a big Range Rover trailing her. It didn't surprise him. Why _wouldn't_ she run off to Benny? She probably only did it to hurt him.

He didn't even look at her when she came inside, but she perched next to him and pressed her face against his like nothing had happened.

"I don't want to fight with you." She whispered, as if nothing at all had happened.

"I don't want to look at you." He turned to look at her anyway.

"Please can we not fight?"

"Then we need to talk about this properly. Without shouting, without running out, without lies. Can you handle that?" He asked coldly.

"Yes." She whispered, and hesitated. "But now I just want to be with you, just us. Come on." She took his hand and pulled him onto the bed. "You're drunk aren't you?"

"No." Roger lied.

Mimi grinned. "I love drunk Roger." She started to pull off his shirt.

"Are you crazy?" He said fiercely. Of all the times she could do this, now was not good.

"I know you think I am. I think I'm just impulsive. And I love you." She pressed a kiss against his neck. "Even when you don't want to believe it, I love you. There's nothing you can do about that."

"Give it up."

"What?" She was still grinning.

"Just stop."

"I just want to be with you, Roger."

"You have to start behaving like an adult, then."

"I'm not arguing with you now." She said firmly, planting a few kisses on his stomach, but she stopped and settled her head down onto his chest.

"I really worry about you."

"You don't have to." She whispered. "I've always been able to take care of myself, you know that."

"You've been through a lot of shit, Meems. You don't have to be strong all the time."

"I'm fine."

"You're just gonna keep saying that aren't you?"

"It's true."

"Can't you see where I'm coming from, though? Can't you see that you look like death?"

Mimi sat up sharply. "I'm not gonna stay here whilst you insult me."

"I'm not trying to insult you; I'm trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in your head."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, you said that already."

"Well it's true. I don't know why you always want us to have problems. You're not happy unless you're yelling at me over something. It's really fucked up."

"I'm not doing it for fun, Mimi, you're really scaring us all."

"Maybe if you had a life of your own you could stop obsessing over mine."

Roger was speechless for a second. That hurt more than he expected. Mimi took the silence as an opportunity to leave the bedroom.

"He still drunk?" Collins asked casually when she came into the living room.

"And crazy." Mimi said sullenly. "Where the hell is Mark?"

"I dunno."

"He went out ages ago."

"He's still out. What's up with Roger?"

"He's an angry, mean drunk. I'm gonna let him sleep it off or something, just so long as he leaves me alone."

"What happened?"

Mimi pulled a disgusted face. "Nothing to do with you."

"Meems, he's seriously…"

"Don't you dare start with me too! I am NOT in the mood."

"I don't even know you anymore." Collins said despondently. "You're like a totally different person."

Mimi didn't say anything, she was too angry to find the words. Collins watched her fighting for words, trying to compose herself and found sympathy for her suddenly.

"Mimi, you have to understand why we're worried." He said.

"No! I don't! I don't understand why you don't just leave me alone!"

"You really don't?" Collins said sceptically. "You're not stupid, Meems, you must know how fucking awful you look. Look, we know you're sick. We don't understand why you won't let anybody help you."

"I'm taking AZT what more do you expect me to do?"

"I'm not talking about that, and you know it."

"Please, not this eating thing again." Mimi groaned. "It never ends with you guys. You're always looking for something new to attack me for. It's getting really old."

"I suppose you're gonna to tell me I'm imaging your fucking bones…"

"Oh for God's sake!"

"Freaky coloured skin, bags under your eyes, thin hair." Collins continued. Mimi rolled her eyes. "You're not healthy, Mimi." He said angrily. "If you are eating properly, and I know you're not, but even if I'm wrong something is obviously wrong _with you_. Just see a doctor and stop making us have to go through this _again_, when it's so fucking pointless."

_That_ hurt. Mimi knew he was talking about Angel. She couldn't even look at him, it hurt so much. He saw her eyes searching the floor, filling with tears.

"Please." He added, a simple plea. The anger completely gone.

Mimi swallowed hard. "I'm fine." She didn't meet his eyes.


	20. Rehab with Benny

**Another long update.**

**Tell me if I'm making these too long I never know where to cut them. PLEASE review if you read it. I need feedback good, bad or neutral.  
**

* * *

A long while later, after Collins had gone to bed and after Mark had come home (bringing Sarah with him and immediately disappearing into his bedroom) Roger came into the kitchen. 

It was dark. Mimi was looking out onto the fire escape, rhythmically stroking Meowface. She watched Roger without speaking as he made himself a sandwich and tore into it like an animal. He watched her too, every bite directed at her.

"You're a pig." Mimi said coldly, turning back to the window.

Roger shrugged and finished eating sulkily. He wanted to ask Mimi to come to bed, but he couldn't, so he went to bed alone instead.

The next morning when Roger came back into the living room Mimi was gone.

_One day I'll buy her a cellphone, and I don't care if she calls me possessive or controlling, I'll always know where she is…_

"Morning." Mark said smugly, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Roger hadn't even noticed Mark sitting there, Sarah on his lap. They were feeding each other pancakes, it really was a disgusting display.

"Have you seen Mimi?" Roger asked, his eyes returning to her seat at the fire escape.

"No since yesterday evening." Mark said. "Why, where is she?"

"If I knew that I wouldn't be asking you." Roger snapped, not that Mark was listening, he was too busy concentrating on Sarah's not-very-accidental spillage of maple syrup.

"You got pancakes?" Roger asked distractedly.

"Sarah made them. She really is a great cook."

"You seen Collins?"

"No."

"Well is he up?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him."

Roger sighed. He went to Collins' room but he wasn't there. He hoped Mimi and Collins were together, but he knew that it was too much to hope for.

"I'm gonna go find her." Roger said. "If she comes back will you tell her to stay put?"

Mark didn't say anything, still focused on superwoman and her super-pancakes.

"Mark!" He snapped.

"Yes, I will." Mark said. A concerned expression spread across his face and he opened his mouth to say something, but Sarah took his chin in her hand and moved his face back to focus on her.

Roger put on his jacket and headed down the stairs, but didn't get far. The door to Mimi's old apartment was open a little way. He looked inside, and to his relief he saw Mimi, sitting at her fire escape exactly as she had been last night.

"Meems." He ventured softly. She smiled awkwardly at him. "What are you doing down here?"

"Don't shut the door, Rog, we'll get locked in."

"How did you get in?" He came to sit by her.

"Credit card in the door. It's a good trick."

"You have a credit card?" Roger asked.

Mimi laughed. "No, it's old. You'll laugh."

"What?"

"It's Angel's mom's old card. When we were younger me and Angel used to play shopping. Monopoly money never did cut it for Angel. I kept the card all this time, just…I dunno, memories I guess."

Roger laughed softly. "I can imagine you two."

Mimi grinned, pulling his arm around her shoulders. "I wish I could go back in time."

Roger kissed her hand, and pulled her to her feet. "Come on, lets go back upstairs where it's warmer. Mark and Sarah are one big PDA, it's fucking disgusting."

Mimi grinned again. "I bet that's how he felt about us at first."

Roger shrugged. "I'm selfish. I bet we could out-do them."

"Ooh a challenge." Mimi lit up. "You think Mark is competitive enough?"

"_She _is." Roger laughed. "She'll play even if he doesn't realise there's a game."

"Aww, poor Mark." Mimi giggled.

"Come on." He took her hand and pulled her back upstairs, pulling her close and kissing her as they went into the apartment. Mimi stopped him when they got inside; Mark and Sarah were gone.

"That plan's out of the window, then." She smiled.

"Listen." Roger said. A loud groan came from Mark's room. "I can't believe they're at it again. I didn't know he had that kind of stamina."

"What, you jealous?" Mimi teased.

"It's quality that counts, not quantity." Roger grinned.

Collins came home at around 1pm, carrying tonnes of groceries.

"It was your turn to get them, Roger." He growled.

"We went yesterday but Mo convinced us to have a party instead so she could meet Sarah, blame her." Mimi laughed.

"You wanna get up off your ass and help me?" Collins said, struggling through the doorway.

Roger grinned at Mimi and went to help him.

"Who ate my chips?" Collins said fiercely.

"That was me." Roger said.

"Should have guessed."

Mimi sighed. "I'm going to get changed. I've been wearing these clothes since forever."

"So?" Collins asked, as soon as she was gone.

Roger shrugged. "Good, right now."

"Man, I'm happy for you."

"Yeah, she was down in her old apartment. She broke in there with Angel's mom's old credit card. She said she kept it from when she used to play shopping with Angel when they were kids."

Collins laughed. "Just keep her happy."

"I'll try."

Roger went to join Mimi in their bedroom. She was standing in front of their open wardrobe in her underwear. He sat on the bed silently. In the light, without the steam from the shower her body was even more shocking, it made him _hurt_. She turned, searching through the clothes on the other side. From this angle Roger could see those dark marks along her bony spine even more clearly. He stared silently, his stomach sinking. She turned back to the other side after a few seconds.

"Mimi, turn around again."

"What? Why?"

He didn't wait for her to turn, but he took hold of her hips and pulled her towards him, turning her around so she had her back to him.

"What are you doing, Rog?" She laughed unsurely.

Roger had forgotten Collins' warning by now, he couldn't bury his head in the sand anymore.

"Collins, get in here!" Roger called.

"Roger I'm trying to get dressed." She said, annoyed now.

"It's just Collins." He ran a finger down her prominent spine softly.

Collins let himself in "What is it?" He stopped in the doorway, not hiding the surprise on his face when he saw Mimi.

"What is this?" Roger asked gliding his finger down her spine again.

"This is great." Mimi said bleakly. "Really great."

"Shut up, Mimi, don't move."

Collins moved closer, stooping to look where Roger's finger was. "They're bruises, Roger." He looked up at him seriously.

"Oh…okay." Roger looked relieved.

"Have you finished yet?" Mimi demanded impatiently.

"Yeah." Roger said quietly, letting his hands drop from her sides.

"What's up with you, Roger?" She demanded, turning around to face him, hands on her hips.

"I just thought I saw something."

She waited for him to say something more, but when he didn't she went back to finish dressing.

"Mimi what have you been doing to get bruised like that?" Collins asked.

"What?" She twisted around in front of the mirror trying to see them. "I don't know…I bruise easily I guess, I have them all over."

"You think that's healthy?"

"They're just bruises, for God's sake. Don't think I don't know what you thought they were, Roger." She said miserably.

"Roger's a dumbfuck, ignore what he thought." Collins said. Roger didn't even twitch. "I don't like it Mimi."

"So…" She pulled a face. "You boys just like finding things to stress out about."

"You keep saying that! It' not just that though is it, Mimi? You're covered in bruises, you're always cold, your skin has changed _colour _and you have bones sticking out all over the place."

She shook her head, not looking at either of them.

"Stop pretending now. I mean it."

"Fuck off, Collins."

"See that just tells me you I know I'm right."

"Well it shouldn't. It should tell you that you need to shut the fuck up and stop being such an old man."

"Mimi." Roger pleaded desolately. "You know he's right."

"Well what difference does it make? You think I'm getting sicker, I think I'm getting better but either way talking about it all the time isn't helping it's just really fucking stressful."

"Mimi, honey, please let us help you."

"How? Bubblewrap me so I won't bruise?"

"Just _EAT_ something." Collins said. Mimi stared at him solemnly. "No? Is that too much to ask? If you think you have the right to do this to _yourself _when there are plenty of good people who died and didn't deserve it" He shook his head angrily. "I can't even fucking look at you." He stormed out of the room and the front door slammed a few moments later.

"He didn't mean it." Roger said after a second.

"Yeah he did." She said quietly.

"Mimi…"

"I'm fine." She hissed, pulling on the first sweater she found.

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are! Do you think we're all stupid?"

"Just leave me alone."

"No." He shook his head. "I _can't_. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could fucking leave you alone and not give a damn, it'd make this whole situation a lot fucking easier."

"Go away." He didn't move. "Go away, go away, go away!"

She shoved him roughly and left him sitting alone on the bed. She was shaking with anger. She stormed out of the loft, slamming the door behind her and going back into her old apartment. She thought about closing the door so that Roger couldn't follow her, but changed her mind. When he was ready to apologise for _humiliating_ her she would be there, ready and waiting.

It wasn't Roger who came to her first, though, after a good half an hour, maybe even more when she was just beginning to regret not bringing her coat she heard footsteps and turned to see Collins. His apology would be as good as any. Using Angel against her the way he had was unforgivable, and surely Collins would know that.

"Present for you, Mimi." Collins said coldly, throwing her a bag. "One a day." He added.

She didn't open it until he left. Multivitamins. She couldn't pin down the feeling that washed over her, sadness or anger or guilt. Probably guilt, she realised.

"Roger, get out of that room." Collins said, banging on the door.

Roger came out. "What do you want me to say?"

"You thought they were fucking lesions." Collins said angrily.

"I didn't see them properly." Roger said miserably. "I'm sorry."

"She's doing this to herself, Roger! This has nothing to do with the virus, this all her, some self-indulgent, self-inflicted bull shit and it _has_ to stop."

"I know."

It would be easier that way. Roger hated himself for thinking it, but he knew he would rather she died of AIDS, something unavoidable, something he had prepared himself for sometime in the future. This was a slow suicide. This was as unnecessary as April's suicide. Whatever _this_ was.

Roger wasn't sure he had ever seen Collins so angry. Collins was almost shaking with anger, his shoulders heaving with rage.

"Why haven't you _done_ anything?" He said angrily. "You act like you've only just noticed. She didn't get this thin overnight, Roger. How could you even look at her?"

"I don't know." Roger was convinced Collins was going to hit him. He felt like an ashamed little dog who had peed on the floor and was getting punished for it.

There was a loud knock on the door. Neither Collins or Roger moved. There was another, louder knock.

"Come on guys, open up." Benny's voice.

Roger ran to the door, as if all of Collins' anger had transferred to him. He wanted to rip off Benny's head. Collins shook his head and went into his room.

"Mimi doesn't want to see you, Benny, so fuck off." Roger yelled through the door.

"I'm here for you, not her." Benny said, more softly.

"Fuck off."

"I mean it, man, I need to talk to you."

Roger opened the door and glared at Benny. Benny ignored him and took a seat, brushing off the sofa as if it was filthy.

"Where is she?" He asked.

"Her apartment. No she's not living there before you start asking for rent. She still lives here. So long as Mimi's here we're rent free, you said. Not that you ever stick to your promises."

"I wasn't going to ask." He said seriously. "I'm glad she isn't here. I need to talk to you."

"What?" Roger said darkly.

"Sit down."

Roger glared at him, moving closer but not sitting.

"She needs help."

"She has us." He said fiercely, finally sitting.

"I know that. Is she getting any better at all?"

"We're helping her."

"That's not an answer."

"I don't know." Roger said miserably.

"She's really thin."

"Well observed."

"Stop being an asshole. Why is she so thin? Is she taking her AZT? Is she still seeing a doctor?"

"I suppose Benny's wallet wants to come to the rescue again. Don't bother she won't see a doctor."

"Why?"

"How should I know?" He snapped.

"Don't you talk?" Benny said impatiently.

"What is it to you? You'd love it wouldn't you? If I said things were rough between us? Well they're not. They're good. We're happy. We don't need you."

"I'm not talking about happiness I'm talking about health."

"So."

"I'm serious, Roger, the last time I saw her she scared the hell out of me."

"I saw you." Roger snapped. "I saw you driving along the street after her."

"Nothing happened."

"I know!" Roger had to struggle not to hit him.

"Good. I saw her out on the street, she looked like death, I offered her a ride but she wouldn't take me up on it. She's got this crazy idea that you'll get mad at her."

"Just fuck off, Benny, we don't need you."

"Roger!" He gritted his teeth, struggling to keep cool. "I'm not here to help you. I'm here to help her. I will pay for any goddamn thing she needs, okay? Stop being so proud. It's not your health you're fucking with it's hers."

"What do you want me to do? Drag her there kicking and screaming?"

"Good evening Mr Coffin." Collins said from the doorway of his room. "How may we help you? Slumming it tonight?"

Benny grinned. "My wallet is here to come to the rescue as soon as I know what you need."

Collins sat. "Well I could use some new shoes."

Roger wanted to hit them both. How could Collins go from so fucking angry to making a joke out of this?

Benny laughed. "I'm talking about Mimi."

"I know." Collins sighed. "Have you talked to Mimi?"

"No. She won't talk to me she's terrified of what Roger will do. So I'm asking you. What the hell's going on with her?"

"All is fine in Mimi land. She doesn't need help. She is getting better." Collins said, mimicking Mimi's well rehearsed speech.

"What can I do?"

"Roger?" Collins said firmly.

"What?" He snapped. "What do you want me to say?"

Collins shrugged. "She takes her AZT. That's not the problem."

"So what is?" Benny asked as Roger and Collins exchanged looks. "WHAT?"

"She's not eating." Collins said calmly.

"She's not eating?" Benny repeated dumbly.

Collins shrugged again. "She says she is."

"But she's not."

"No."

"Why?"

Neither Roger nor Collins answered. Roger's anger was fading. He was starting to feel blank, numb as if this was a dream world.

"We can do something." Benny said finally. "At least get her to a doctor."

"I told you, she won't go."

"One Alison's cousins got treatment for anorexia at a clinic in the city. She's healthy now. It's a good place."

"I bet you will." Roger seethed. "She's not some fucking, rich, over-privileged bitch trying to piss off daddy this is..."

"I know that." Benny cut in. "But if she has a problem...they can help."

"No thanks."

"Roger…" Collins said bleakly. "Don't write it off."

"We can help her."

"How? It seems to me like whatever you're doing isn't working."

"So what? You expect me to send her off to be someone else's problem? She'll never go. Not in a million years."

"I'm going to drive down there. See what they can do." Benny said seriously.

"This has nothing to do with you, Benny, so fuck off."

"It has as much to do with me as it does you. Look I came here to find out what is wrong, and now I know I am going to do something about it whether you're on board or not."

"I'll come with you." Collins said. "But you should go, Roger."

Roger _knew_ he should go, but that didn't make it any easier. Going anywhere with Benny was like admitting he was failing her, admitting he wasn't good enough, but of course the Coffin wallet was always the answer. The frustration was building in him, he was sure he wouldn't be able to control it much longer.

"Fine. I'll go." He said finally. "I'll check the place out. I'll see what they have to say but that is all, okay? I'm not agreeing to anything."

"Come on, then." Benny said, standing.

"Now?"

"No time like the present."

"What about Mimi?" He hesitated.

"I'll be here." Collins said, pushing him out of the door. "I'll make some excuse if she comes back before you do."

"Don't talk to me." Roger said fiercely as he got into Benny's Range Rover.

"You're such an asshole."

"Shut up, I said."

"Fine."

Roger regretted it because the silence was deadly. Benny had always been ambitious and always been driven. Now he was driving Roger around and making all the decisions and his determination was directed at Mimi. His Mimi. Roger hated him and Roger resented him, but he knew he was right. He felt like it should have been him in the driver's seat, making the decisions and fighting for Mimi's health, and he was starting to hate himself too.

"Maybe it's not anorexia." Roger said finally, as Benny pulled up into a car park. "People like Mimi don't get anorexic."

"Maybe. They'll know. They're professionals, they'll be able to diagnose something."

"Yeah. If she goes. Maybe she won't need to."

"Maybe."

The clinic somehow reminded Roger of Benny's apartment. Modern, light, and expensive. He hated it. He hated the thought of Mimi having to be there, and the kind of rich, spoilt pathetic people she would be with. Everything was white and clean – not hospital clean- yuppie clean. Clean as a style statement. Clean as in without character.

"Can I help you?" A receptionist said.

Roger should have said something but he didn't.

"My… His girlfriend. We think she's anorexic." Benny cast a careful glance at Roger, but Roger was staring at his feet and didn't look up. "She's not eating and she's really thin. We just need to know what you can do and how much you can do without her consent."

"Without her consent we can't do anything unless she is sectioned. Won't she come here herself?"

"No. She won't admit she has a problem, but if you saw her…she's really sick. Suppose we get her to come here, you can't do anything?"

"We can to talk to her and if her case is severe enough we can section her ourselves. Better yet if you can get her to sign herself in we can start some treatment if it is necessary." She handed Benny an envelope and cast an eye up and down Roger's untidy form. "I have to warn you treatment does not come cheap."

"Money's no object." Benny said seriously. "So if we bring her here? You'll do something?"

"If need be. She'll need to be assessed."

"Okay. That's good. Roger?"

Roger shrugged.

"Okay. Thanks. When can we come back?"

"We're about to close up for the night but you can bring her tomorrow. Any time between nine am and eight pm."

"Okay. Thanks."

"What is her name?"

"Mimi. Marquez."

"What do you estimate her weight to be?"

"She can't weigh much more than eighty pounds."

Roger looked up sharply at those words. He couldn't even imagine eighty pounds. But when he thought about it…she had always been too thin, and then she got sick and then she lost even more weight. Eighty pounds sounded fucking unspeakable but not at all unrealistic. Eighty pounds. Maybe even fucking less. It wouldn't surprise him now.

"How long has she seemed to have a problem?" The receptionist asked, without looking at Roger.

"She got really sick in November or December. I don't know. She wasn't…and then she went to the hospital but she instead of gaining weight she just lost more and she doesn't eat anything." Roger answered.

"She's HIV positive." Benny said.

"I see." The receptionist's expression changed. "Does she take medication?"

"AZT."

"As I said she'll have to be assessed to make sure this is an eating disorder."

"It's not AIDS." Roger said firmly. "That's not why she's so thin, it's not."

"Bring any time during the week." The receptionist said sharply.

"We will." Benny said.

"Goodnight."

Neither of them spoke until they reached the car.

"Eighty pounds." Roger said dumbly.

"Maybe even fucking less."

"She fit through the bathroom window. That was weeks ago."

"It doesn't surprise me."

"Remember that time I threw all the toilet paper out of the window just before you went to take a dump."

Benny laughed. "How could I forget?"

"Well?" Collins whsipered when Roger trudged back into the apartment. "I thought you'd be a lot longer than that."

"Where is she?"

"The shower."

"They said to bring her in. They will assess her. They were so happy to help until Benny mentioned HIV and then suddenly it was like…we're fucking lepers."

"So you'll take her there?"

"How?"

"I dunno."

"They gave us a form for her to sign but if she doesn't they can force her, if we can get her there."

"You should talk to her."

"Maybe. It's fucking horrible. It's like one of those clean, white pretentious apartments. She'll hate it. They had a plant in the reception that probably cost more than my guitar."

"Your guitar…Roger…I…" The bathroom door opened cutting him off.

"Roger?" Mimi sang happily.

"Yeah."

"Did you get one?"

"What?"

"A string."

She came out into the living room and held his guitar up. One of the strings had been snapped right through the middle. Collins looked guiltily at him, but so innocent Roger was almost ready to laugh.

"Oh…no. They didn't have any."

"You'll have to get one tomorrow." She wrapped her arms around him softly. He tried not to feel the bones in her back. Another moodswing, another argument forgotten and thrown out of the window.

"I'm going to hit the hay guys." Collins said.

"Us too."

"Goodnight."

* * *


	21. Trust

In the morning when Roger was putting his shoes on for his ritual run Collins was at the table with a book, but he came over.

"Listen, man, I'm sorry I was an ass last night." Collins said quietly. Roger shrugged. "No, I shouldn't have lost it like that."

"It's fine. You were right."

"I shouldn't have reacted that way." There was an awkward pause. "So, what was it like at the clinic?"

"Just like I said. They said they'd take a look at her but they're not promising anything."

"How are you gonna get her there?"

Roger shrugged helplessly. "Maybe she won't need to go, maybe…"

"Roger…" Collins warned.

"Look, we're not fighting now, and I really don't wanna fuck things up."

"You can't ignore this."

"I'm not." Roger sighed. "I'll talk to her. If I broach the subject carefully…" He shook his head, knowing there was not a damn thing in the world that could convince her. He knew that there was a good chance he would have to lie to her to even get her near the place. He had a vague hope that she would suddenly start eating and he wouldn't have to go back there, but he knew that was unlikely. He knew what he had to do.

"So what did Benny say?" Collins asked.

"Money's no object. He's like a fucking broken record."

After Roger had returned from work, pissed off and frustrated by the crowd, the rest of the band…just about everything the last thing he wanted to come home to was Mark and Sarah making out on the sofa. He went into his room. Mimi was there, looking through old photos with Angel's blond wig perched untidily on her head. She looked happy. She lovingly placed another of Angel's wigs onto Roger's head as he came to join her. She made him feel a thousand times better.

There was a knock at the door, a familiar laugh, and the door flew open. "Pookie, you don't have to knock here, it's open house!" Maureen said, pushing Joanne inside the loft.

"Hey Maureen." Mark muttered.

"Hello, Marky!" Maureen grinned, kissing him swiftly on the cheek and perching on the arm of the sofa. "Where's your Siamese twin? You two had a tiff?"

"She's in the bathroom."

"I should have known she'd be here."

"Can't you be happy for me?"

"I _am_ happy for you." Maureen insisted. "I'm only teasing."

"Don't."

Maureen sighed spectacularly. "Well, we were bored at home so we thought we'd come here for a change of scenery. I wanted to see who is easier to piss off: you or Roger."

"That's nice." Mark said monotonously, picking up the paper from the floor and flicking through it.

"Look at this, Jo, he's trying to look nonchalant. It's kinda cute."

Joanne sighed in sympathy. "Is everyone else home?"

"Yep." Mark said simply.

"We'd better say hi, let them know we're here."

"Maureen, they _know_ we're here, you've been squealing since we got here. They're probably avoiding you." Joanne said wearily.

Maureen opened her mouth, pretending to be offended and laughed it off. "Roger! Mimi! Collins! You have visitors!" She sang loudly.

"Are Mimi and Roger okay? It was really tense the last time we were here." Joanne asked Mark, sitting on the couch with him.

"Oh yeah! I forgot about that! Mimi was totally crazy. Did she tell you about it, Mark?" She shoved him when he didn't answer immediately. He tensed up, trying not to show his annoyance. "Did she tell you, Marky? She yelled at me because I wanted to order pizza. God, I'm starving."

"Collins went shopping." Mark muttered.

"I don't wanna cook. Lets order out again." Maureen said.

"Not pizza _again_." Joanne groaned. "That'll be three times this week."

"Fine, Pookie. Chinese? Or sushi! Mark, have you ever tried sushi? Joanne took me to a sushi bar last week, it was crazy. Did you know sushi is _raw_ fish? It's better than it sounds but it takes a while to get over it. You want to order sushi, Mark? Can you order sushi over the phone or do you have to go to a bar?"

"Ooh sushi?" Sarah said, coming back into the living room. "I _love_ sushi!"

"We're about to order some!" Maureen said excitedly. "Will you tell your boyfriend to stop being such a grouchy old asshole?!"

"Maureen, will you just shut up?!" Mark said angrily. "God you never stop do you?"

"See what I mean!" Maureen laughed. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"It's you, you're driving me insane!"

"That's not what you used to say. I love this, it's like you've replaced one infatuation with another. He does this all the time, Sarah. He has an addictive personality or something."

"Are we ordering or not?" Joanne cut in.

"Yes. You decide, Pookie, I can't figure out what all those Japanese names mean. Order some for everyone, we can have a sushi party!"

"So is everything a party with you, Maureen?" Sarah asked brightly.

"What can I say? I liven things up around here. You might wanna work on Mark, though, he shouldn't be the glum chum anymore now he is_finally_ over me."

Mark opened his mouth to protest, but Maureen sprang up off the sofa and went to Roger's bedroom door, hammering on it. "Come on, you two, aren't you even going to say hi?" She called, dashing over to Collins' room and doing the same thing.

Collins came to the door a little bleary eyed. "Uh, hey Maureen." He grunted. "Didn't hear you come in."

"See, Pookie!" Maureen grinned at Joanne. "She said I was squealing. We're having a sushi party, you think you can get out of the hash haze to join us?"

Collins laughed. "Yeah gimme a second."

Mimi and Roger shuffled out of their room, Roger's arms firmly clamped around Mimi's waist.

"Hey Maureen." Mimi said.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

"Fine. Just tired." Mimi settled down onto the sofa by Joanne, taking out a cigarette and her lighter. She tried a few times to light the cigarette but couldn't get the lighter to work. She raised her arm up to throw it across the room, but Joanne took it from her and lit it for her. "Thanks."

"Are you okay, honey? Last time I saw you there was the whole pizza argument."

"Yeah I'm fine. That was stupid. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise to me." Joanne said. "You know I love it when anyone yells at Maureen." She whispered. Mimi grinned. "We've got sushi on the way."

"Sushi?"

"Yeah, it's Japanese."

"I know what it is." Mimi said. "Why?"

"It's Maureen's new thing. She thinks it's classy." Joanne rolled her eyes.

When the sushi arrived Roger couldn't take his eyes off Mimi, watching her every move. When Maureen offered Mimi some she eyed it suspiciously. "Did you order anything that isn't going to give us salmonella?" She laughed nervously.

"You know, it's full of protein?" Collins said, wolfing it down.

"So?"

"So it goes straight to your muscles. Low fat, low carb. All that shit." Collins repeated. Mimi gave him a poisonous look. "I'm just saying."

"Ooh I should eat it more often." Maureen said, patting her stomach.

Joanne rolled her eyes. "That was the most blatant attempt at fishing for compliments I've ever seen."

"So, deliver then." Maureen grinned.

"Oh, Honeybear. You don't need to lose weight; you don't have an ounce of fat on you!" Joanne laughed dramatically.

"We should have ordered pizza." Maureen said. "Fill Mimi up on carbs, keep her warm when her Roger sweater's at work. How is work, Rog?"

"Full of pretentious losers." Roger said simply.

Mimi glared over in Collins' direction. His obvious attempt to convince her to eat it made her all the more determined not to touch it. It was the principle. Luckily for her Sarah and Maureen were unsuccessfully trying to force feed Mark some bizarre sushi roll and all attention was on them.

"This is disgusting!" Mark groaned, standing up. "I'm going to my room."

"I'll come with you." Sarah laughed.

"Don't disturb us." Mark said fiercely. "Just don't bother. I don't care if the building is burning down, just leave us alone."

"Come on." Sarah grinned, taking his hand. Mark's expression softened. "This has been fun, Maureen, you should come 'round more often!"

The second the door was closed Maureen's face turned into a scowl. "Who the_fuck_ does she think she is?" She hissed. "Inviting _me_ here, like she owns the place! I _hate _her."

"You do not." Joanne protested. "You were having fun."

"That bitch, she's so fake! I know she hates me and she still acted like we were best friends. Who is friends with their ex's new partner? It's impossible."

Collins grinned at Joanne from across the room, reaching for Mark's uneaten sushi and devouring it. Classic Maureen. She had conveniently forgotten how close Joanne and Mark were. Roger took up Mark's vacated seat next to Mimi.

"Okay?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah fine."

"You're not gonna eat that?"

Mimi shook her head, watching him warily.

"Okay." Roger sighed.

"Okay?"

"What can I do?" Roger sighed. "I can't force you."

Mimi started to feel that same wrenching guilt again. If he had yelled at her it would be easy. She could yell back, storm out, hate him for a while. The sad, lost expression on his face hurt her deeply. She got to her feet and the dull feeling spread to her head turning into black, prickling heat and suddenly she couldn't see anymore.

Roger was up in a flash, catching her in his arms.

"Oh shit." Collins groaned.

"Mimi!?" Maureen shrieked.

"It's okay. She just fainted." Roger said softly.

"What's going on?" Joanne asked.

"Roger and I need to borrow your car for a while, is that okay?" Collins asked slowly.

"No, it's not okay." Joanne said. "What is going on?"

Roger shook his head at Collins. "Not yet." He said hoarsely. "We can't leave now."

"We need to get Mimi to a doctor." Collins said. "_Now_, Roger." He added firmly.

"What's wrong?" Maureen asked. "What is it?"

Roger and Collins exchanged looks, neither knowing what to say. Roger wasn't ready; he hadn't prepared himself to do this. _Not yet_. He knew there was no way that clinic would look at Mimi and say she didn't need their help. He knew if he took Mimi there she would be staying there for God knows how long; he had no idea if she would ever forgive him. All he could do was shake his head and try to force words out, but it was goddamn impossible.

"Roger!" Maureen demanded.

He couldn't make this decision. He wasn't capable of risking everything on this.

"Roger…" Collins urged.

She would never forgive him.

"Roger?" Joanne asked.

He didn't_know_. How should he know? If he sent her there he could lose her forever…if he didn't… he _would_ lose her forever. Her body couldn't take much more of this. She would die.

"Get me the form." He said, in barely a whisper.

Collins was off in a second, retrieving the big white envelope from his room where he and Roger had decided to stash it; somewhere Mimi would never go uninvited.

"Roger?!" Maureen pleaded. "What is going on?"

"You want me to come with you?" Collins asked.

_YES_. He couldn't do this alone.

"No." He croaked, that stupid half-voice again. When Mimi came around she would no doubt be angry. If Mimi came around with both himself and Collins she would be humiliated.

"What?!" Maureen shrieked.

"Oh just calm down, for God's sake!" Joanne snapped, handing Roger her keys solemnly.

"I won't be long."

"Take as long as you need." She had the sombre, serious expression of someone who had just realised something awful.

"Collins…could you call them? Tell them we're coming?"

Collins took the number down and nodded, slapping Roger on the back comfortingly. "And call Benny?" Roger said.

"Benny?!" Maureen shrieked. "Guys, come on, what is going on?" Maureen demanded.

"Sit down, Maureen, I'll tell you all about it." Collins said.

Roger scooped Mimi up in his arms and carried her outside onto the street. He placed her gently into the front seat of Joanne's car and sat in the driver's seat. He took a few seconds trying to make the situation feel real. He took a deep breath. How could he bring himself to do this? He saw the fear in her eyes when faced with Maureen's sushi, and it was completely different to the look Mark had on his face. She looked truly terrified. This wasn't something she could control. It was out of his hands.

"Roger?" She muttered sleepily. Like a reflex he turned on the engine and pulled the car out onto the street. "Where are we going?" She asked.

"Maureen was driving me crazy." He said, the only response he could think of. Cautiously, he handed her the envelope. "Could you sign this form?"

"I can't see, it's too dark." She said.

"There's a line at the bottom, just sign on there."

She found a pen in Joanne's glovebox and signed. "What is it?"

Roger could hardly believe he had gotten her to sign it so easily. She trusted him so completely she had signed before she had even asked what it was. The guilt he felt was so intense he could hardly concentrate. This was a betrayal of that innocent trust she had in him. She would _never_ forgive him.

"Some medical stuff." It wasn't a lie.

"Don't tell me you get health insurance with your new job! That's great! But why would they cover me? Have you been telling people we're married again?" Mimi joked.

Roger shrugged, smiling nervously at her. This wasn't lying. He hadn't said anything.

"That's cushy." Mimi laughed. "Is that where we're going?"

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked instead.

Roger pulled the car up into the car park. "Why did we stop?" Mimi asked.

Roger couldn't answer. He opened the door and stepped out of the car. Mimi did the same, looking at him questioningly. "Roger, what's going on?" She was looking at him fearfully, the suspicion mounting in her face. His stomach was churning. He took her hand and pulled her along into the large building.

"Roger, why aren't you talking? Roger, what's wrong?"

"Mimi Marquez?" The receptionist asked. Collins had called ahead. There was no going back now.

"Yes?" She said, in total shock.

Roger took the form out of her hand silently. He was about to hand them to the receptionist but Mimi snatched it back, now able to read what they said under the harsh fluorescent lights of the clinic. He wished he had thought to bring her coat. She looked cold. Not that it mattered now.

"Roger?" She said, her eyes widening. "What _is _this?"

"I'm sorry, Meems."

"Roger,_please_."

"Come on, lets get you to the team." The receptionist said.

"_What team_?"

The receptionist looked from Mimi to Roger and back again, understandingly, as if this was an everyday occurrence. "This is a rehabilitation center." She said.

Mimi shook her head in disbelief, letting Roger take the form out of her hands and hand it to the receptionist. She was too shocked to react. Roger would never forget that look on her face, like her insides were being torn apart.

"You have signed the contract, indicating that you are willing to seek treatment for your eating disorder."

"I don't_have_ an eating disorder!"

"It's okay, honey, getting help now is the best thing you can do."

Mimi shook her head again, completely paralysed. The black waves washed over her again and she felt that prickling heat as her vision left her. She felt Roger's arms under her armpits, but she wrenched away.

"Mimi, this isn't right." He pleaded, desperate not to cry.

"I hate you."

Before either of them had a chance to register what she had said a young doctor had taken her by the wrist and was leading her away. The look she gave him broke his heart. They didn't break eye contact until the door closed behind her. Roger sank down into a seat by the wall, his head in his hands.

"She doesn't mean it, honey." The receptionist said sympathetically. "She'll be in safe hands here, don't you worry, the doctors here are miracle workers."

When Mimi finally returned some time later Roger leapt to his feet. Her eyes went straight to his, that same look, screaming to him that all would be forgiven if he would just take her home.

"You'd best say goodbye, Mimi, we need to lock up for the night." The doctor said.

Mimi didn't move, so Roger made the awkward move towards her, wrapping her in his arms. She didn't move, she didn't touch him, holding her arms tightly by her sides. She could have pushed him away. She could have hit him. She could have done anything, but she did nothing at all; it gave him the tiniest hope that she would forgive him. He was a failure, she needed him and he hadn't been able to help, he had betrayed her trust: he deserved her hatred.

He sat in Joanne's car for five minutes, ten minutes, the sense of loss swelling inside him. He couldn't make any of this feel real.

It was late when he got home, but Maureen and Joanne were still there, subdued. Roger tossed Joanne her keys and made straight for his room.

"Wait!" Maureen called. "What happened? What did they say?"

"No idea."

It didn't matter what they had said, it was what_she_ had said that was playing on his mind. Those three little words. _I hate you. _And he had thought 'I love you' was hard.

"Just leave it." Collins advised. Gratefully Roger went into his room.

He waited until Maureen and Joanne had gone home, and Collins had gone to bed before he came out of his room, put on his jacket and left the apartment, going down the stairs to Mimi's old apartment but the door was locked. Sighing he went out onto the fire escape, looking through the window into Mimi's abandoned apartment. Spelled out on the floor in pills, the multivitamins that Collins had bought her, was the word 'Angel'. 

* * *

****

Things will pick up from here, I swear. PLEASE review, even if it's just to say you're reading!


	22. Faith

The next morning Collins' bleary eyes made out Roger sitting at the table, looking miserable and as if he hadn't slept a wink. Collins couldn't lie; he was glad that Mimi had gone. Mimi's presence left everyone so tense and left Roger feeling responsible for her without being able to have any control over the situation. While she was away he had no reason to worry about whether he was doing enough to help her. Collins trusted that she was in safe hands, and whatever the reason was behind her behaviour they would be able to help her. He had enough faith in Mimi's strength to believe that she would work through this and she would be back with them as if nothing had happened very soon.

"You wanna talk about it, man?" Collins asked sympathetically, pouring Roger a coffee.

Roger shrugged. "You know what bothers me? She signed the form. I gave it to her and she signed it without even asking. That's how much she trusted me. She is _never_ going to forgive me."

"She will."

"She said she hates me."

"She doesn't mean it." Collins hesitated, trying to gauge his reaction, but Roger didn't even look up. "She's sick, Roger. They'll help her and she'll see sense."

"What if they can't help her?" Roger asked. "What if she won't let them help? This was our last fucking chance and if it fails..." He trailed off, completely unable to finish that idea.

"They're professionals, Roger. She's tough. This is her way of dealing with everything that's happened. She'll figure it out."

"How can you be so positive?"

"Because you _have_ to be." Collins insisted. "Don't you dare let her know you're thinking like this."

"I can't now, can I? She's gone and she _hates_ me!"

"At least give it time, Roger."

"I'm gonna call her. I need to know. I need to see her."

Mark came into the kitchen from his room. "Morning." He said mid-yawn.

Collins threw Roger a look that told him Mark didn't know yet. Roger groaned. Mark didn't notice, he was busy searching through the fridge. Roger got up and crossed to the phone, dialling the number for the clinic.

"Now?" Collins asked.

"I can't wait…Hello, can I speak to Mimi Marquez?...I'm on hold."

"If she doesn't want to speak now don't take it too hard."

"How am I supposed to take it?" He snapped. "Hello?"

"Who is calling?"

"Roger, her boyfriend."

"Hold please."

Roger groaned. Mark was whistling some stupid song. Roger glared at the back of his head. Between the fucking awful hold music being streamed into his ear and the out of tune song Mark was whistling he was ready to kill someone.

"Shut the fuck up, Mark." Roger yelled.

Mark rolled his eyes and continued whistling. There was a click on the phone.

"Hello!?"

"Hi."

"Meems."

"Yeah."

"How are you?"

She didn't say anything for a while. "I don't know what to say."

"I'm sorry." There was a long pause.

"You did what you had to do."

"You're okay with it?" His heart leapt. This was almost too good to be true.

"I don't want to be here." Her voice gave away nothing.

"But you're okay?"

"I'm okay."

"What's going on?"

"I'm getting fat like a good girl." She pictured Roger's grin as she said the words.

"Good."

"Glad you think so."

"Can I see you?"

"I need to think."

"Soon?"

"I'd better go."

"Wait, Meems, don't-"

"I have to. I don't hate you." He felt immediate relief. "I'm not grateful." She added. "I need to go."

"Wait, Mimi, please."

"No."

"I love you."

She hung up.

Roger felt an extreme mix of emotions. He couldn't help but feel a little better, but he was still uneasy. When she had said she didn't hate him he had felt all the guilt for sending her there wash away, but the coldness in her voice hurt. He still had that aching worry that if she didn't cooperate she wouldn't come out of there alive.

Mark was still whistling that inane tune, and was grappling with a frying pan and some eggs. He never had been much of a cook. Come to think of it, he'd never cooked before. Sarah being around was having an interesting effect on him to say the least.

"All good in the hood?" Collins asked.

"Better than I expected."

Collins grinned. "Honestly, I'm glad she's gone. You don't have to feel responsible for her anymore. It's out of our hands now, she'll get healthy. You know Mimi."

"Yeah."

That was the theory, but it wasn't so easy. He _felt_ responsible. He felt like a failure for not being able to help her. It should be him saving Mimi's life, not some random doctors in their pristine clinic.

"Lets go out later. We can get wasted, take your mind off things."

That sounded like the best idea he had ever heard. "I don't think so." Roger said, despite himself. "If I start drinking I'm not gonna stop. I have to work."

"Damn, I wanted a Boyz II Men reprise." Collins grinned. There was a silence. "I'm proud of you."

Roger couldn't think of anything to say to that. He watched Mark scrape the omelette he had cooked out of the pan and rearrange it carefully on a plate. The effort he was putting into this made Roger laugh: as if putting it into a cute shape would make the burnt mess he had cooked taste any better.

"Have you finished?" Collins asked. "I'm starving."

"Yeah, I'm done." Mark said, heading off to his room.

"Ugh, Mark. Did you do that?" Collins asked, pointing to a smashed egg on the floor.

"Um…yeah. I'll clean it up later, okay?" He said, disappearing into his room.

"He used all the eggs!" Collins said, opening the fridge.

"You didn't tell Mark about last night?" Roger asked.

"No, he didn't come out of his room until just now."

"He didn't even notice, even when I talked to her on the phone." Roger said bitterly.

"You know how love affects that boy's head." Collins said. "He gets infatuated pretty quickly."

"I don't want to tell him." Roger said bluntly. "I don't know how. He didn't even realise anything was wrong."

* * *

"I have to go to work." Sarah said, giggling. She was trying to get dressed but Mark was making it very difficult for her.

"Call in sick." He said, hiding her shirt behind his back.

"I can't." She laughed. "Maybe you should get some work done too."

"I can't think about work." Mark said. "All I think about is you."

"That's not healthy." Sarah grinned. "It'll be good for us to spend a couple of hours apart." She took the shirt back off him.

"Come back tonight?" He said softly.

"Maybe." She whispered in response. "I really need to go. Make us reservations tonight, we can go to dinner. Meet me outside my office?" She kissed him quickly and left him alone in his room.

"Bye, guys. I have to go to work." She called to Mark and Roger.

"Bye." Collins grunted. Roger didn't say anything, but Sarah was used to that.

After a minute or two Mark came out of his room, clearly lovestruck, and sunk into a seat at the table with Roger and Collins.

"Mark…" Roger began carefully, about to tell him the truth about Mimi.

"Roger I don't want to hear it." Mark snapped. "She is not an escort or a hooker or a stripper. Mimi was wrong. She's just a normal …"

Roger stood up angrily and went into his room, slamming the door behind him.

"What is his problem?" Mark groaned. "Why can't he just accept it?"

"You're an asshole. If you could get your head out of the clouds for five goddamn minutes you'd know Roger was going to tell you something important."

"About Sarah?"

"No! For Christ's sake. Mimi's in the hospital."

"WHAT?"

"She went last night."

"And you didn't bother to tell me until now?!" Mark said angrily. "Jesus Christ. Do I not matter here anymore?"

"Not when you're spouting shit about not disturbing you no matter what, no."

"What happened?" Mark asked.

"She hasn't been eating anything." Collins said. "Benny paid for her to go to a clinic."

"And Roger let that happen?"

"It's a good thing, Mark."

"_We_ could help her."

"_We_ have been trying. You didn't seem to notice."

"God…" Mark groaned.

"Roger needs our support, not you yelling at him over a stupid girl." Collins said.

"She's not stupid."

"I don't care. She's not important." Collins said seriously. "Stop being such a selfish asshole."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't tell me that. Tell Roger."

"Wait…what happened? How did it get so bad? I knew she was sick, but…" He trailed off.

"She passed out last night. We tried everything, this was a last resort."

"I can't believe this is happening."

"Imagine how Roger feels."

"Shit…"

* * *

Roger was out running and Collins was at work. The silence of the loft was killing Mark. He hadn't been alone in a long time and he had almost forgotten what it felt like. It was like going back in time; Mimi and Roger were tense and yet again everyone was worrying about her safety; Collins was drifting in and out of their lives and Maureen and Joanne were caught up in their own little world of hating and loving each other so fiercely they were blind to everything else. Mark was bored and uninspired. Last year he had been able to focus on everyone else's lives and forget about his own but now things were different. Now he had a new obsession and he was totally out of the loop with his friends.

Had he been like this when April died? Too involved in his relationship with Maureen to notice that anything was wrong, too fixated on her to help Roger in his time of need? _No._ He had been a good friend. He had saved Roger's life after April died. It was Sarah, there was something different about her. She consumed him. Mimi was still important to Mark, and he knew had messed up but that would change. He resolved he would do both. He would have the perfect relationship and make sure he still had time for his friends.

Mark decided to cancel his plans with Sarah for the night. Roger needed him. He would walk her home instead. After what she said about it being healthy to spend some time apart this would be a good compromise.

When Roger came home he want straight into the bathroom without even looking at Mark. Mark groaned. This was enough to tell him he still wasn't forgiven for being so insensitive this morning. Mark hovered around nervously until Roger had finished in the shower.

"Roger I'm sorry, I'm a selfish asshole and I should think before I speak!" He sputtered.

Roger laughed. "What?"

"This morning, when you were gonna tell me about Mimi…"

"Oh…it's alright." Roger said.

"Are you alright?" Mark asked carefully.

"I dunno." Roger said. "She said she's okay. She doesn't hate me, so I'm a lot better than last night."

"That's good."

"I'm too naked to really hold a conversation now, Mark, can we talk later?" Roger indicated to the towel around his waist.

"Sure." Mark said, happy Roger wasn't mad at him. He realised suddenly that he _missed_ Roger. He felt like he had barely seen him at all in the last few weeks because he had been so preoccupied with Sarah. He wondered if Roger felt the same way.

"Hello, stranger." Mark said when Roger came back, fully dressed. Roger looked completely confused, but didn't seem to give it much thought as he poured himself a coffee.

"I've been a really shitty friend." Mark added.

"It's okay. We're fine."

"I let you down. I should have figured everything out instead of being in my own little world all the time."

"We're just glad you're happy." Roger said sincerely.

"So tell me everything, if you can. Everything I should have picked up on."

Roger shrugged. "She just wasn't eating anything. She was wearing so many layers of clothes it wasn't all that obvious how thin she got. You can't blame yourself for not seeing it. Me and Collins tried talking to her about it but she always yelled her way out of it."

"Why did Benny pay?"

"She stormed off, ran into Benny. He came back to me and said he would pay for anything she needs. He thought it was AIDS. When he figured it out he said he knew a clinic and he'd pay. But you know what bothers me the most? She had to sign in before they would take her. I just gave her the form and she signed. She just trusted me enough to sign it. I don't know how she'll ever forgive me."

"She will."

"I just feel so guilty."

"You're doing what you need to do to help her."

"That's what she said."

"See. She'll get over this, Roger, you know she's tougher than any of us. It'll be good for her. She'll finally have time to work through everything that has happened."

"I hope so."

Just when Mark thought Roger was going to open up and _really_ talk the door flew open and Maureen walked in.

"Well?" She demanded.

"She's okay." Roger said quietly.

"What is with you guys? You're like the elite loft crew. You can't keep these kinds of secrets from us, Roger! Just because we don't live here it doesn't mean we don't need to know!"

"Maureen!" Mark said angrily. "Why would anyone be thinking of you when Mimi was so sick?" He felt a little hypocritical for saying that after this morning, but he knew Roger wouldn't out him.

"We _love_ Mimi. It was such a total shock! You didn't even tell us anything was wrong." She was a lot more subdued than usual, upset rather than annoyed

"We didn't plan to send her off there." Roger said. "Benny suggested it. Collins backed him up. We ran out of options."

"But she's okay?"

"Yeah. I talked to her this morning. She's not happy about it, but she's dealing with it."

"That's good."

Roger shrugged. The last thing he wanted to do was go through the trauma of making that kind of decision with Maureen. He had a feeling Benny would be making an appearance later, and that would be hard enough. Right now he was happy to remember Mimi saying that she didn't hate him and forget everything else that had happened in between. He would rehearse with his shit band later, play a shit set for those privileged young socialites, and then he would come home and sleep without having to think about Mimi not being there.

Collins was right, there was something to be said for blind positivity. He knew if Mimi wasn't at the centre of everything that was bothering him she would say exactly the same thing.

* * *

** Review please!**


	23. Vices

5.15 am. The early morning weigh in. A 5.15 wake up call on the best night's sleep Mimi had ever had. The beds in the clinic had extra padding, so that the skeletal frames of all their patients could sleep without their own bones cutting into them. Mimi was in a bad mood already.

She was kindly informed by a warm nurse (who Mimi silently noted was the most obese person she had ever seen) that she would have to have "blind" weigh ins. She would not be allowed to know her weight. Mimi didn't care.

The obese nurse told her that she had her first therapy session at 7 am. Mimi shrugged it off like it was nothing. The nurse was achingly nice to her. Mimi wanted to hug her and pretend she was back at home and she still liked her parents and hugging them made bad things go away. Mimi grew up too fast. Mimi learned too quickly that hugs didn't work. Instead she went back to her room and dressed.

She couldn't shower because there would be someone there to watch her. She couldn't pee because there would be someone there, waiting in the bathroom. They were always watching, always checking, always suspicious.

At 7am she found her doctor's office and knocked. She was ready to put on the performance of her life. True, she had never been a good liar, but the last year in Maureen's company must have taught her something about putting on a performance.

There was a shiny nameplate on the door. Doctor Andrews.

"How are you finding it here, Mimi?" Dr Andrews asked as Mimi took a seat in her room. She was Scottish and thin. Mimi thought it was funny how thin she was, and how she expected Mimi to gain thirty pounds.

"It's not great." Mimi said cheerfully.

"What aren't you enjoying?"

"The company." Mimi said honestly. "They're a bunch of spoilt brats."

"I believe you're HIV positive."

"No."

"We have your medical records."

"They're wrong."

"Mimi." The therapist said sharply. "We can't help you unless you co operate."

"I don't see how whether I'm HIV positive or not has anything to do with you wanting me to gain weight."

"I think it would be very neglectful of us to only address your weight and ignore any other emotional factors in your life that may have contributed to your eating disorder."

"If I have an eating disorder."

"What do you think is the reason for your weight loss if it isn't an eating disorder?"

"Do my medical records say how sick I was over Christmas?"

"Yes. They also say you were discharged from the hospital a week later and yet you are sitting here now considerably thinner than when you left."

"They got me out of the danger zone, they didn't cure me."

"But you maintained that you were perfectly healthy when you were discharged."

"We couldn't afford for me to stay in the hospital too long. How much am I costing to stay here now?"

"Does the money bother you?"

"Is Benny paying for me?"

"Mr Coffin? Yes he is."

That gave Mimi a strange feeling, and it had nothing to do with Benny. It was Roger. Roger accepting Benny's help was huge. Roger accepting Benny's help was more proof than she had ever wanted that Roger had been terrified, lost, desperate.

"You want me to gain thirty and then I can go home, right?"

"If we feel you are on the road to recovery, yes."

"I don't think I weighed an extra thirty even before I started losing weight. I don't need to gain so much."

"We won't be satisfied that you are at healthy weight until you have gained thirty pounds."

"But I'm naturally thin. You're thin too, you must understand."

"Mimi a combination of illness and heroin addiction is the reason your weight was low."

"I really don't need to gain so much weight."

"It's non negotiable, Mimi." The doctor said sharply. "After you have gained the weight we will consider discharging you, but it depends entirely on your attitude and how much progress we feel you have made psychologically as well as physically."

Mimi said nothing. Getting out as soon as possible was her only goal. Once she was out…it didn't matter. They couldn't afford for her to eat so much when she got back home. Her weight would even out back to the way she used to be. She just needed to get home.

"Your last T-cell count was in October I believe."

"Yeah."

"They didn't take the count when you were last in the hospital."

"I don't know. But I never got the results that last time I…" She trailed off. She had what? Run away? Listened to message the nurse at the clinic had left on her machine and taken off. She had known what the results would be. She didn't need a piece of paper to tell her she had dropped lower than the dreaded 200.

"If you eat well and look after yourself there is every possibility your cell count will increase. I can't promise you a miracle; they won't increase too significantly but they will strengthen and you can get back to some semblance of good health."

_Some Semblance_. Mimi wanted to hear _Some Scorn_ in the doctor's voice, some kind of "you deserve this" underlying her words but there was nothing. Dr Andrews was being friendly and sympathetic and altogether too nice. It made Mimi feel that all too familiar wrenching guilt. Stubborn Mimi, selfish Mimi, stupid Mimi to have this opportunity for health and to be so ungrateful.

Roger should have been the one in this friendly, happy, positive place. Roger was the one who actually gave a crap about cell counts. Roger was the one who worried about that shit and got depressed about it. Angel should have been sitting in her seat with this nice doctor expensively trying to raise her cell count. Not Mimi. Mimi _didn't care_.

As if she had read her mind the doctor softened her voice once more and said "I understand you have lost a number of friends to AIDS."

"Pretty much one funeral a month for the last two years." Mimi said bitterly. As if that even touched on explaining anything.

"Recently you lost your closest friend."

That wasn't a question, but Mimi knew she was expected to answer it somehow. _Nobody _talked about Angel. It was too tense back at the loft to even mention her name. Nobody knew how anyone else would react when somebody said Angel.

But that was bullshit. Angel's life had been _great_. Angel's life had been short, far too short but every minute of it had been utterly fabulous. She had gone to Angel's memorial with every intention of turning it into a celebration of that life but it had all spiralled out of control. Ever since Halloween Angel had become taboo, because Angel's memory was now tarnished with that nightmare day when everything had fallen apart.

_How _was she supposed to talk about Angel to this stranger sitting in front of her? How could she find the words to express how crucial Angel was? Without Angel there to constantly remind her why everything was great and why dwelling on the past (or the unknown future) was a waste of what little life they all had she had completely forgotten all those beliefs that had kept her going.

"Mimi, are you okay?"

"Fine." Mimi's mindless answer to everything...

* * *

Mark was freezing. It was February and the city was still firmly in the grip of winter. He was on his way to meet Sarah to cancel their date. Roger needed him. He would do the right thing tonight. Finally he was ready to face up to the real world.

She was waiting for him outside her office block, her hair gleaming in the streetlights. It was like a scene from an old movie.

"Can I take a rain check on tonight?" He asked as she kissed him. It took all of his effort to even ask the question.

"Why?"

"Mimi's in the hospital." Mark said.

"Why?"

"Anorexia."

Sarah laughed. "That's crazy."

"It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing... it's just…it's a shock." She said. "I'm kind of relieved it's not anything else. She was so painfully thin, but I never liked to say anything. You know how AIDS people are; I just thought it'd be insensitive."

"She went last night."

"That's awful." Sarah said. "At least she's getting the help she needs. I've got a friend whose cousin was anorexic. She went to a clinic in the city and it worked out for her."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, honey. So did you cancel our reservations?"

"I didn't make any. Roger needs support, you know?"

"He probably wants to be left alone." Sarah said. "Come on, lets go to dinner. Take your mind off it. Somewhere'll have a table if we hurry up."

"I told Roger I'd be around."

"Doesn't he have to work tonight?"

"I was gonna convince him to take the night off. He doesn't deal with this stuff well."

"He'll be fine." She insisted. "You don't want me to starve to death too?"

"No." Mark said. "Okay, lets find somewhere." When she looked at him like that he was very easily persuaded. There would be time for Roger later.

* * *

One therapy session and already Mimi felt like a different person, or at least she felt like Mimi again. She had found that no one else in the clinic ever went outside, so that was where she spent the most time. She had tried to get to know some of the other patients, a mix of young coke addicts and eating disorder patients, but they irritated her so much within the first few minutes of speaking to them that she gave up pretty quickly. She didn't care that it was cold outside, at least she didn't have to listen to them argue over whose father was the most influential. Outside she could smoke in peace.

She needed the time alone to think. She liked to plan elaborate escapes that she knew she would never really attempt. The truth was she was drinking the thick calorie laden drinks that they gave her without arguing. They tasted like bad milkshakes. Somehow the idea that it wasn't real food made it easier.

She heard footsteps but didn't bother to look up. It was probably a nurse checking up on her. She didn't move until the person came to sit next to her.

"Got a light?" He asked. Mimi masked a smile at the memory and handed him her lighter. "Anorexia?" He said.

Mimi stared at him. He was probably around her age. Not especially thin, so probably a drug addict. Dark hair. She couldn't think of an adequate response to that question so she ignored it.

"Heroin." The guy said, by way of an introduction.

"Great." Mimi said, getting up to leave. Right now she didn't want to talk.

"You're not like everyone else here." He said. Mimi ignored him. "You dress different. You don't look like you have their kind of money."

Mimi laughed in amazement at how rude he was. "Right…" She turned to walk away.

"They're a bunch of fucking attention seeking bullshitters." He offered. "Too rich to understand real problems."

That caught Mimi's attention, and she sat again. "You're Mimi, right?"

"Yeah."

"Zack." There was a smoky silence between them that wasn't especially uncomfortable. "You know what I hate?" He said finally. "I hate the way everything they do is about hurting other people, like they starve themselves to piss of their parents."

"I hate how they always talk about money."

"Yeah, that sucks." He muttered. "How long are you staying here?"

"They want me to gain thirty. They said I can leave after that, so long as I come back for check ups."

"And?"

"And I'm gonna gain the weight and get out of here as soon as I can."

He shrugged, as if her answer was a disappointment. He smoked the same cigarettes as Roger. The smell of them made Mimi want to go home more than anything.

* * *

"Why don't we go to Roger's bar?" Sarah asked Mark, as the waiter brought their check. "I want to hear him play."

Mark shook his head. "He won't like that."

"I thought you wanted to support him?"

"I do, but he wouldn't want me there."

"I've heard good things about that place. It's supposed to be really nice. Come on, it'll be fun. I bet he'd like to see a friendly face in the crowd, even if he doesn't admit it."

Grudgingly Mark agreed. He hadn't seen Roger perform for an audience in a long time. That was the old Roger. Rockstar Roger seemed a world away from the Roger he knew now. From what Roger had told him this bar was _too_ nice. He knew Roger hated it, he knew that he would probably hate the place too. Sarah's enthusiasm was infectious, and he really did want to see Roger play again. It was all he had wanted for most of the last two years. Now it was finally happening it seemed stupid not to go.

The doorman at Grey's bar looked at Mark with an expression that told him he would never let him in, but his face changed when he saw Sarah, and he nodded them inside immediately. The first thing that struck Mark was how shiny the place was. The people inside were beautiful and immaculately dressed, like they were in a movie. He could hear Roger's unmistakable voice, but no one else seemed to hear it. No one was paying the music any attention. Roger the rockstar- the superstar- was reduced to taking a job as human CD player. He sounded as good as ever.

When Mark caught sight of him everything crashed back down to earth. Roger looked old. Maybe it was just that he was with the college boys making up the rest of the band, but Mark couldn't help but think Roger looked washed up, jaded and apathetic. His lack of enthusiasm for the set list he was playing was painfully obvious. It almost hurt Mark to watch him, every spark of passion and stage presence gone.

"Can we go home?" He asked Sarah.

"We just got here! Don't you want to see Roger?"

"No." Mark said firmly. "Lets just go."

"Okay…" She said unsurely. "What's up?" She asked when they got to the street.

"You won't understand, not unless you've seen Roger play before."

"He sounded good to me." She said. "Do you wanna go to my place tonight?"

"No." Mark said. "I told you, I need to be around for Roger."

"He'll be fine."

"I need to talk to him." Mark said firmly. "If you need to go home, go. It's okay."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, of course not." Mark laughed. "I'm just worried about him. I've really abandoned him lately, I didn't realise how bad things were. I just feel guilty for not doing anything."

"None of this is your problem." Sarah insisted. "They are not your responsibility. None of them." Mark said nothing. "Your place then?" Sarah added, taking his hand.

It was useless. There was no way he would be able to say no to her.

* * *

"So have you ever done it?" Zack asked.

"What?"

"Junk."

"No." Mimi lied. Her heart was pounding.

"You wanna?"

"You got some?"

"Why do you think I've been here so long? It doesn't take all that long to get clean if you stick at it."

"So you've got some?" A familiar feeling of excitement she hadn't felt in too long was sweeping through her. The feeling she got on the edge of a hit; the tense anticipation nothing else in the world could ever give her.

"Yeah, I've got some?"

"How? How do you get it in here past them?"

"It's not in here. Come on, I'll show you." He took her by the wrist and led her outside, walking away towards the back wall of the grounds. "Don't you fucking dare tell anyone about this."

"I won't."

He grinned. "I know."

He lay on his stomach on the ground next to the fence, sliding his hand underneath and pulling out a box.

"Directly on the other side; that's the car park and that's my car. I can hide all kinds of shit under it and no one'll ever know it."

Mimi grinned. This was genius. She looked hungrily inside the box; he had all kinds of drugs in there, but it was the heroin that she couldn't take her eyes off. She could almost smell it. She was so close.

"I'll do it for you." He offered. "If you've never done it before."

Mimi was impatient. He was slow, taking his time about it, preparing it with her lighter, the needle…she could hardly breathe. He cut it smaller than she had ever had before but she didn't care.

"Zack?"

"It's really good. Don't worry."

"I'm positive."

He looked up at her for a second, surprised. "Me too."

Of course he was positive. Nobody in this fucking city who lived the way they did was negative.

He didn't use a tourniquet. He held her arm tightly, her low body fat meaning the veins were easily visible without one. Nothing had ever felt so good against her skin as the metal point of that needle. Nothing had ever felt as good, and nothing could touch this. She could almost feel her insides welcoming it back like an old friend. She sank back into the warm bubble, because nothing mattered, not anymore, not thirty pounds and not anything anyone ever thought about her, and not even Angel's death could tarnish this feeling.

Mimi was back.

* * *

To explain: In the NYTW Mimi gets a phone message from a nurse and I think that was probably the call to tell her that her T cells had dropped to below 200 (below 200 is full blown AIDS) so I'm using that idea in this fic.

Please review! I know this was kind of intense but it's not as bad as it sounds.


	24. A Reason to Live

Roger came home late but Mark was waiting for him, having left Sarah asleep in his bedroom.

"Roger…" He began, but didn't know how to finish. He was nervous. He didn't know how to speak to his best friend anymore. It was a weird feeling.

"What?" Roger asked. He didn't seem to have noticed Mark's uneasiness as he searched through the fridge for something to drink.

"You need to write that fucking song."

"What?" Roger laughed, a little surprised.

"We went to your bar today. Before you yell at me…it was Sarah's idea. You shouldn't be playing that shit, Roger, you're better than this."

Roger sat down heavily. "I can't write it." 

"You can." Mark insisted.

To his relief Roger grinned at his persistence. "I can't sit on my ass and wait for it, we need money."

"You haven't tried hard enough." 

"What are you doing lately?" Roger said defensively. "I don't see you with any ideas for your next big film."

"Roger…"

"I have it. It's there in my head and I can't get it out." Roger said moodily.

"So be proactive."

"You're a hypocrite." 

"So I'm a failure. That's no excuse for you to stop trying."

Roger shrugged. This was classic Roger, knowing he was wrong without wanting to admit it. "I haven't stopped." He said finally. "I don't wanna work there, but look at this." He pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket and handed it to Mark. "I can't pass up this job just because something great _might_ come into my head."

"It _will_." Mark said firmly. If only he could have the same faith in his own work…but that was a whole other issue Mark didn't want to face. "Seeing you up there tonight was so weird, it was as if you didn't care anymore."

"I don't care." He said bluntly.

Mark sighed. He was out of things to say. But what did he expect? All Roger needed was him to tell him what to do? As if it was that easy. None of this had gone as well as Mark had hoped. He should have known what to say, how to figure this out for him, but instead there was a stony silence until Roger went to bed.

Fuck.

In the morning the first thing Roger thought of was Mimi. Speaking to her. Seeing her. Anything. It was early, so he decided to go out for his run. He would call her afterwards and at least he wouldn't have to be thinking of her if he was out in the freezing morning air.

After he came back and showered he didn't bother dressing, but went straight to the phone. He had tried to plan what to say in his head but nothing sounded good. He waited impatiently as the receptionist put him on hold, waiting for Mimi.

"Roger!" Her voice came happily.

"Hey, Meems. How is it?"

"It's shit. But I'm doing okay."

"Good. When can I see you? I'm going crazy over here without you."

"Come now! Come today!" She said eagerly. "I'm not doing anything. It's so boring here."

"You sound good." He smiled at the vitality in her voice.

"I _feel_ good."

"That's great." He couldn't help but grin to himself. "I was so scared you would hate me forever."

"I know it took a lot of guts for you to make me go here. I wish you hadn't, I'm not gonna lie…but I'm kind of…proud…does that make sense?"

"I'm gonna call Joanne and steal her car." Roger said, a little embarrassed.

"Okay. Good. I've missed you."

"God, I've missed you."

"How's Meowface."

Roger had almost completely forgotten about Meowface. Thank God they had Collins around to remember to feed him. Roger looked around, seeing the cat asleep on the newspaper. He grinned, knowing how pissed Mark would be when he came to read it later.

"Meowface is good. His hair's growing back."

"And Mark and Collins?"

"Yeah, they're good too."

"Don't tell them I asked about Meowface is before I asked about them!"

"I won't." Roger laughed.

"Now fuck off and go get that car and come here." Mimi demanded.

"I will." Roger grinned, happier than he had been in a long time.

"Love you."

"Love you."

Roger felt so great he thought he could fly. Mimi sounded like Mimi again. Mimi sounded happy. Still grinning he called Joanne's apartment.

"Hello." Maureen asked sleepily.

"Hey, Mo, can I talk to Joanne?"

"Am I not good enough for you anymore?" Maureen teased.

"You don't have a car."

"Jo has work later, she needs the car."

"So let me talk to her."

"Fine."

Roger could hear Maureen's voice in the background, and then her giggles. He held the phone away from his ear slightly.

"Hey, Roger." Joanne said, sounded equally as tired as Maureen.

"I need your car."

"I have work."

"I have to see Mimi."

"Okay. Take it." Joanne said immediately. "I'll take the subway."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Give her our love."

"I will. See you in a minute."

"See you."

Collins was standing in the doorway of his room, a huge grin on his face that told Roger he had heard every word. He wolf whistled as Roger charged past to get to his room. Roger had almost forgotten all he was wearing was a towel, but he ignored Collins and went to get dressed. In world record time he was out of his room and about to run all the way to Joanne's apartment block, but Collins stopped him.

"Squeeze her extra hard from me." He said.

Roger grinned in response, grabbed his jacket and was gone. Joanne was waiting for him outside her building with the keys.

"Roger, you're like a changed man." She said, seeing the huge smile on his face.

"You didn't hear her on the phone. She sounded great."

"That's so good."

"Give her one of these for me." Maureen said, slapping Roger on the ass.

"Um…I will..." Roger said, snatching the keys out of Joanne's hands.

"Make sure she knows we love her." Joanne said, taking the keys back. "And when you're done over there come back here and let us know how she is."

"I will." Roger said impatiently.

"Go on then, get lost!" Maureen said, shoving him towards the car as Joanne handed him back the keys.

"Thanks, Jo." He grinned

"Any time."

Mimi threw herself at Roger the second he walked in the door. "I've missed you!" She screamed.

She was still painfully thin, but she had a healthy glow in her face that Roger hadn't seen in so long. He knew she was getting better, it would just take time for her body to gain the weight back.

When he had finished squeezing her she grabbed his hand and pulled him past the reception up to a staircase.

"This is where we live." She said her arms gesturing to nowhere specific in the corridor. "And this is my room." She pointed to a door. "Benny must be paying out of the ass for me to get my own room." She grinned, opening the door and pulling Roger inside.

"Feel the bed it's really squashy." She said, pushing him towards and then turning back to her door, where she locked it.

Obediently Roger sat on the bed. "We can get one of these for home." Roger said, poking the mattress.

Mimi laughed. "We don't need to. They won't let me out of here until I gain thirty."

"Thirty?"

"Yeah."

"So do it, Mimi, and get out of here." 

"I will!" She threw herself on top of him again, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him passionately. She was ready for a full on make-out session, but he pulled away a little.

"Will you slow down!" He laughed.

"I'm just so glad to see you!"

"So what is it like here?"

Mimi pulled a face. "Boring. We get up crazy early, get weighed, do nothing, talk to doctors, do a lot more nothing. How are Maureen and Joanne? You got here really quick."

"They're good. Maureen wanted me to give you a slap on the ass." Mimi turned around offering her ass to Roger, who patted it gently. "Everyone's fine, they just want you to be happy and healthy."

"I'm happy now that you're here." She wrapped her arm around him.

"It's good to see you like this." Roger said, pulling her closer. "I feel a whole lot better about you being here seeing that it's actually helping you."

"I just want to go home."

"I want you to come home too." He said. "We all do. But more than that we want you to be healthy."

After Roger had left (after a lot of persuasion from the staff at the clinic) Mimi came outside to her usual spot. Zack was sitting there.

"Who was that guy?" He asked.

"Roger, my boyfriend." Mimi grinned. "God, I miss him."

"What does he do?"

"He's a singer in a band in a club. He's working on his own stuff though. He's had loads of writers block lately though, but…" She trailed off. "Sorry, I'm boring you."

Zack shrugged. "Does he pay for you to be here?"

"No. My…a friend does." There was a silence. "So who pays for you, anyway?"

"My parents."

"I thought your parents had no money?"

"No, my parents are loaded."

"Oh…" Mimi frowned.

"What does that put you off me?" He said defensively.

"No, just from what you said about everyone else here I thought…"

"Forget it." He said fiercely.

"Okay." Mimi said.

"So when you said you needed to get out of here as soon as possible, you meant to get back to him?" The aggression his voice was mounting.

"To get back home, yeah." She said, her temper rising.

"And how would he feel if he knew what we did?"

"He won't know about it."

"So what was that, then? You just used me to make it all easier?"

"Yeah. That's exactly it." Mimi said firmly. "For a couple of hours I didn't have to think about all that crap and about being here. Why the fuck else do you think I would do it? Who wants to get addicted to that shit?"

"I thought maybe you were different, but forget it, I'm wrong."

"Maybe." Mimi said, throwing her cigarette on the floor and going back inside.

What had she been thinking? The few days she had spent in Zack's company made her feel special in some stupid way. He had made her feel like she was above everyone else here, and it was a good feeling. It turned out he was just as much of a hypocrite as everyone else was.

And so was she… just one relapse back to smack made her a hypocrite. It made her whole presence is this clinic fake and insincere. This time turning to drugs was worse than ever before, because this time she knew better. This time she knew why the real world, the one free of drugs, was worth living in. The artificial high could never beat the feeling she had had today with Roger. There was not one goddamn reason for her risk that, numb that or trade that for any short-lived substance pumping through her veins.

She had made a mistake, but it was the best goddamn mistake of her life because finally she understood how much more there was to live for.


	25. Life Support

**Sorry I have been gone so long! My life has been madness and computerless.  
We ARE near the end now! Don't forget about me!**

**

* * *

**"You know, when we found out, me and Angel…I don't know, it was like… H-I-V. Angel had... she'd been reading all of this crap and got to know some people who were going on protests and demos and stuff. So she took the test and she made me get tested too. It really was...it felt like the end of the world at first. But Angel… I mean Angel wasn't happy about it or anything, but she started going to these support groups and she just got on with he life. I thought it was stupid, I was like, my life does NOT need support. But I thought there was no way I would have AIDS, so I kind of had to not trust my own judgement. So Angel got me to go with her, and they were spouting so much bullshit about love and fear and it drove me crazy." Mimi laughed. She didn't even care if the therapist in front of her was listening or not, this was the first time she had ever pieced her life together in this way and she was finding it hard to stop talking. "So they have this big life theory in this group and I was like, okay, life isn't about quantity it's about quality. I can do that. But I guess I was wrong."

"Why were you wrong?"

Mimi pulled a face as she thought back. "I was like, okay I'll be dead in five years, I might as well do whatever I want. Make the most out of what I have left. I thought it was the greatest idea in the world. And Angel would do this face like…" Mimi mimicked Angel's sceptical face. "She knew I wasn't making the most out of anything. I was just doing whatever I wanted, regardless. I was justifying all of this stupid stuff by saying I was just living while I could."

"Drugs." The therapist said matter of factly.

"Yeah. But while I was out getting wasted and throwing myself around on the top of buildings, I just gave up thinking altogether. It's so easy to be happy, or think you are, when you just aren't thinking at all. And as soon as things in your life start to go wrong, like Angel was in the hospital and Roger thought I was cheating on him and then he went into the hospital for a while, I proved to myself how it doesn't work. I wasn't making the most out of my life, I was risking it and wasting it and numbing it away." She sighed. "Angel knew that all along. That's what was good about Angel. She really did make the most out of her life. Sometimes I think that's why she died and I didn't. She had lived, she had made everything into one big celebration, and I got a second chance so I could do the same thing finally." She sighed. "And now look at me."

"You have made a lot of progress, Mimi."

"I've always been like this. I was like, 'look at me on my fire escape, even though I'm dying I'm living a better life than all of you losers on the street.'" She shook her head. "Not really living. Nobody can hurt me, because I work in an S&M club and I _like _pain. Nobody can tell me what a useless waste of a life I have because I don't sit still long enough to listen. Nobody can tell me they love me because I can't turn that into something I can control. I finally got off drugs, finally start having good things in my life and I couldn't control them the same way I could control the bad things. So I found a new way to control it all. I found a new bad thing to numb out all of the good stuff."

"You think your eating disorder is a substitution, another way to numb yourself from thinking about your life."

"Can we not call it that? I don't like calling it that. I don't give a shit about Kate Moss like the other girls here do. I just…starving is the new smack."

"It's good that you are thinking this way Mimi, but what does this mean for you?"

"It means I shaved a couple of years off my life expectancy. God, I wish there was a fire escape here."

"Mimi…" The therapist warned.

Mimi grinned. "It means…I don't know. Like Roger, he was obsessed by it. He would always be aware of his own mortality so much he was letting it control his life. And his roommate, Mark, he thinks he's immortal because he's healthy and so he was just putting off his life all the time. Then Angel came along and was like, hey Roger there's more to life than death, you're never going to redeem your life if you don't have a life at all, and hey Mark you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, go be happy now. And I thought I was the same as Angel, but really I just wasn't letting myself think at all. I have to let myself think about it, and be able to accept the good with the bad without blocking out either of them because that's the only way to really live."

The therapist gave her a knowing smile.

"God, I'm so fucking corny." Mimi sighed.

* * *

Roger didn't like to admit it, but Mark had affected him. Time to write. Time to achieve. But it was all easier said than done. Fact was- he was happy. He was clean. Mimi was happy- or at least getting there. There was nothing to angst about. Maybe it was just a fact of life that he was only talented when his life was interesting. And his life was only interesting when he had something to be miserable about.

Mimi left in January. It was now April. Every time he had been to see her she looked healthier. Every time she seemed more desperate to come home, insisting she loved him and missed him more every day.

He swore to himself that he would pay back Benny every single cent of the money he was paying for Mimi's treatment. The job he had at the club was paying him generously and despite Collins' big plans for the money (mostly booze-related plans) Roger insisted on saving it.

Maureen and Joanne seemed to go through phases of avoiding the loft at all costs and then turning up unannounced. Maureen would hysterically talk non-stop until an embarrassed-for-both-of-them Joanne dragged her home and the cycle would repeat every week.

And Mark was just there. There as usual. But less interested in him. Less lurking. Happier.

"Oh. My. God." Collins said dramatically entering the loft through the window.

"That was the gayest thing you've ever said." Roger said, casually reading the paper.

"No." Collins said, snatching the paper from his hands and flipping through a few pages. "Read." He said, handing back the paper and pointing at a headline.

"Collins, your hands are filthy!" Roger said disgusted.

"Gay pot, you just called me a gay kettle." Collins said breathlessly. "Just read it. And if you ever cleaned up cat shit you might get your hands dirty too."

"Allen Ginsberg dies aged 70." Roger read out loud.

"I'm going to Newark. Are you coming?"

"Why?"

"Pilgrimage!"

"To New Jersey?" Roger said sceptically.

"Are you coming or not?"

"Not."

"What are you doing that's better?"

"Work. Mimi." Roger said. "Yes, before you say anything, I'm an old man, I'm no fun anymore. Blah blah."

"Fine." Collins said. "Is Mark home?"

"You'll be lucky to get him to leave his room, never mind the city."

"Forget it." Collins sighed. "Just don't forget who was there for you when Cobain died."

Roger grinned, turning back to the page he had been reading. With Collins gone at least there would be fewer distractions. Maybe he could get something written.

* * *

Collins was having a farewell drink to himself while Roger was at work and Mark was spending time not alone in his room, as usual.

"Hello everyone!" Maureen said, bursting in. "Oh it's just you."

"Thanks a lot." Collins grinned. "Drink?"

"Is Mark here?" Maureen asked.

"What are you wearing?" Collins asked, noticing the huge hat on her head and the giant sunglasses that adorned her face. "Hate to break it to you but wearing sunglasses at night is not okay."

She grinned. "Where is everyone?" Collins shrugged lazily. "Oh forget it. I can't wait." She took the hat off and shook out her hair which had been dyed from her usual brown to bleached blonde.

"What do you think? Dramatic isn't it?"

"That's an understatement." Collins said trying to hide his amusement. "Why the change?"

"Blondes have more fun, haven't you heard!?"

"What does Joanne think?"

Maureen looked shifty. "She kinda reacted a little like you. But more…um…extreme." She sighed. "She'll get over it."

"Did you dye the carpet to match the curtains?"

"Collins!" Maureen squealed. "You can't ask me that!" She hesitated. "Should I have?"

Collins grinned. "I may look like one, but I am not a style guru."

"Shh. Listen! Noise!" Maureen said. "Mark may be emerging from his love nest!" She arranged her hair carefully and grinned at the door, expecting it to open.

"What are you doing, Maureen?"

"Shh!" She hissed.

The door opened, but Maureen's face fell as Sarah came out. The expression on Sarah's face was one of definite shock.

"Um… hi, Maureen."

"Hi." Maureen said, faking a smile. "HI, MARK." She said as he came out of his room behind Sarah.

Mark looked at her open mouthed. "What have you done?"

"What do you think? Do you like it?"

Mark started to laugh uncontrollably. "Yeah, it's great Maureen."

"I know you're wondering, no I did not dye the carpet to match the curtains." Maureen grinned. Collins buried his face in his hands.

"That's good to know." Mark said, trying to suppress his laughter.

"Who did your hair for you, Maureen?" Sarah asked.

"I did it myself. I used one of those home dye kits."

"Oh."

"You're not telling me yours is real?" Maureen said defensively.

"Me? I'm a natural blonde." Sarah said. "You can always tell when a person is natural from their skintone. Some people just look washed out when they dye their hair blond."

There was an awkward silence. "Tell that to Roger." Collins said trying to break the tension.

"Oh, Maureen, I didn't mean you. You look lovely." Sarah added. "Blonde suits you."

"Thanks." Maureen muttered dimly. "Anyway. I came over to say goodbye and happy travels." Maureen said, flashing her teeth at Collins. "Joanne is waiting for me back home. I'd better go."

The second the door closed behind her Mark collapsed into giggles again. "Oh. My. God." He said breathlessly. "That was _too_ funny."

"Oh God, I just wasn't thinking!" Sarah said! "I would never trust a home dye kit, I just wouldn't…"

"You might end up looking like that!" Mark laughed.

"I'm gonna make a move." Collins said shortly.

"But we came out to have a goodbye drink with you!" Sarah protested.

"No, that's okay. You get back to whatever you were doing. I'm gonna wave at Roger through the crowd. See if he notices."

"Well, okay." Sarah said. "Have fun on your trip."

"Yeah, funereal pilgrimages are always a blast." Collins said insincerely. "Don't get up to too much mischief while I'm gone."

* * *

Roger was showering after his run. He could hear the phone ringing in the living room, but no one was answering. Roger hammered on the wall of the bathroom. "Mark, answer the phone!" He yelled, knowing that the walls were thin enough for Mark to hear from his room. When the phone continued to ring he angrily turned the water off, wrapped himself in a towel and made a dash for the phone.

"Hello, this is Benjamin Coffin III and I am going to evict youuuuu."  
"Mimi!" He grinned.  
"How did you see through my impression?"  
"Psychic."  
"How come you weren't staring at the phone waiting for me to call?" She teased.  
"I took a break so I could shower."  
"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"  
"Why what is it?"  
"The bad news is, I've been sat on my ass for months and I'm not flexible anymore so I can't get my legs behind my head. The good news is I'm getting out sometime next week."  
"Next week?!"  
"But the real question is will you still love me if I can't get my legs behind my head?"  
"You have a week to work on it." Roger grinned. "Next week?!"  
"It looks that way. I only have a couple more pounds to gain. I can do that by next week. Then I'm free."  
"And you're ready?"  
"Hmm. Maybe I'll stick around for a little while longer. I've learned a lot, you know. Like did you know about how Kate Moss…"  
"Make sure you gain that weight."  
"I will."  
"And you feel okay?"  
"I feel great."  
"That's so good to know."  
"How is everyone?"  
"No word from Collins. Maureen has officially lost her mind. Mark is…Mark. Annoyingly happy."  
"And work?"  
"Sucks."  
"Try to have fun."  
Roger made a disgruntled noise.  
"I have to go, okay. But I'll be here next week."  
"Love you."  
"Love you."

Next week next week next week.

He took a second to compose himself.

"Oooh, lurrrve you Mimi." Mark said behind him, making a kissy face.

Roger looked at him in amazement. "You're one to talk."

"Next week." Mark grinned. "That's great news."

"Next week." Roger repeated happily.


	26. Control

Mimi had a system. She didn't like to think of herself as judgmental but it was a pattern she had noticed forming. The men in the Cat Scratch Club every night were a fundamental part of her system, easy to categorise, easy to read, easy to manipulate accordingly. Benny was the first one she couldn't place. He was dressed well enough to be one of the businessmen but he didn't look old enough to have realised yet what money could get him. He was alone but not like the shady guys who normally came on their own. He had the same air of confidence as someone with money but didn't have the same look of entitlement.

The thing about the Cat Scratch was that it was a place of fantasy. Nobody cared about the bruises or trackmarks on the skin of the girls who worked there. Nobody noticed if their bodies had the disproportionate look of malnutrition, swollen stomachs and skinny limbs. Sometimes they wanted to touch but it was all part of the fantasy. In a different bar any one of the guys might- and some had- made the effort to speak to her hoping for something more. The Cat Scratch was different. If a girl wasn't on the stage, if she wasn't a part of the performance she didn't matter. They would go somewhere else if they wanted their fantasies to become reality.

After her shift one night Mimi had come to the bar for a drink before heading home. It had been a slow night at work and she couldn't afford the chemical high she really wanted. They looked but they didn't make the connection between the girl they had seen dance and the tangible reality of her walking amongst them.

This night was different. When she came to the bar he moved to a seat closer to her and ordered champagne.

"You work here don't you?"

"And you watch. Alone." Mimi said casually.

He was good looking. Really good looking. Mimi tried to figure out which group he fit into so she could know how to proceed. Businessman? Graduate? Banker? Pervert? He didn't have a ring on his finger at least.

"What do you work here for?"

"I like to dance."

"And you like the guys here too?"

Mimi shrugged. "They like me."

She hoped he hadn't been paying enough attention to realise how little money she had earned that night, how she may as well have been at any other job earning money without him talking down to her this way.

"Champagne?"

"If you're buying."

He poured her a glass. She had never tasted it before. It was overrated as far as she could tell but it made her feel good.

"So what are _you_ doing here?" Mimi asked. "I bet you have no trouble picking up girls."

"I had to get out of the house. My roommates are pissed off."

"What did you do?" Mimi grinned.

"They don't understand ambition, not one of them."

Mimi drank a lot more than she had planned to that night and stayed a lot longer. She had to be careful not to break the rules of the club, at least not while they could see her. As they drunkenly stumbled out into the cool night air, his number written on her hand, he pressed her against a doorway. He didn't kiss greedily like other guys. Maybe it was the drink talking, but he was a good kisser. He kissed like he would kiss her again one day.

"You could walk me home." She offered. That wasn't _too _against the rules.

She felt almost ashamed to be taking him to her tiny, run down apartment. As he took off his nice clothes she wanted to protect them from the old floorboards where he tossed them down. He didn't seem to care. He didn't even seem to notice. He held her tiny body in his strong arms, pressing her against him. His skin was soft and smooth, his body was tight and she let him take over her, overpower her.

His eyes looked straight into hers, and it scared her almost. She was used to men looking at her, and she knew what to do about it. But they never looked into her eyes. She was tempted to tell him that she loved him, but she knew that was stupid. She didn't even know him. It was the drink, it was the difference, it couldn't be love…yet.

The morning after was like too many mornings after. She woke up to an empty bed, his number rubbed off her hand. At least he hadn't left money on her dresser. She hadn't made that much of a wrong impression. To her amazement and delight she heard him in the kitchen a few seconds later.

"Morning." He said, and she broke into a huge smile.

"Morning."

"Your water's out."

"Oh…you just have to hit the sink really hard. That usually does it."

It wasn't until then that he told her who he was. Of all the different kinds of guy he could have been at the club she never expected this. Not a business man. Not a banker. Not a graduate. Just a guy who had been forced to go on his stag night alone.

Mimi was undeniably disappointed but she got over it pretty quickly. She had a romantic idea that he would call off his wedding out of loyalty to one of them, but he didn't. He loved his fiancée. Mimi had danced for enough married men to know that he could easily have been telling the truth. Sex and love are not the same thing. From what Mimi knew about Alison Grey she liked to party, spend her daddy's money and get engaged. A lot. Benny was her fourth fiancé in her 23 years of life, but as the date of their wedding got closer and closer Mimi could see she was serious this time. Their wedding went ahead as planned. She was glad that Benny didn't stop seeing her. If he had broken things off with her it might she might have been forced to like him and respect him too much. Mimi felt a little dirty when Benny helped her move into one of the buildings he owned, promising she could live there rent free. He made it seem like it was out of the goodness of his heart. Mimi considered that maybe it was just more convenient for him having here there. If Alison ever suspected him or followed him she would assume he was going to his old apartment and would never find out about Mimi's existence.

Mimi broke it off in the end. She got tired of hearing Benny make excuses to his wife. Excuses made on his cell, in her bed, so close that she could hear Alison's voice. She didn't end it because she felt guilty – she didn't. She ended it because if Benny could lie so easily to Alison he could lie to her too. If he could lie to her she could never understand him. If she couldn't understand him she couldn't manipulate him. That was what Mimi did. Manipulated. It made her feel in control. Strong.

Having a daily appointment with a psychiatrist was not was Mimi expected. She had thought they would always want to talk about eating or not eating. Instead they talked about almost everything else. Angel was easy to talk about when it was dredging up memories because there were no bad memories. It was harder when that vague concept of death came up. Mimi still hadn't found a way to make that sink in yet. She was learning to analyse her own thoughts without anyone else, but the realisations she came to about herself were making her miserable. Why had she liked Roger? Because he had been the nervous opposite of Benny the first time they met? Because he had pushed her away and she liked the thrill of the chase? No matter how much she had tried to convince herself of that in the past she couldn't see any truth in it now.

The truth was Roger had been just as afraid as she was and she had needed to prove that he could be happy to prove that SHE could be happy. All of his fears were the fears she didn't allow herself to even consider. She could manipulate Roger pretty easily at first, the same rules applied to him as to all the other guys: she dressed a certain way, spoke in that voice and got what she wanted. The difference with Roger was that it didn't take long for what she wanted to get complicated. She wanted more than she ever had before but hadn't deserved it. She had lied to him. She had let him believe she was sleeping with Benny just so he didn't believe she was still on smack. With other guys she had gotten what she wanted because what she wanted was simple. She couldn't switch Roger on and off like everyone else. She couldn't make Roger forget that he loved her by hurting him, or by turning sex into some handcuffing S&M pain for pleasure, controlling the good by making hurt. He loved her whether she liked it or not, even when it was inconvenient for her. That was something she could understand but could never control.

* * *

"I'm gonna get some air, okay?" Sarah whispered to Mark.

"I'll join you."

"No you don't, Cohen." Maureen protested. "I haven't finished telling my story. You can't leave in the middle of my story."

Mark sighed, sitting back on the sofa while Maureen ranted about the homophobic woman who had yelled at her on the subway when she had _accidentally_ brushed against her. He watched Sarah longingly as she stepped out into the peace and quiet on the fire escape. He could easily understand why she needed fresh air. Since Mimi had said she was coming home Roger had been a fit of nervous energy, smoking constantly. Even Maureen had given up on her quest to save his voice.

"Mark! Marky!" Sarah screamed from outside.

Without hesitation Mark ran out onto the fire escape.

"The cat…he was walking along the bars and he fell!"

"He just fell?"

"Yes!"

"Oh shit."

"He might be okay."

"Are you kidding? He couldn't survive a fall like that." Mark sighed. "Oh shit. And Mimi's coming home…" The thought of Mimi coming home to bad news was terrifying. It could set her back. If one death had put her in that place another one would be too much to handle.

"Well don't just stand there, Mark, do something. He might be alive."

Mark sighed and made his way down the fire escape. Sarah gingerly followed.

"Where did he fall?" Mark asked when they got to the bottom.

Sarah pointed to where the dumpsters were. "Meowface?" She whispered as they approached them.

"He's here." Mark said, noticing a crumpled body.

"Is he alive?"

Mark was reluctant to touch him, but he poked him lightly with a finger anyway. The cat didn't move. "I think he's dead." He whispered.

"You can't leave him there." Sarah hissed.

"We can't tell her, she'll break down again."

Mark went to the cat and picked him up. He was definitely dead. He felt like puking. He put the cat in the dumpster.

"What kind of stupid cat…." He groaned. "Cats are supposed to land on their feet. What are we going to do?"

"I don't know." She looked so worried and cold, huddled up in her coat.

"Lets go back inside. We can figure it out later."

"Are you gonna tell Roger? I don't think you should. He has enough on his plate worrying about Mimi."

She had a point. He had thoughts of scouring the streets for a similar random unwanted cat, hoping that Mimi and Roger wouldn't know the difference. He hated that cat and now it was gone it would cause even more trouble than when it was alive.

"So we don't tell them." He said.

"We'll figure it out." She said squeezing his hand.

"What was that about?" Roger asked when they came back into the loft.

"Pigeon attack." Mark grunted.

"I have never seen you move so fast, Mark." Maureen laughed.

He washed his hands vigorously in the sink still feeling sick. He hoped Collins would get back before Mimi did. Collins would know what to do.

"Lets go to bed." He said quietly to Sarah.

"Okay." She took his hand and pulled him into the bedroom.

"Uh…goodnight guys!" Maureen said loudly.

"Goodnight." Mark said distractedly.

"Did you _see_ that?" Maureen demanded when the door closed. "They totally wouldn't have said goodnight if I hadn't. They totally snubbed us!"

Roger shrugged. He was used to this kind of behaviour from Mark by now. He was still finding it hard to be happy for him; he hoped it was because Mark was acting like an annoying love-struck teenager and not because he had a problem with their relationship in itself. He didn't know. It would be a lot easier with Mimi here, or even Collins. Roger hated this life, the way the highlight of his day was Mimi's phone call even though most of the time he couldn't think of anything interesting to say to her. He thought he was learning to live again when Mimi came into his life, but maybe it wasn't his life after all; his life was still on the back-burner, all he had was a meaningless existence. While Mimi was forcing herself out of existence- not eating, not sleeping- those things seemed like all he ever did now. It was easy for him to pretend that she had reawakened him somehow, but it was all about her, his renewed life was all centred around being with her and saving her. Now it was all out of his hands his failings seemed more obvious. Without her to take over his life he was back to being a failed rockstar with the inability to write a song… and little else. As much as he looked forward to her coming back he knew that it wouldn't change his failings, he would only be displacing them with her again. One half of a couple and a whole of nothing but failures.


End file.
